Page 112 of Marriage (Red, White &) Blues

A knock sounded on the door. “Gloria?” Pen asked.

I sniffled. “I’m fine.”

“Open the door, sweetheart,” Sierra said. I nodded, unsure of why because neither woman could see me through the door. But then, I opened it, only to get rushed by my two best friends and my fur babies crowding into the small room.

Pen, Sierra, and I stood in a circle hugging and crying. Georgie sat on one of my feet, while Miranda snuggled against the other.

“Congratulations,” Sierra finally said through her tears because she knew what my tears meant.

“Congratulations,” Pen repeated because she knew too. “I can’t believe our Gloria is going to be a mom.”

“Is there someone I can sue?” I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“I mean, was it consensual?”

“The sex yes. The pregnancy no. I have an IUD. This is ten kinds of wrong.”

Sierra shoved her phone in my face. “It says here they’re 99% effective. You’re a one percenter now.”

“Oh my God, not funny.”

“It’s pretty funny,” Pen said.

My friends led me back out to the living room, where they opened up the foil containers of food, filling plates for each of us while I sort of zoned out. I had a fetus growing inside me. A fetus that would become a baby. A baby that I’d have to push out of my nether regions. A sudden wave of fear washed over me so strong that I thought I might puke again. I ran back to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face.

My friends followed me in. “Honey, what’s wrong?” Pen asked.

“I’m growing a human,” I responded. “It’s in, which means it has to come out.” My breaths started coming fast and furious.Mayday. Mayday. We are going down.

“Gloria, calm sweety,” Sierra ordered.

“My husband lives in another state. How do I do this without him?”

“You won’t have to,” Pen stated confidently. “The moment you tell him, he’ll be on a plane to bring you back home.”

I cried harder. “This isn’t something you drop over the phone. ‘Georgie had to go to the vet, and oh, yeah, I’m pregnant.’”

“Are you registered to vote in Vermont or Michigan?” Pen asked.

Odd change of subject. “Vermont,” I answered with my head pressed to her shoulder.

“Right. Well, you see the OB on Halloween and then hop a flight home to vote. You can tell him then.”

“I can tell him then? But he calls every night.”

“He’s your husband, he’ll be happy whether he finds out on the phone or in person,” Sierra pointed out. “But if you want this to be in person, that’s your window.”

“That’s my window.”

“Good. Now that’s settled, do you feel better?” Pen asked.

“Yes. Thank you both.”

“Then let’s go eat,” she replied. “That alfredo is to die for.”

On Halloween, I showed up to my appointment as a slutty pirate captain and believe it or not, I wasn’t the only one in costume. I was joined by a very pregnant witch, a vampire and a cow.

“Oh, yeah, there’s definitely a nugget in thereandyour IUD. We’ll have to get that out.”

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