Page 50 of Going the Distance
“I want to trust you,” I tried to explain, my voice breaking. “But if you can’t tell me the truth about whatever’s going on…What kind of relationship is this? It’s…I can’t deal with it anymore. And…and neither of us should…should be tied down to something that’s just dead weight.”
“So, what…what are you saying?”
I drew in a breath to try and steady myself, and dragged my eyes up to meet his, trying to ignore the fact that they were glistening and that his face was utterly disconsolate (another SAT word of Lee’s).
Lee. Shit. How was Lee going to take this when he found out? How would I even tell him? Would Noah tell him first? Would Lee have to take sides? Would I make him do that, after everything I put him through by lying to him when I first got together with Noah?
“Elle?”
I couldn’t keep doing this. It hurt too much.
“I’m saying that this isn’t working out. And we…we should break up.”
This time, I counted three heartbeats of silence.
“Don’t do this, Elle,” he whispered.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
“I…I just…can’t…right now, okay? It’s…complicated.”
I shook my head. It wasn’t the right answer. It wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t enough to keep the tears out of my eyes.
“We can fix this. Elle.Please.”
“No, Noah, I don’t think we can; otherwise you’dtalkto me about something like this.”
He strode around the bed toward me and I moved back. If he held me right now, I’d want to forget about it, I’d want to forgive him, and I knew that was the wrong thing.
I fixed my eyes back on his feet, watching the way he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, before pressing down his toes firmly as he stood up straighter.
What other choice did I have? This was getting to be too painful—and better I got out now before he realized there were girls at college much more worth his time than me. Right? He was clearly moving on with his life, and I was just one more string tying him down to his old life he didn’t need—or want—anymore. And from the sound of things, he already had something going on withthat girl.
And whatever was going on, he obviously didn’t trust me enough to tell me.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured.
And something inside me shattered.
My breath caught in my throat and if I thought this was painful before, it was nothing compared to the sharp ache that spread through me now, the needles pressing into my skin and making me feel numb on the outside.
And now, when I was prepared to fight more tears down before getting out of here, none came. I simply stood there, my jaw a little slack, and my limbs too numb and leaden to run away.
Neither of us moved for a moment.
Until I couldn’t bear to look at him any longer.
“I should get going,” I mumbled, picking up my sweater and purse from the bed, throwing in the book I’d been reading earlier that I’d left on the nightstand, and my cell phone. I ducked my head as low as I could, my hair acting as a curtain to block out Noah.
He made no move to follow me out, even just to walk me to the door.
I hesitated in his doorway, though. Should I say something? Even just a goodbye? A “see you ’round”?
My mouth hung open for a few seconds, and I stole a glance over my shoulder. Noah had turned his back to me now, and I could see the muscles pulled taut in his back and arms, wrought with tension. His hands balled into fists for a second before hanging limp at his sides.
So I left, without saying anything.
It was only when I got in my car that the finality of what I’d just done hit me.
We’d broken up.I’dbroken up withhim.Everything outside blurred. I automatically put the wipers on, only to realize that I was crying, and it wasn’t rain. I didn’t want to risk Noah seeing me sitting in my car bawling my eyes out, so I threw the car into gear and tore down the drive with jerky movements as I fumbled with the clutch. I was trembling all over, so I punched the heat on, but it didn’t do any good.
I was crying too much and too hard to concentrate on driving, even just the short distance home, so I turned down the nearest side street and stalled to a stop, killing the engine. I collapsed forward onto the steering wheel and let loose the tears.
