Page 124 of Eternally Yours
I felt so guilty after that incident. I’ve caused them so much trouble in just a week, I can’t even imagine what it will be like a month from now. Because I know it won’t get better, no matter how many times everyone tells me it will.
What Silas and I have doesn’t just go away magically.
They keep telling me it’s okay and not to worry about all the damage I’ve caused. That it’s normal to react this way, that the wound is still fresh, and my body needs a way to let out the emotions it’s been bottling in since everything started.
Two days after I moved out, my car showed up in the driveway. I know it was Silas. He’s been messaging and calling since I left, but I never answer. Instead, I torture myself and read every message, listen to every voicemail on repeat. I know it’s not healthy, but I don’t know how to stop. Even if I know this is for the best, I still love him. I still miss him.
I quit my job the very next day. Amanda called me and offered me more time off, but I couldn’t do that to her again. This is different. I don’t need time to sort through this and get better. This won’t get better, not anytime soon.
So I told her I’d find time to clear my office and that I was sorry for all the problems I’ve caused her since the beginning of the year. To which she replied that I was always welcome back when I was ready.
I just finished clearing my desk when Emma walks in with Steve, both with a doleful expression.
“No, please. I’m barely holding it together...” My voice cracks as I turn away.
“Babe, you don’t need to hold it together. Not for us,” Steve says softly, voice filled with sympathy.
They come to my back and hug me from each side, causing me to break down once more in my office. I try hard to stay quiet, but eventually I hear Emma telling someone I’ll be okay, so I know we’ve gathered attention.
“All right, let’s all get back to work, please,” Amanda calls from behind us.
The sound of footsteps echoes as people retreat from my embarrassingly pathetic scene. “You guys, too. Emma, you can wait outside the door to help her bring her things down. I’d like to have a moment with Cecilia, alone.”
Steve and Em both hug me tight, then step away, closing the door behind them. I clean myself up quickly with the back of my sleeve, even if that won’t hide the evidence of my meltdown.
Amanda comes to stand before me, placing her hands on my arms and rubbing up and down. “I know this is hard and you feel like your world is being ripped apart. But it won’t always be like this, Cece. You are one of the strongest women I know. You’ve already been through so much, and yet you still stand tall.”
She offers me a soft smile as she continues. “You’ll get through this too with time. Day by day it will hurt less, and eventually you’ll start getting better. You’ll come out on top of this, whether it’s by his side or alone. You’ll make it because you are a force, nothing can take you down.”
“It feels like this took me down pretty hard.” I blink through tears and steady my shaky breath.
“No, Cecilia. This hasn’t taken you down, it’s simply dimmed your light. And when you get out on the other side, you’ll shine brighter than ever. I know you will. You just need to remember that.” She brushes my hair out of my face and tucks it behind my ear.
“Now go home. Take the time you need to cry it out, and then figure out what you want to do. But know that there’s no shame in going back to him if that’s whatyou want. You two love each other, and this was an unfortunate event, but it doesn’t have to mean it’s the end. You just need to figure out if it’s all worth it or not. And no matter what you choose, no one will judge you. If they do, fuck them.”
My eyes grow wide at her choice of word. Amanda never swears, so it catches me off guard.
“My door is always open. Whether it’s for work, a recommendation, or simply a friend. I’m here for you.” She wraps her arms around me, then lets go and motions for Emma to come back inside.
We gather the rest of my stuff and head to my car. The one Silas bought for me as a birthday gift.The one that makes me cry every time I see it.
I make my way home and manage to stay focused most of the drive. But as I turn into Morgan and Clay’s neighborhood, the one with the home Silas and I bought together, my mind begins to drift.
I go over what Amanda said in my old office. How it doesn’t have to be the end. But I don’t know if it’s a situation I could live with without it affecting our relationship. It’s already had such a big impact...
Would I be able to accept this child? Would I be able to love it like it deserves? Or would I push it away every time it seeks out love from me because it would remind me of how it was created?
Questions run through my mind until I pull up in the driveway and park. I’m about to step out when movement catches my attention. I look up and find Silas standing by the trunk of his SUV with his duffle bag over his shoulder. His beard hasn’t been trimmed in a while, and he has dark circles under his eyes.
Oh, God. What have I done? Why am I here?
I must have driven on autopilot without realizing it and went home. My real home. I cry out and hurry to put the car in reverse and speed out of there as quickly as I can, tires screeching against the asphalt. I don’t look back. I don’t look to see if he’s still standing there.
I can’t.
Five minutes later, I arrive at the Burkley residence and park my car. But I don’t make it out. My broken heart takes over while I scream and cry, hitting every surface on the inside of my car.
A minute later, the front door opens, and Clay stands in the entrance with the phone to his ear. He hangs up and rushes down to my SUV, yanking the door open, unbuckling me, and picking me up in his arms.
