Page 16 of Xavier

“What about a small island where I can rule my subjects with an iron fist?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You want it in the South Pacific or Mediterranean? I can probably swing the Caribbean as long as we don’t go near the Bermuda Triangle. I’m superstitious.” I was only half joking. And only about the superstitious part. I happened to know a couple guys with the means who owed me more than one favor. Might be a stretch, but I could make it work.

She didn’t change expression but seemed to be searching my face for something. Maybe to see if I was lying?

After a while she opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Another tear slid from the corner of her eye. Tillie cleared her throat, but instead of trying to voice her request again, she simply scooted over slowly. So there was room for me to lie on the bed beside her?

“Baby, you’re gonna have to say what you want. I can’t read minds and if you’re wanting me to lie down with you, you’re gonna have to say so. That ain’t somethin’ I’m willin’ to assume you mean. I gotta have something concrete.”

She nodded her head, then croaked out. “Will you please hold me like you did in the truck?”

“Baby.” Yep. I was done. This was it. The day I lost my man card. The shit of it was, I wasn’t broken up about it. If it meant I was the one to hold this woman together? Well. I was beginning to believe to the depths of my soul, holding this brave, sweet woman together might have been the fucking reason God put me on this earth.

Slowly, letting her have as much time as she needed to change her mind, I lay down next to her. It wasn’t necessary, though. The second I lay back, Tillie moved close to me, clinging to my shirt like it was her fucking lifeline.

I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close. I felt her trembling against me, small tremors that rippled through her body. This woman had been through hell more than once and still found the strength to keep going. I admired her resilience more than she could ever know.

“I’m so tired,” she whispered against my chest. “Not just physically. I’m tired of being afraid, of running, of never feeling safe.”

That gave me pause. “Tillie, were you hurt while I was in prison? Is there something you’ve not told me?” If someone else had hurt this woman, I’d be killing again. Only this time, I wouldn’t be making any noble fucking sacrifices.

“No. I never expected everything in my life would be all peaches and cream, but I really didn’t expect my mom and dad to…” She stopped speaking, her fingers now against her trembling lips. I wanted to press her but wasn’t sure what the right move was.

“Did they hurt you?”

“No. Not physically. They just… took everything. They sold everything I got from Paul’s estate, even the house, because they said I could just live with them. You know. Until they found another man with money who wanted me.” She trembled in my arms, clinging harder, which I hadn’t thought possible. Her knuckles were white where her fist still bunched in my shirt. She sucked in a ragged breath and held it several seconds before letting the breath out in a slow, deliberate release. “It was never the money, you understand. Not for me. Mom and Dad, though. I think money motivated them to do everything they did with me. They were older when they had me because they were never supposed to need another child.”

Something about the way she phrased her statement had my hackles rising. “I don’t understand. What do you mean ‘need another child’?”

“My brother was supposed to be their ticket to the good life. He was the smart one. The one who touched something, and it turned to gold. Mom was in her late forties when she had me, and only because my brother went to prison for something to do with money laundering and doing something bad with the stock market. They never talked about it, and I only found out about it when they shoved me into Paul’s life.”

“OK.” I took a breath and stroked her arm while I thought over what she’d said. “There’s a lot there, honey. This isn’t something you’ve ever mentioned before.”

“No. My time with you on Saturdays was my escape. I took as much time as I could to forget everything when I was with you. You gave me so much and the last thing I wanted to do then -- or now -- is for you to think I’m looking for more. The reason I only now bought a place and moved away from my parents was they kept putting me off with the estate sale and settlement. I found out later it was because they’d taken it all. I managed to keep my car and enough to buy” -- she shuddered -- “that little farm, and put back enough to keep me going for a few months if I couldn’t write or things got slow for the holidays or something.”

I had to concentrate on keeping my breathing slow and even. The last thing she needed was my anger on her behalf spilling over to her right now. “We’ll worry about all that later, OK? You’re safe now,” I promised, stroking her hair. “No one’s getting to you here.”

She nodded slightly, her breath warm against my neck. “I know. That’s what scares me.”

I frowned. “What do you mean, baby?”

“What if I get used to feeling safe with you, and then…” She trailed off, but I understood what she couldn’t say.

“And then I leave?” I finished for her. “Not happening, Tillie. Not by choice.”

She pulled back just enough to look up at me, her silvery-green eyes swimming with emotions I couldn’t fully decipher. “But that’s just it. Sometimes we don’t get a choice. Like with Paul. I didn’t choose for him to become a monster. I didn’t choose for you to kill him and throw your life into chaos when you could have been happily on your way.” The tears really started falling now. She wiped her nose with the back of her wrist, then swiped at her eyes with her fingers.

“My whole life has been one clusterfuck after another, Xave. Since I met you, you’ve been the only bright spot in my life. I knew things wouldn’t be easy just because Paul was gone and I didn’t have to be afraid of him anymore. I was fully prepared to work hard to make my own life. It just seems like one thing after another kept dragging me backward, trying to suck me back down into a deep, dark hole I could never escape from!”

I pulled her closer, tucking her head under my chin. “Listen to me, Tillie. You’re not going back into any fucking hole. Not while I’m breathing. Metaphorically speaking or not.” I stroked her hair, feeling her tears dampening my shirt. “I’ve spent a year and a half thinking about you every Goddamn day. Planning what I’d do when I got out. How I’d find you, make sure you were good.”

“You planned to find me?” Her voice was small against my chest.

“Baby, you only think you know what I’d go through for you.” It was the Goddamned truth. “Yeah. I killed for you. But that was just my excuse to go to prison. True, I hadn’t planned on killin’ anyone, but then you turned up and some people just need killin’.”

When her gaze met mine, her eyes were wide with shock and not a small amount of confusion. “What? What are you saying, Xavier?”

“I needed to be in Terre Haute for about six months. That’s how long I thought it would take me to do my job. Knuckles made all the arrangements and six months was all I needed.”

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