Page 6 of When We Collide

My bottom lip quivers as I struggle to contain my overwhelming emotions. “No, I can't, Dean!” I whimper brokenly. “You don't understand the pain I've been enduring. I know what's waiting for me if I go back. I'm only going to lose the baby too... and I can't bear to watch one more thing slip away from me. I just can't do it.”

Tears stream down my cheeks as I continue to plead my case to him. “I have no peace in that world. I see you everywhere, even when I'm sleeping you invade my dreams and then I wake up... and relive the devastation all over again. I need it to end, okay? I need it to stop.” Dean wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close, offering comfort and support. The weight of everything crashes down on me and tears stream down my face as I bury my head in Dean's chest. “This is where I belong. Don’t let me go, Lieutenant.” I cry, my voice muffled against him.

Dean’s embrace is warm and comforting, providing a shelter from the storm of emotions raging inside me. For a moment, we simply stand there entwined in each other's arms while I seek solace in his presence.

My eyes flutter open when the distant sound of a baby's cry breaks through the moment. Dean lets out a heavy sigh, his voice thick with emotion as he speaks into my ear. “You have no idea how much I wish this was real and I could keep you here in my arms, JJ. But it’s time for you to go, baby girl. There is a little someone who needs you more than I do.”

My heart sinks when I raise my gaze to look at him. Dean smiles while he stares into my eyes and brushes the tears that roll down my cheeks with the back of his fingers. “I promise you, JJ, thisisn’t the end for us.” Dean affirms, leaning forward to press his nose to mine. “Your love has and will always be the beacon that guides me home, baby.” I sigh when he tips my head back and presses a lingering kiss to my lips. “Now tell me you love me one last time.”

“I’m crazy about you, baby.” I whisper.

“I’m crazy aboutyou,” Dean murmurs as he closes the already miniscule space between our lips and kisses me until everything slowly blurs away, and I’m pulled back to reality.

The first thing I hear when I start to come around is the incessant beeping of machines and the distinctive sound of chatter around me.

“Oh, thank God, she’s coming around. Someone get the doctor.” The voice is distant and muffled, but I hear someone speak. Is that my Mum? “Jeyla? Honey, can you hear me?” My eyelids feel so unbelievably heavy, despite my grandest effort to open them they barely flicker enough to let in a speck of light before closing again. My limbs refuse to move, and I can’t feel anything below my waist; my legs feel like deadweight. What the hell is happening? Oh God, am I paralyzed? Why can’t I feel or move my legs!

The sheer panic that consumes me is enough to compel my eyes to open. The machine starts to beat faster the harder my heart beats. For the first couple of minutes everything is a blur; the lights, the figures in the room, until eventually my eyes start to focus, and I see my parents’ faces hovering over me. “Mum.” I try to speak but the word comes out as I croaky grunt instead.

“Honey, honey, you’re okay, you’re all right.” My mother states, stroking my head tenderly to soothe me in a way only a mother’stouch can. “You’re in hospital, sweetheart but everything is okay, just try and calm down.”

“What… happened?” I stammer as she takes hold of my hand and looks over at my father who is standing at the opposite side of the bed.

“You were rushed to hospital after you started bleeding and collapsed at home.” My mother explains, placing her hand on my arm. “They had to rush you to surgery because you started haemorrhaging internally when your uterus tore.” I stare up at them, a deep feeling of dread leaves a bitter taste in my mouth as I prepare myself for the inevitable bad news that will follow. When I glance down at my stomach and see the bump is no longer there that feeling of dread amplifies. “They had no choice but to prematurely deliver the baby so that they could operate to stop the bleeding.”

“The baby?” I rasp while trying to sit up, but my damn body refuses to move and my parents both stop me. “Where’s my baby?”

“Jeyla, sweetheart, don’t try and sit up, you’ve just undergone major surgery, you’ll tear your stiches.”

“Where’s my baby, mum?”

“The baby is okay, honey. He’s been taken to the neonatal intensive care unit. Because he was born prematurely, he will need to be incubated and closely monitored for a little while so that he can grow and hopefully breathe on his own.”

“What? Will he be okay?”

“The doctor said he is a healthy little boy, but he has a tough number of weeks ahead of him. There’s some concern thatthe baby may have suffered perinatal asphyxia which is what happens when there is a lack of blood flow and oxygen delivered to the baby before they could deliver him, but the doctor is confident that he got to the baby in time before any permanent damage was done.” My eyes well up, my vision blurring as I picture my baby suffocating inside of me.

“I want to see him.” I go to push the covers off myself, but my father stops me.

“Jeyla, not just yet sweet pea. Like your mother said, you just underwent major surgery, and you need to rest and heal so that you’re strong enough to hold him when he’s ready.”

“Please, mum, I have to see my baby?—”

“Jeyla,” I look over at Dr Kent who walks in followed by a nurse in cream-coloured scrubs. Dr Kent picks up the chart from a metal holder at the foot of the bed and examines it as he slowly walks over to me. “How are you feeling?”

“I want to see my baby.”

Dr Kent gives me a sympathetic smile as he hands the chart to the nurse and takes another step closer. “I know you do, and you will be able to hold your baby soon, I promise. But first, you need to heal from your surgery and avoid straining your stitches by trying to walk too soon. You may not be able to feel the pain right now due to the effects of the epidural—which is numbing you from the waist down. Your body has gone through a lot throughout your pregnancy and then the surgery. You’re lucky to be alive, Jeyla. Which is why it's crucial—not only for you, but your baby—that you rest and give your body time to recover.”

Okay, well that’s a relief, at least that explains why I can’t feel my legs, but what about my son? Why are they refusing to let me seehim? “Please, Dr Kent, just let me see him. Even if it’s through a window. I can’t just sit here when my baby is somewhere in this hospital fighting for his life. I should be with him. I need to know that he’s okay.”

“Jeyla, I understand that you’re feeling anxious, and you want to see your baby, but I promise you, he is in the very best hands and is being closely monitored around the clock. While we cannot allow anyone in the NICU, a couple of your family members are there keeping a close eye on your baby through the window.”

Family members? I look over at my parents for clarification. “Oscar and Ashlyn have been at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit since he was born. They've been keeping a close eye on him,” my mother offers an explanation. Though I’m still feeling highly anxious, knowing that they are with him gives me some comfort.

Slowly I sink back against the pillows and sigh as the doctor talks me through what happened. “You must have been suffering with some pain for some time. The fact you carried the baby through to your third trimester when we didn’t see it making it past the first is a miracle. However, just as we anticipated, you experienced a uterine rupture, it is a serious condition where the wall of your uterus tore open, which caused severe bleeding and put both you and the baby at risk.”

I remain silent, staring down at the cannula on my hand transfusing some kind of fluid into my body while I listen to him go on and on.

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