Page 58 of When We Collide

I nod along, trying to understand why this is such a big deal for him.

“Yes, it is in Florida,” he continues, “and usually, they don’t allow for families to come along, but for us they have made an exception. The academy will arrange housing for us that is close by to the training ground, so I’ll be able to come home and not spend too much time away from you and DJ.”

My heart sinks at the thought of being separated from him again. We've already been through so much, and the idea of another long-distance stint makes my stomach churn.

“So, you’ll be training and that’s it?” I ask wearily, dreading the answer.

But Dean shakes his head. “No, I will also be required to go on high-stakes missions.”

I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. High-stakes means dangerous. And with Dean being selected for this elite program, it's likely that those missions will be even riskier than before.

I rip my hand out of his and scowl at him. “High-stakes means dangerous, right?”

Dean nods meekly, his gaze boring into mine apologetically. My heart aches as I realize that he's not just asking me to support his dreams, but also put my own fears and concerns aside.

“Jesus Christ, we can’t catch a damn break,” I mutter, burying my head in my hands. “Aren’t you tired Dean? Because I fucking am. When is it going to end? It’s just one damn thing after another.”

Dean reaches for my hand again, squeezing it gently, forcing me to look at him again. “JJ, hey, you and DJ are my priority first and foremost. If you don’t want to come to Florida with me, I’ll decline the offer and they’ll send someone else and that will be the end of it.”

My voice trembles with agitation and hurt as I snap back at Dean. He sits across from me, his expression stoic.

“No, it won't be the end of it, Dean!” I meet his unwavering gaze once again, my tone loaded with frustration. “You can't put this decision on me. It's not fair. You and I both know that deep down, if I ask you to decline the offer, you'll always resent mefor it. You've said it yourself, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I can't be the one to take your dream away from you. Not after you’ve worked so hard to get to where you are.”

Dean's silence speaks volumes as he stares at me, his eyes searching for an answer.

“Do you really believe I could ever resent you, JJ?” His voice is soft, but full of emotion.

I shrug and push myself up from the bed, needing to move and release some of the pent-up tension in my body.

“Maybe not right now,” I begin pacing the length of the room, “but years from now when your career isn't where you expected it to be, you'll look back on this moment and blame me for holding you back. And I refuse to live with that guilt.”

I'm aware that I'm ranting, but I can't help it. The frustration and anger are bubbling up inside of me, threatening to spill over. How dare he put this kind of responsibility on me? It's unfair and manipulative.

“Okay fine,” Dean's voice cuts through my thoughts, instantly silencing me. “I will take the burden off of you and decline it myself then.” He stands up and takes a few steps towards me. “I told you I’m not going without you.”

I stare up at him, trying to decipher his intentions as he inches closer. “Okay, fine!”

“Great!”

“Good!” I respond, waiting for relief to flood me, but it doesn’t. We stand there in the middle of his old bedroom where we’ve shared many fights and many passionate moments for a moment just looking at each other, the air around us crackling.

Christ, what am I supposed to do here? Knowing how much Dean loves his job, it would be unfair of me to ask him to give it up for me when I knew what I was getting into when I chose to be with him.

“I will be that girl who waits months for a single kiss from your lips that makes those months apart worth every second. I will never take you for granted. I promise to be patient and understanding, to love and cherish you. And no matter the distance between us I promise to always wait for you.”

On the day we stood before our friends and family I vowed to always love him unconditionally, and be patient, and wait for him always. Right now, it feels like I’m betraying those vows. Even if we’re no longer legally married, and those vows no longer hold any significance they still mean everything to me, and I know they do to him as well.

As hard as it all is, the truth is I will readily go anywhere with him. Because I’ve had a taste of what life is like without Dean and I have no interest in it. Perhaps us moving away for a year to a new place will do us good.

Dean shuffles toward me, the floorboard creaking under his boot as he reaches to cup my face in his large hands. “JJ, please don’t look at me with those eyes, baby girl. I promise you, my life with you and DJ is far more important to me than any job. All I want is for you to be happy, forusto be happy. I think we fucking deserve that after everything.”

A pout forms on my lips as I gaze up at him through my lashes. “So do I, Dean,” I say in a soft, pleading voice. “I can’t bear the thought of being away from you for an entire year, but I can’t just up and leave everything we have here behind. This is our home.If I do come with you, while you’re gone DJ and I will be all alone out there. At least here we have our family.”

Dean nods, his thumb tracing the outline of my jaw while his eyes search mine. “I know, baby girl. I know it would be unfair of me to ask you to leave everything behind and come with me, especially after everything you’ve already sacrificed.”

“I can’t ask you to stay, Dean. Not when I can see how much this really means to you. You’ve worked so hard; you’ve earned this opportunity.”

“JJ, there will be other opportunities,” Dean states, trying his best to reassure me. “Yes, it’s exciting and a privilege to be considered, but it’s nothing compared to a life with you and DJ. That year I had to spend apart from you, all I prayed for was the chance to come home and be with you. I can always get another job, but there is only oneyou.”

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