Page 4 of When We Collide

My fingers tremble as I pry the cover open and carefully pull the first disc out and clamber off the bed. Lex sits up and watches me with interest as I walk over to the DVD player and push the power button on before sliding the disc in with a quivering breath.

Picking up the remote sitting on top of the television I walk over to the bed again. Wincing when an ache travels across my stomach as I crawl up, sitting cross-legged as I push the button to turn the TV on.

I exhale slowly, my heart racing while I wait for the picture to load. The screen gradually fades from black as the familiar tune of 'Marry Me' by Train begins to play. The video opens with a stunning aerial view of the picturesque venue, capturing every detail from the gorgeous greenery to the rustic architecture of the barn. The words, ‘The Wedding of Jeyla & Dean’ appears on the screen and it blurs again to a video of Dean and me walkinghand in hand toward the wishing tree. The back of my eyelids sting as tears fill my eyes when the video takes me back to the happiest day of our lives. I still remember every shot of these videos. The memory still so fresh in my mind. The lump forming in my throat thickens as I hear Dean's voice emanating from the screen. It is deep and velvety. A smile spreads across his face, causing his dimples to deepen and his eyes to crinkle at the corners. He turns to the camera, his fingers deftly fastening his cufflinks.

“When did I realize that I loved her?” he says, his voice full of fondness and affection. Memories dance behind his eyes as he speaks. “When I was just five years old, and I saw her in that bright yellow dress with white flowers on it. She had her hair up in two pigtails looking all kinds of adorable.” He chuckles softly, a hint of nostalgia in his tone. “I knew I was in for it from the very moment she first peeked out from behind her mum and looked right at me. Something happened to my heart right then.” His hand instinctively rests over his chest where his heart lies. “Something I was too young to understand at that moment. Something I later came to know was love.”

I only manage to watch ten minutes of the video before I start sobbing uncontrollably. My bedroom door opens and through my hoarse sobs I vaguely hear footsteps walking toward me before I’m gathered into a strong pair of arms. I bury my face into Oscar’s chest and cry while he holds me. I want to scream until my lungs cave in or explode, but no sound comes out. Only strangled sobs painfully ripping through my body, each one more agonizing than the last.

“Every breath I take feels like it's slowly and painfully killing me,” I manage to choke out between gasps for air. “I can’t live with this unbearable ache inside me anymore, Oz, I can’t do it.I can’t.” I cry, fisting his t-shirt while he tightens his hold on me the harder I weep. “I don’t want to be here. I don’t belong here anymore. I should have died in that accident. Please, just make it stop. Make it stop.” In this moment, all I can do is helplessly cling onto Oscar and beg for some kind of relief from the heaviness weighing on my chest.

“Jeyla, shh, come on babe, please don’t talk like that. I know you’re devastated; we all are. If I could take away your pain I would, but I can’t.” Oscar affirms his tone, pressing his forehead to the top of my head while he consoles me. “I know it hurts like it’s never going to end, but that pain will slowly start to heal, but first you need to let it. None of our lives will ever be the same without him and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss that little dickhead or wish he was still here with us.”

With a sniffle my eyes flutter open and I stare at the television, where our wedding video is still playing. The camera slowly zooms in on Dean and me during our first dance. Dean's face is lit up with a radiant smile as he serenades me with the lyrics to ‘In Case You Didn't Know’. My own smile mirrors his, my eyes welling up while I gaze up at him devotedly. Oz looks over at the TV and I hear him sigh.

“Death cannot kill what never dies Jeyla,” he says solemnly. “And you and Dean shared a bond so unbreakable and special that it transcends beyond mere mortal love. You had a connection that most can only dream of having. Your love was truly one-of-a-kind; the kind that great novels are made of.” Oscar’s words add a bittersweet ache to my heart, as I remember just how deeply and passionately Dean and I loved each other during our short time together. Using the back of my hand I wipe away the tears that just keep falling and sit upright.

“So, now you need to honour that great love and live on so that my brother can live on with you.” Oz states, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair that is stuck to the side of my soaked face and delicately tucks it behind my ear. “You have to start putting yourself back together and be strong, for your own sake and for the sake of your baby."

How?

How do I even begin piecing my life back together again after the devastation I have endured? I am lost in an endless abyss of despair and pain, surrounded by a suffocating darkness with no sight of light. My body and mind sinking deeper into its depths with no sign of escape. It feels as though I’m drowning, my lungs burning for air that never seems to come. And the one person I need to pull me out of this abyss is forever gone, leaving me to suffocate all alone in this bleak void.

“I’m drowning, Oskie.” I admit despondently, my voice barely a whisper.

“I know you are, and I know it may not feel like it, Jey, but you are not alone in this,” Oz says firmly, his hand resting reassuringly on my shoulder. “Your family and friends are all here for you, every step of the way. We need you just as much as you need us right now—especially Ashlyn. She didn’t just lose her sibling; she lost her other half. She needs you more than ever right now.”

God, Ashlyn. The mere mention of Ashlyn's name brings a wave of guilt and sadness crashing over me. I haven’t really spoken to her properly; not since the funeral. I have been avoiding seeing and talking to her. I miss her terribly, but the thought of seeing the pain in her eyes is too much for me to bear. Every time I seeher, I’m reminded of Dean because they share the same eyes and smile and I’m just not strong enough to face her.

And yet, I’m supposed to be her maid of honour, helping her plan the wedding that is meant to take place in just six months. I don’t even know if they’re still going through with it or if it has been postponed after Dean’s death. My own grief has consumed me so completely that I have neglected my best friend's feelings. If I feel this distraught over losing Dean, I don’t want to imagine how she must be feeling after losing her twin. I only wish I could somehow find a way to stop feeling so wretched all the time so I can find the strength to be there for her.

“I’m a horrible friend, aren’t I?” I murmur, lowering my gaze to my fingers fumbling anxiously in my lap. “I miss her, I do, but I don’t think I can face her yet, Oskie. Every time I look at her all I see is Dean looking back at me and it… hurts so much.”

Oz rubs my back and I hear him sighing, “I know, but maybe reach out to her and explain that you just need some time, so she knows she’s not lost you, too.”

“I will,” I answer with a nod while my thumb idly twirls the wedding band on my finger. That dull ache deep in my groin becomes more painful. Usually, a warm bath takes the pressure off. “Uhm, I think I’m going to take a bath.” I visibly wince as I shift to stand and the pain travels down to my legs and across my back. “Fuck.”

“Jey, are you okay? What is it?” Oz's hand shoots out and firmly grasps my arm, halting me in my tracks. Concern drips from every word as he asks, “What's wrong?” But I brush off his worry and continue on, like always, ignoring the persistent ache in my body.

“It's n-nothing, I'm fine,” I lie through gritted teeth. But deep down, I know something is wrong. The feeling of unease gnaws at me from within. “Can you just help me up, please?” Oz is already on his feet, his hand outstretched for mine. With some effort, I push myself up from the bed and place my shaking hands into his. As he slowly lifts me up, my head goes faint, and I feel a warm sensation trickling down my legs.

My entire body trembles uncontrollably, and my heart pounds fiercely in my chest as I lower my gaze. The sight that meets me is enough to make me want to scream. A deep red stain mars the light blue fabric of my shorts, and streaks of blood trickle slowly down my trembling thighs.

No.

Oz's eyes follow mine, and as I lift my tear-filled gaze to meet his, I see a wave of paleness wash over him as he takes in the crimson stains. This is the moment I have been dreading, the moment I hoped would never come throughout this entire pregnancy.

“Oskie,” I manage to rasp out, my voice sounding foreign and broken, unrecognizable even to myself. The last thing I remember before darkness consumes me is an excruciating pain tearing through my insides. It feels like someone has set fire to my body and is ripping it apart at the same time. The intensity of the pain robs the air from my lungs, causing me to collapse onto the ground. Just before everything fades to black, I hear Oz’s panicked voice shouting my name.

The overwhelming scentof the ocean invades my senses, filling my nose with a pungent combination of salt and seaweed. I can practically taste the briny tang on my tongue, as if I am one with the endless waves and those gorgeous ancient tides.

But there is more to this aroma than just sea and sand. The faint perfume of sunscreen lingers in the air, intermingling with the natural fragrance of the ocean to create a unique and intoxicating blend. And beneath it all, the subtle sweetness of coconut oil adds a touch of tropical warmth to the mix.

As I breathe in deeply, my entire body feels alive, absorbing the rhythmic whispers of the sea that surround me. The warm breeze that carries off the water is tempered by a coolness thatcaresses my skin, bringing with it refreshing droplets of ocean spray from each crashing wave.

Slowly, I open my eyes and take in the serene view before me. The clear blue expanse of ocean stretches out endlessly, its surface rippling with gentle waves that seem to sing in harmony with the distant calls of birds and crickets. The ceaseless murmur of the sea washes over me like a comforting, familiar blanket, only adding to the tranquil state of my mind.

The weight that once pressed on my chest like a bulldozer, crushing my very ability to breathe, has finally lifted. The salty sea air fills my lungs with each deep breath, replacing the suffocating grip of anxiety.

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