Page 34 of Going the Distance
Maybe Ishouldjust let it go.
He’d talk to me when he was ready, right?
(How long was that going to take, though?)
I could’ve pushed him on it, but I wanted to be able to trust him. I wanted him to be able to trust me. I didn’t want to be a nag, and I hated havingactualarguments with him now, when we couldn’t kiss and make up. He obviously didn’t want to talk about this, and I knew the easiest thing to do right now was drop it.
So I did.
“All right.”
“So,” he said, smile stiff, and I could hear the effort he made to sound casual, “you got any plans for later?”
“Not really. Have another go at my college essay. Maybe watch a movie. Lee was going to stay in and do some reading for English class. He needs to keep his grades up for football, so I figured I’d leave him to it.”
“Fair enough.”
“What about you?”
“There’s a party at one of the frat houses. Steve managed to get us an invite. His girlfriend knows one of the guys there or something.”
“Oh. Um, cool.”
There was a lapse, one I didn’t know how to fill.
Over the summer, we’d fall into silence sometimes, but it never mattered—we didn’tneedto fill the quiet, because it was comfortable. I told myself that it was only awkward right now because we were on the phone, and that was different from going quiet when we were together in person.
I considered bringing up the Sadie Hawkins dance. Asking him if he’d come home for the weekend to go with me. But I had a feeling he’d say no, and I didn’t want to hear that right now. Especially after we’d just avoided an argument.
And when the silence just got worse and more uncomfortable, so much so that Noah cleared his throat but didn’t bother to say anything, I said, “I’d better let you go, then. To get ready, or whatever.”
He was visibly relieved for the out.
I tried not to appear so obviously disappointed.
“Yeah. Yeah, I promised Am—I promised Steve I’d get there a little early with him. The frat said they’re not taking any more new pledges this year, but he’s still trying to get in.”
“Okay.” I sucked in a deep breath, but it was hard. It was hard to sound genuine when I said, “Well, have fun.”
We said goodbye before ending the call, and I sat up, leaning back on my elbows and trying to draw in deep breaths through my mouth, past the lump in my throat. I blinked hard. Nothing was wrong and there was no reason to cry. Nothingwaswrong. Things were just…strained…because we were so far apart and it had been over a month since we’d seen each other. That was all. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. Everything was fine.
I hoped.
The awkward silence, the almost-argument, and my unconvinced response to his suggestion that I apply to schools in Boston gnawed at me. I lay on my bed for a while, feeling queasy, scowling at the dark screen of my phone. It lit back up—another text from Levi, begging me to check out a vlogger.
When had things stopped being so easy with Noah?
