“I want to be your boyfriend,” I tell her, “for now, until we get our feet under us and figure this out. What do you say to that, Tealey Bell? Will you be my girlfriend?”
The morning sun has wrangled free from the clouds, and the rays through the glass halo her soft, blond hair. Although her face is shadowed, I see embarrassment slipping away from her delicate features. “Do you mean that?”
“I mean it. I have no doubts whatsoever. You make me happy, and I want to do the same for you.” I sit up and caress her shoulders before leaning in and kissing her.
She licks her lips when we part, and then says, “I don’t question your intentions.”
“I didn’t mean to imply you didn’t trust me. I know you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.” I can see the questions mounting in her expression, and fuck, if she needs to get things off herchest, I’ll let her. “But you’re wanting to know how I see things in the long term?”
“Not just with me but in life. How do you see your life? Where do I fit in? How do I fit in your life, in your home? And to throw more honesty your way . . . I stopped returning my real estate agent’s calls last week. I’ve felt guilty for that, but I needed a break from the disappointment of not feeling I could afford something that you’d approve of. I haven’t told you because I thought you might get mad.”
“There’s no expiration date on you staying here. And here’s some honesty for you,” I say, tapping her nose. “I like you being here, so don’t settle for a place because you feel there’s an imaginary deadline or you think you’re in the way. You’re not.” The softness of her skin beckons me, and I rub along her leg, resting my hand where it meets her waist. “I want you to find a place that feels like home.”
Like my place.I leave that unspoken between us. It may be how I feel, but I need to hold on to logic, not emotions.
“That means more to me than you know. Thank you.” She buries herself in my arms.
“As for marriage,” I start, but my throat clogs around the last word, and I have to cough to dislodge it. Understanding her need to know what we are and what we’re doing is relatable. It’s something I think about and have fallen back onjust friendsas a means to an end. But it’s not an answer to the question. It’s an opportunity to think beyond today. “We’ve been friends for a long time now, and even though it does seem premature to have this talk in some respects, I understand why we might need to. We’re not new to each other. We’re in the dead center of the marrying age. It’s all around us and even closer because of Cammie and Cade.”
Her eyes are intent on me, not wanting to miss a word. I continue, “My parents’ marriage didn’t work out. I’m facedwith the ugliness of divorce every day.” I glance outside before returning to her, wanting to give her what she needs to hear while being honest about my own feelings. That’s just it. I can be honest with her, and there’s no judgment. “When I think about the future, I’m not spending my life alone. I’m not opposed to marriage. I respect the institution too much to damage it with my baggage, so it’s always seemed unattainable for someone like me.”
When I see her eyes glass over, I lie down and hold my arm open wide. She snuggles against me, and I wrap my arm around her. I say, “You want to get married one day. You’ve always been a romantic while I’m a cynic.”
She shakes her head, angling it my way. “You want it to last forever. We’re alike that way. Deep down, you’re a romantic just like me, Rad.”
“I don’t want to disappoint you.” I lose her blues to the far wall as we explore this new territory of sharing our deepest desires and worries. “All I can do is tell you how I feel right now. I’ve never been happier, and that’s because of you. Despite what you think, the idea of being with you doesn’t scare me.”
“What scares you?”
The idea of being withanyoneis new. It’s been a long time since I dabbled in having a steady girlfriend. The strength of her hold on me hasn’t lessened, the way her hands hold mine, and the way my heart holds hers.
“I was never scared to be with you. It’s the thought of living without you that scares me.”
29
Rad
I’m not sure what happened.
One minute, I’m living life like I always do, and the next, I’m one-half of a couple. I’m coupling. This is going to take some getting used to. Especially when my new girlfriend . . .Girlfriend. . .Whoa. I have a girlfriend.
Tealey sits on the bed with crossed legs, watching me choose a tie for court. She says, “Red’s nice.”
“Too aggressive for this judge.”
“Blue is calming.”
“Eh. I’m not feeling it.” Watching the ties rotate on the holder, uninspired, I release the button, and it comes to a stop. “What does green say to you?”
She stares at me, slowly blinking before she falls back on the bed, kicking her legs in the air. “I don’t know. This is exhausting. What does orange say? Purple? Yellow? Polka dot?” Propping herself up on her elbows, she says, “And here I thought facts and principles only mattered. Who knew a tie could make or break a case?”
“So burgundy then?” I grab the tie and loop it around my neck.
As if I’ve offended her, she stands with her hands on her hips. “I said red first.”
“Burgundy isn’t red. It’s deeper. Richer. It says you can trust me, and my client should win.”
Her gaze goes to my tie, and then, in disbelief, she eyes me again. “That’s what you think that tie says?”