Page 48 of Twice Shy

Chapter Fourteen

PTA Committee Night Out, Friday November 22nd

The fact that Joel hadn’t dated in years had never been more apparent than when he stood in front of his open closet and studied his wardrobe in search of something appropriate to wear.

Appropriate was the wrong word. Nice. He wanted to wear something nice. When was the last time he’d even thought about how he looked? Not in four years, clearly, because all he saw hanging in his closet were the suits he wore for work and the heavy shirts and jeans he wore around the house—a good number of which bore the marks of home improvement.

Should have thought about this sooner, he chided himself. But it was too late now. Jackie had booked a table for seven and it was already six o’clock. Besides, he was probably over-thinking. That’s what Amy had suggested when he’d shown up in a panic at Tuesday’s appointment.

“It sounds pretty low-key,” she’d observed from across the coffee table. “A meal out with friends—sounds like Ollie’s happy to take things slow.”

“It’s still a date,” Joel had objected. “And… I don’t really do ‘low-key’. I don’t see the point. You either want something or you don’t.”

She’d nodded at that. “But, perhaps, sometimes what you want is simply to have fun? You have fun with Ollie?”

“Yes. He’s… This sounds stupid, but I feel more myself when I’m around him.”

“More yourself? What’s that like?”

An uncomfortable subject, one he’d wished at the time he’d not brought up. “It’s hard to explain. Ollie needs— I like being useful. I like helping him out, it makes me feel good about myself.”

Amy’s shrewd eyes had glinted. “You enjoy looking after people.”

“Anything wrong with that?”

“I don’t think so. Do you?”

“No.” He’d hesitated, swallowed. “Helen always said I was clingy. Too intense.”

“That was Helen.”

“What if she was right?”

“Helen was only talking about her experience, Joel. She can’t speak for everyone. She can’t speak for Ollie, or what’s right for you in relationship to Ollie. You said being with him made you feel ‘more yourself’. To me, that sounds like a good thing. What about it bothers you?”

“I didn’t say it bothered me.” Amy said nothing, just waited for more. She always knew when there was more. “The old me,” he ventured, picking his way through his thoughts, “was more confident. But I was over-protective and emotionally…intense. I justfelttoo much.”

“Too much is a weighted term, Joel. In the end, your relationship with Helen didn’t work for either of you. It wasn’t because you felt ‘too much’, it was because you and Helen weren’t compatible for several reasons. That doesn’t mean that you need to feel less to make a relationship work. In fact, it’s not possible to control how much you feel. As I think you’re aware.”

“And that’s the problem.”

Amy smiled. “So, we’re back to risk. You’re a man who feels deeply, who not only enjoys caring for and protecting others but feels self-actualized in that role—and that’s not something you can just switch on and off. It’s integral to who you are as a person. In a relationship where those feelings were not reciprocated, your emotional wellbeing would be at risk. But you’re also a man who can only jump in with both feet.”

“Which is why it’s safest not to jump at all.”

“Perhaps. There are dangers to denying yourself emotional closeness, too.”

He’d chewed that over all the way home, and it still sat in the back of his mind. For the best part of four years he’d cocooned himself in his safe, unentangled life—his job, his house, his cycling. His routine.

And then Ollie had come along and somehow slipped past his defenses. Determined and vulnerable, struggling and sweet, he’d wriggled inside before Joel had recognized he was in danger. By the time he knew, it was already too late—he cared about the guy and those kids of his, he wanted to help them. And from that had sprung other feelings. Romantic feelings.

Desire.

He closed his eyes, felt a shiver run through him as he remembered those electric moments in the shed. The feel of Ollie in his arms, all that tensile strength and vulnerability, had left him weak. The thought that it might happen again—tonight—left him weaker. No pretending he didn’t want it; his mind was awash with fantasies and half-formed desires. The thought of getting naked together, of being intimate with Ollie, had his heart in his throat. He wanted it; he was afraid that want would undo him.

But he wasn’t afraid enough to stop.

In the end, he chose a pair of charcoal jeans, a white button-down that he sometimes wore for work, and a navy blazer—he hoped he didn’t look too conventional. He’d made an effort with his hair, though, even unearthing some product to help it stay in place. Overall, he was pleased with the effect. It looked like he’d tried, but he didn’t look overdressed for dinner with Jackie et al at the Majestic Hotel.

---