Page 93 of Going the Distance
It wasn’t like we were still dating, like I couldn’t or shouldn’t kiss Levi if that was what I wanted to do, but still—knowing he’d seen us somehow made me feel every bit as terrible as if Ihadcheated.
I turned back to Levi, biting my cheek. The poor guy looked so confused by the interruption and my sudden shift in demeanor, and I felt…awful.He didn’t deserve this. I never should have asked him to meet me. I heard my breath shudder and bit my lip.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I mean…I don’t mean it’s anything against you, but I just…I’m really sorry. God, I’ve screwed up everything. I’m sorry. I’m such a bad person.”
Levi looked even more sheepish than I did. “No, it’s…it’s my fault, too. I shouldn’t have kissed you back.”
I shook my head. “This wasn’t…This was a mistake. Not because of you or anything, but…I mean…I can’t do this right now. Do you think we could just…forget that happened? For now, anyway? I don’t want to screw things up with us, and I know making out kind of already screwed things up, but—”
“Elle,” he said, cutting across me. I looked up from my knees to see Levi smiling at me, the usual easy smile I was used to. But there was no missing the hurt in his eyes, the way he couldn’t quite look at me, or the way his smile faded after a moment. “I get it.”
“I’m sorry. Fuck, Levi, I’m…I don’t even know what I was…” I bit my lip, then fixed him with a determined stare. “No, you know what? I do know what I was thinking. And it was a shitty thing to do.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not.”
“Well.” His lips twitched. “Yeah, it’s not. But I won’t hold it against you. We all do stupid things when we’re in love.”
I opened my mouth to object and faltered.
“You really need to stop being right so much,” I mumbled, trying to clear the air a little. “One day it’s gonna bite you in the ass.”
“It’s because I’m a Ravenclaw. It’s what we do. Being right, I mean.”
I let myself smile again, raising my eyebrows. “Oh, please. You’re such a Hufflepuff.”
We stayed on the swings a while longer, watching dusk bleed pink and red through the sky and the wind blow more leaves from the trees.
“I should probably be getting back,” Levi said after a while. “I promised my mom I wouldn’t be gone too long. Are you gonna be okay?”
I nodded. “Sure. Thanks for coming to meet me. And…I’m sorry. Again. I really am.”
He shrugged. “I’ll get over it. In fairness, you did call me so you could vent about your ex. I should’ve seen it coming. Come on, I’ll walk you back to your car.”
I let him, but this time we didn’t hold hands.
He gave me a hug before leaving, though. “You know you can call me if you need anything, right?”
I nodded. “I think I’m just gonna head home. I don’t much feel like facing up to Noah and Amanda right now, you know?”
“Okay.”
“Say hi to your mom and dad and Becca for me.”
“Will do. See you, Elle.”
“Yeah. See you.”
I didn’t drive off straightaway. I sat there staring blankly at the park, wondering why Noah had come afterme.
Was it because he wanted to talk? Did he just feel bad that he’d chased me out of the house and wanted to apologize? Or was it something more?
He’d asked me about Levi. He’d seen the photo and it had obviously bugged him enough to comment on it like he had. And then he’d come after me.
I stopped before my mind ran away with itself. Noah and I were over. And I had to remember: I’d been the one to end things. He had no right to be mad if I snuck away from Thanksgiving to make out with Levi, and I had no right to want him to miss me.
Turning the key in the ignition so violently that I stalled the car, I ground my teeth. I really had to stop wondering if there was still anything between us, or if there ever would be again, no matter how I felt.
