Page 75 of Twice Shy

Amy let that slide. “So, let’s see. You’re painting a picture of this relationship, Joel. Let me reflect it back to you. It’s not going to last, because you believe that ultimately Ollie will want to be with someone he perceives to be more authentically gay—in the same way Helen wanted to be with someone she felt was more authentically straight. Which means you’re not willing to share this relationship with friends and colleagues only to have them dismiss it as an embarrassing ‘phase’ when Ollie eventually drops you for this other ‘properly gay’ man. Does that about sum it up?”

Joel gave a miserable nod. Put like that, he wondered why he’d bothered at all.

“What happens,” Amy said, “if we challenge one of those assumptions?”

“Like what?”

“Like… What if Ollie isn’t interested in this other man? What if there’s a different reason he watches him? Perhaps he likes the way he dresses, or he reminds him of someone he once knew. Or maybe he feels a passing attraction but nothing more? Maybe he thinks the guy has weird teeth. These are just examples, but you get my point. If you change that assumption—and since you haven’t discussed this with Ollie, itisan assumption—how does the rest of the picture look?”

Joel rubbed his jaw. He hadn’t shaved that morning and his bristles felt itchy. “I don’t know. If it’s not this guy, then someone—”

“We’re changing the narrative, Joel. Let’s assume Ollie isn’t interested in anyone else. Period. Then what?”

“Then…” He shook his head, realizing he was struggling to believe that even in a hypothetical situation his relationship with Ollie could last. “Then…I guess…in that situation, the relationship might not end.”

“It might not,” Amy agreed mildly. “And so perhaps you might feel more comfortable being open about it.”

“Okay. But that’s just ‘what if’. I see the way he looks at Luc—” He cut himself off. “At this other guy.”

If Amy had noticed the slip, she didn’t comment. “How about we look at it from Ollie’s point of view for a moment? He’s dating a guy who wants to keep the relationship secret because deep down he believes it’s doomed to fail, and when it fails he doesn’t want anyone to know it ever happened. That…doesn’t sound like a comfortable place to be.”

Joel winced, remembering Ollie’s disappointment with Joel’s behavior at the market. “No, it doesn’t.”

“And suspecting your partner has such little confidence in the future of your relationship, you might wonder whether he was really invested in the first place. You might look for somebody you felt was more likely to commit. And youmightbelieve that an out gay man was a better bet.”

Joel gave her a wry look. “You’re saying it’s a self-fulfilling prophesy.”

“We’ve talked about the plaster cast on your leg that can do more harm than good, Joel. This could be one of those times.”

“You’re saying I should just…ignore the fact he ogles this guy?”

“I’m saying that trying to protect yourself from future pain could be doing more harm than good. I’m saying you should have a conversation about why Ollie ‘ogles’ this man—if that’s what he does; ‘ogles’ is a weighted word—and where you both see your relationship going.”

Joel sighed, scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I know I’m bringing a lot of baggage to this. It’s not fair on Ollie.”

“If you tell him about the baggage, then it’s his choice whether he wants to take it on. If you try to hide it…” She spread her hands. “Starting a relationship with the presumption it will fail is likely to ensure it does. What you need to decide is whether you want to try and make it work, and how much risk you’re prepared to take.”

Tilting his head back, Joel stared at the ceiling. Could he do it? Could he ask Ollie about Moretti, could he explain his fears without making himself sound needy and insecure? Dared he risk opening himself up to gossip and speculation for a chance at something lasting with Ollie? At happiness?

Back in August, he’d have said no with a capital N and a capital O. Now, he wasn’t so certain. What he’d come to feel for Ollie couldn’t be swept aside, couldn’t be undone. It was there and it was real. The question was whether he wanted to end it now and control the pain or take a chance on an unknowable future. Both ideas frightened him, but in his heart he knew there was only one answer: he couldn’t walk away from Ollie. He was already in too deep.

“There’s a Christmas party,” he said. “Finn Callaghan invited us. That might be a good time to talk about Moretti. Casually, I mean. Just…casually bring it up. Neutral ground and”—a rueful smile—“some Dutch courage.”

“I wouldn’t advise too much Dutch courage, but wherever you feel comfortable would work.”

Well, there was nowhere he would feelcomfortablehaving this conversation. But it seemed that hewasgoing to have it.

And that felt significant. That felt enormous.

∞∞∞

Ollie pushed open the door to Alfie’s Autos, backing in to hold the door wide while he levered the stroller up over the doorstep. There was nothing like navigating the world with a stroller to make you realize how frustrating it must be in a wheelchair. Ramps, people. Ramps!

Inside, he found a small reception area with a counter staffed by a teenage girl. Behind her, the auto shop stretched back a hundred feet or so. He could see his own car sitting forlornly toward the back.

“Morning,” the girl said, looking up from the car magazine she’d been flicking through. “I’m Danita, how can I help you this morning?”

Ollie smiled to himself; her script sounded not unlike his own at the call center. “Morning, Danita. Is Alfie around? He asked me to stop by and talk about my car.”

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