Page 122 of New York Love Stories: Vol. 2

He needs to hear the truth,mine, even at the sacrifice of what might have been and now will never be.

This is what I’ll always remember, the moment his lies—his selfishness—caught up with him. While searching for the meaning in relation to himself, recognition of my words finally sets in. “I’ve been honest with you, Tealey.”

“No. All you do is lie like the cheaters you represent. You’re no better than them. You’re just smart enough not to put a ring on it.” Turning to the car when the driver comes for my suitcase, I say, “I’ll be out of the apartment before you return from work on Monday.”

“I don’t want you out of the apartment,” he says in a plea and takes my hand. I let him this time, wanting to feel the burn of his touch once more to remind me never to trust him again. “I don’t want you to leave at all.”

Glancing at our hands, I used to wonder what it would be like to have him want to hold me in such a way that the world would know my heart was his and his was mine.

That’s not what this is.This is the desperation of a man who thought he could deceive and win.

I pull back once more, putting whatever distance I can between us, and then say, “Let me go, Rad.”

His grasp tightens, but I manage to free myself—from him, the entanglements of living together, and our relationship—all at once. “I’m choosing Poughkeepsie.”

38

Rad

My soul drove away in a stranger’s blue sedan.

And I stood there and let it happen.Why’d I let her go?

Why didn’t I fight harder to get her to stay?

The answer is simple: I don’t know what I was fighting against.

My life has been built around having the better argument to sway a judge, and I couldn’t talk my girlfriend into having a five-minute conversation. Five minutes. Would that have been enough time to undo the damage she thinks I’ve done?

My head throbs from the stress and lack of sleep. Not having Tealey here with me is a loss deeper and more painful than I could’ve imagined. It’s worsened by the fact that I don’t know what went wrong.

Does she not understand how I feel about her? How could she not? I did everything to earn her trust by making us the priority. Granted, I fucked up a lot along the way, but I knew she saw me trying.

I was happily changing my life for her.Only her.And now she’s gone anyway.

Why?

The sun is rising like this is any other ordinary day. It’s not. It’s the first day that I’m waking up without Tealey. Nothing about that is right. My day starts and ends because she’s a part of them. The middle is just a blur of hours I spend trying to get back home to her.

I push the glass across the island, letting it crash into the empty bottle.

Fuck feelings.

I can say it like a mantra, but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe it. I stood firmly behind that motto until I met Tealey.Until I fell in love with her.

With her gone, I feel empty, like the bottle of bourbon.

What happened?

Jean-Luc?

Marlow?

The wedding?

Bob and Lorie?

My work?

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