Page 7 of Twice Shy

Chapter Three

Amy Cho’s office was in her home, a large Colonial in a nice neighborhood of Commack. Joel had been seeing her since he first moved to Long Island in the aftermath of his divorce, initially weekly, then every two weeks, now once a month.

She’d mooted the idea of bringing their sessions to an end, but Joel wasn’t sure. Although he felt stable now, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was walking a thin line and that he could be easily knocked back down into the depression and anxiety that had dogged him in the months after Helen left.

Today was one of those days. Anxiety beat its wings at his back, disturbing the air and leaving him off-balance.

As always, Amy met him at the door. A solid woman of middle years, her graying hair hung in an immaculate bob below her chin and she exuded a calm confidence that Joel had responded to from the start. He trusted her, relied on her, and liked her.

“Hello Joel,” she said with a smile, and led him through her house to the pleasant room she used as an office. It overlooked her garden, which was as pristine as her house. Something to aspire to, he often thought as he gazed out over the lush grass and flowering trees and shrubs. His own yard needed a lot of work, but he was focusing on fixing up the house first. It took time when you were starting from a baseline of zero home improvement skills.

As always, they sat across from each other next to the French windows—open, today—a low coffee table between them on which sat a discrete box of Kleenex and a pitcher of water next to an upturned glass. He assumed some of her clients cried during their sessions, but he never had. Amy thought it was odd—no, ‘unusual’ was the word she’d used—but Joel preferred to keep his feelings under control.

“So.” Amy began in the same way she always began. “How have you been?”

“Okay. Back to school, now. I’m teaching sixth grade this year and working a few extra hours. It’s good. And I made great progress on the house over the summer. Oh, and I finally bought a low emission car. It’s electric.”

Amy made a note, offered a benign smile. “Sounds like you’ve kept busy.”

“It wasn’t a distraction,” he said, smiling too. She knew him well. “I felt solid all summer. On an even keel. Calm.”

“And now?”

He hesitated. Damn, but she was perceptive. “A little… I don’t know. Off balance, I guess.”

“Hmmm. Do you know why?”

“No.” A flutter of memory: Ollie Snow crouching down to gather Rory into a hug in the school parking lot. “I mean, it’s nothing really…” Amy stayed silent, giving him space to tackle the thoughts he’d been avoiding. After a while he said, “Last week we had a cookout at the school. There was this guy there, a single father, with his kids and— I don’t know, I guess I felt…jealous?”

“Okay.”

“Not really.”

“We’ve spoken a lot about how much you wanted children with Helen. It’s natural that, seeing another father, you’d feel envious.”

“Yeah, but I see parents at school all the time. I thought I’d got past that.”

Amy nodded thoughtfully. “Something about this single father was different?”

“Yeah, he was…” Joel shook his head, struggling to put his finger on the reason he kept thinking about Ollie Snow and his kids. Maybe because he knew Rory’s parents had died? “I guess he seemed kind of heroic.”

“That’s an interesting word choice.”

“The two kids he’s raising are orphaned and he’s really young to be a parent. I mean, early twenties young, you know? That’s pretty heroic in my book.”

Amy made a noncommittal ‘hmm’ sound. “And you said you felt jealous.”

“He was sweet with his kids, affectionate—they were cute together. I wished... I guess I wished I was part of it, part of a family like that.” He sighed and slumped back in his chair. “I really thought I’d let all this go.”

“Letting go of your anger toward Helen doesn’t mean letting go of your hopes, Joel.” Amy smiled, not her bland smile this time but something more motherly. “You’re still a young man. You have time to build the life you want.”

“I have,” he said. “Thisisthe life I want.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“So, you’re happy.”

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