Page 74 of Twice Shy

Chapter Nineteen

“Thanks for seeing me on such short notice,” Joel said as he stepped past Amy into her office. The sofa where he usually sat looked as pristine and inviting as always, but he walked to the picture window instead and gazed out over the winter-frosted garden. It was a brilliant morning, sunlight gleaming on the icy grass, glinting off the surface of water frozen in the elegant birdbath.

“I’m glad I had an opening,” Amy said. The office door clicked shut behind him and he heard her cross the room and sit in her chair. “You sounded…anxious.”

To put it mildly. “I was wondering whether I need to get a prescription.”

A speaking silence followed. Then, “You’ve been off SSRIs for over two years, Joel. What’s happened to make you think you need them again?”

Ollie Snow had happened, that’s what. Falling asleep with Ollie in his arms and waking in a panic, realizing that his wellbeing—his joy in life—was once again at the mercy of another’s fickle, unknowable emotions had terrified him. He’d fled like a thief in the night and paced his house until dawn. “It’s…” He scrubbed a hand through his hair, leaving it disheveled. “It’s this guy I’ve been seeing.”

“Ah.” Another pause. “Joel, why don’t you come and sit down?”

He turned from the window. Amy, calm as a pond, watched him. Too unsettled to sit, he paced past the sofa and stood behind it, hands braced on its back. “I’ve got all these…feelings. My heart’s racing, I’m having trouble sleeping.” Unless he was with Ollie,thenhe slept. Then he laughed and felthappy,God help him. “I’m frightened.”

Amy nodded. “Yes, that’s natural.”

Was it? Were terror and panic the natural responses to feelings of warmth and affection? He didn’t think so.

“You’re getting back on the horse, Joel, after four years avoiding horses. And, to extend the metaphor, you’re afraid of being thrown again.” She cocked her head into a listening tilt. “What is it, specifically, that’s troubling you?”

“I’m falling too fast, and he’s…” He swallowed before voicing the truth. It felt slippery in his mind, difficult to express. Unpleasant to say. “I’m afraid Ollie’s interested in someone else.” His fingers flexed against the back of the sofa, he watched them press into the velvety cushion. “Someone who’s more like him—out and properlygay.”

“Hmm. In the way Helen left you for someone who was more likeher—properly straight?”

He dug his fingers deeper into the sofa. “Yes.”

“How does Ollie feel about your bisexuality?”

“He said he’d figured I was ‘at least’ bi. I guess he’s okay with it, but…” Joel looked up. “But he can’t take his eyes off this other guy. Whenever he shows up, Ollie’s watching him. And there’s this…tension between them. It’s not even subtle.”

After a thoughtful pause, Amy said, “You described this man as ‘out and properly gay’. Let’s unpack that: do you think being out and gay makes him more authentic than you?”

Joel snorted at the idea, but in truth Amy wasn’t far wrong, and something about her putting her finger on the problem drew the tension out of him. For a moment he leaned heavily against the sofa, then came around and dropped down onto it. “He walks around holding hands with his fiancé, head held high.” Joel grimaced. “A poster boy for gay pride. Meanwhile, I was with Helen for eight years and now I’m wary of coming out. I can see how inauthentic I must look to Ollie by contrast. How…half-hearted.”

“Do youfeelhalf-hearted about your relationship with Ollie?”

“No! The exact opposite.” Joel blew out a breath. “But Iamhiding it, aren’t I? And Ollie deserves more. He deserves someone who can give him a goddamn hug in public and I… I don’t know whether I could ever give him that.”

After a pause, Amy said, “Your decision to come out can only be made on your terms, Joel, not to suit anyone else’s agenda. But you have been out before, when you were with Isaac.”

“I know. It’s not…” He felt a panicky flash of heat as he drew closer to the crux of the issue. “I’m not afraid of coming outper se. I’m out to my parents and family—they knew Isaac. That was fine.”

“But something’s different this time.”

“Well, when I was with Isaac most people thought I was gay. But, because of Helen, people here think I’m straight. So, if I come out now, it will be because of my relationship with Ollie. Everyone will know about us. They’ll be surprised and shocked and—” His throat seized and strangled the sentence. He dropped his head into his hands. “They’ll gossip. They’ll snigger and say I’m going through a ‘gay phase’ or having some kind of midlife crisis. And when it ends, they’ll assume it wasn’t real. Or…or thatIwasn’t real. That I wasn’t gay enough.”

“Does their ignorance matter?”

He shrugged. “After Helen left, people assumed I was a closet case. Even though she was the one who’d cheated, they thought it was because I wasn’t…wasn’t man enough for her. In the bedroom. I heard them talking about it in the wash room at work. And I hated it, having people belittle my marriage—my sexuality—like that. I don’t want to go through it again. I can’t.”

Amy hummed her acknowledgment; it was a subject they’d discussed before. After a pause, she said, “When it ends.”

He glanced up. “What?”

“Talking about your relationship with Ollie, you said ‘whenit ends’ not ‘ifit ends’.”

“Everything ends.”

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