Page 14 of Dash

Saying those words leaves behind is sticky ugliness that I don’t expect and I’m not sure how to deal with.Why do I want him to remember my name and my face?

It was just sex. Get a grip.

“I don’t think he’s like that,” she says slowly. “Nate said that?—”

I cut myself off before she can get on whatever matchmaking crusade she’s on. “Please. He fucked me against a wall in a place called Temptation. I don’t think your boy is about hearts and flowers.”

Again, my voice is light. Too light. I’m not sure I even believe the words coming out of my mouth anymore, but I can’t admit that these one-night stands chip away at pieces of me that I no longer have left to give up. I can’t tell my best friend that I sleep with random men just so I can feel something for a time. I can’t admit to her just how fucked-up I am. I can’t let anyone see that.

“So, you wouldn’t want things to go further with him?”

Yes. Maybe.

“No. It’s bad enough I let it go that far. I don’t want to cause problems for you or Riot.”

Thankfully, Seren fusses in her bassinet, and Ivy lets me off the hook, just for a moment, just enough that I’m able to breathe for a second without being scrutinised.

It doesn’t feel right to sit here, pretending to be someone I’m not, but I’ve been doing it for so long I don’t know how to be any different.

“I can get Dash’s number for you if you want it.”

I blow out a breath. She’s trying to help, trying to be a good friend, but she doesn’t see how she is stripping me bare. She doesn’t see that her words are cutting every part of me to shreds. “Pass. I don’t think he and I would work as more than what we were.”

“Dayna… I don’t know why you want to punish yourself like this. You deserve to be happy.” My throat clogs, and I swallow back that painful lump. I don’t think happiness happens for people like me. “I wish you would see yourself the way we see you.”

If she doesn’t stop, I’m going to lose my composure. “I am happy. And I see myself perfectly fine. Stop trying to fix something that’s not broken.”

I stand. The air is suddenly so thick I can hardly drag in a breath. I can’t do this. I can’t let her see me.

“As fun as this is I have things to do. I don’t have a hunky biker to take care of me.”

I say it with a smile through gritted teeth. I am so tired of trying to shoulder everything, of being the one carrying the mental load of a life that was never meant to be alone. I’m just…tired.

But I don’t let her see that. I can’t. Vulnerability is a poisoned chalice that I refuse to drink from.

She comes to her feet with me, and I hate the concern I can see written on every line of her face. I don’t want her to worry about me.

I give her a quick hug, just enough to let her know I’m okay, but not long enough for me to feel anything.

“Let’s do a liquid brunch on the weekend. Really celebrate your engagement. You, me, Katie.”

I hold my breath, scared she might pull me up on it, might force the conversation somewhere I don’t want to go, but she doesn’t. All she says is, “Okay. But if you change your mind…”

“I am not a one-dick woman, Ivy. Variety is the spice of life and commitment is a chain. No offence.”

“None taken,” she murmurs, a crack of a smile dancing along her lips.

She is worried, but not enough to stage an intervention, not yet.

I kiss her cheek with a dramatic flair. “See you soon, bitch. Make sure that hunk of man is ruining your vagina too.”

I keep my smile in place until I’m in the lift, heading down to the foyer. Only once I’m alone do I allow it to fall.

The worst part of all of that isn’t that Ivy sees me, really sees me, it’s that I had a hint of hope when she offered me his number, and that… that’s dangerous.

Because I can never settle down and find happiness. Not without destroying it and myself in the process.

FIVE

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