Page 47 of Twice Shy

“Anybody.”

“Wow, that’s… Why not?”

Joel released his death grip on the steering wheel enough to rub anxiously at the back of his neck. “It’s difficult. People can be so weird about bisexuality, and I just—” He took a deep breath, shoulders straightening. “Truth is, I made a mistake with Helen. I didn’t come out to her for a long time. Years. I guess I knew she’d hate it. But it was always there, this secret niggling at me. It felt like…like a barrier between us. And, I don’t know, eventually I just wanted her to…to…”

“To see you?” Ollie said quietly, aching at the distress he saw in Joel’s tense profile.

He nodded. “I was hiding part of myself and I hated it. So, one day I just… I just told her. Blurted it out. We’d been married for five years by then. I thought, after so long, it would be okay.” He blew out a breath. “It wasn’t. She just couldn’t get past it. In the end, it’s why she found someone else. She said the idea of me…being with another guy made her want to puke. And that was pretty devastating.”

Ollie squeezed his arm. “Jesus, Joel.”

“After that I guess I just didn’t want to risk it again.”

“Yeah, no surprise there.”

Joel’s tight smile suggested he didn’t think Ollie could possibly understand, but his tone was lighter when he said, “So, anyway, the last guy I dated was in my sophomore year at college. I’m kind of…out of practice.”

“Out of practice?” Ollie laughed. “Don’t worry, it’s like riding a bike. Only more fun.”

A broader smile tugged at Joel’s lips, cheeks flushing charmingly. “At dating, I mean. I was with Helen for eight years in total.”

Eight years and she left him because he’d fucked a couple guys before they were together? Christ. Ollie scratched a hand through his hair. “I understand you haven’t had any reason to come out here,” he said, returning to what he considered the key point. He hesitated before asking, “Do you want to keep it that way?”

“I— Yes.” Another quick—apologetic? —glance. “I think I have to, with school. People are so…uncomfortable with bisexuality. It’s like they think you want to screw anything that’s not nailed down. And when it comes to their kids, parents can be...”

Ollie grunted. “Tell me about it.”

“Right. Of course you know.” Joel sighed, shoulders slumping. “This must sound lame to you. You’re so open about everything.”

Ollie thought it over. Hewasopen, but that was his choice. He’d decided early on to make his sexuality as obvious as possible so that he didn’t constantly need to come out to people. His decision had its pros and cons but, overall, he’d found the advantages outweighed the disadvantages: what you saw was what you got, and he liked it that way. But he could see that it was different for Joel. “Look it’s your decision. I’m not going to judge you. And I do get why you wouldn’t want to be out as a teacher.”

“It’s the emotional upset I’m afraid of. I like to— Ineedto keep my life on an even keel these days.”

Ollie nudged his arm, remembering their passionate few minutes in the PTA shed. “Notalways.”

Joel’s laugh sounded alarmed. “Well. You’ve certainly shaken things up.”

As he spoke, they turned onto a quiet road in an expensive, established neighborhood and Joel pulled into the driveway of a substantial house, it’s white exterior gleaming in the dusky light. It was the sort of family home you saw on TV and Ollie wondered whether Joel had bought it with his wife before they split. He didn’t ask though, and when Joel turned off the engine they sat in silence in the driveway.

“If I haven’t put you off,” Joel said after a moment, “I’d like to…to see you again.”

“At the Christmas Market you mean, selling cupcakes?”

Joel made a soft sound, a huff of humor in the quiet car. “I’d like to see younotat a PTA event.” He glanced over, a tentative expression on his face. “If you’d like that?”

There were a dozen reasons not to get involved with a semi-closeted teacher, not least of which was Ollie’s need to focus on the boys and his stalled attempt to connect with Luca Moretti. But right then all he could think about was how much he liked Joel, with his cautious interest and awkward reserve, his generosity and kindness. “Iwouldlike that,” he said, and turned in his seat to touch Joel’s thigh. He smiled at the feel of firm muscle— must be all that cycling—and squeezed lightly, thrilled by the way Joel shifted toward him. That kind of heady power made a guy reckless. “If we had more time, I’d come in and show you exactly how much I like the idea.”

Joel closed his hand over Ollie’s, trapping his fingers against his leg. “Come here,” he said, reaching for him. It was awkward in the car, the gearshift digging into Ollie’s thigh and the steering wheel getting in the way, but Joel’s hand on the back of his neck was sure and certain and Ollie’s insides softened, melting as their mouths met in a long, leisurely kiss. The only sounds in the car were their ragged inhales and exhales, and the gentle rustle of clothing. Ollie couldn’t help feeling that the moment was significant. Itfeltsignificant, like pieces he hadn’t known were muddled tumbling back into place. Order emerging from chaos, things being set right.

As the kiss slowly ebbed their foreheads came to rest together, breath mingling in the cooling car. Joel’s hand rested against Ollie’s neck, thumb stroking the bolt of his jaw. Smiling, Ollie said, “So…”

“So. Um, shall I call you this week or…?”

Ollie sat back enough to meet Joel’s eye. “There’s a— Jackie’s organizing a PTA night out on Friday. Dinner at the Majestic. Are you going?”

“A PTA night out?” Joel looked dubious.

Ollie laughed. “I know, but—” Clearing his throat he endeavored to sound casual. “The boys are spending the night at their grandparents Friday and Saturday, so...”

Joel’s cool gray eyes met his. No, not cool now. Not cool at all. “That sounds like a date.”

Excited, Ollie grinned. “I guess it does.”

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