Page 8 of Twice Shy

Joel turned his attention to the garden. It was a beautiful early fall morning, the air had been crisp when he left home but was warming fast, the trees barely tinged with autumn color. A squirrel scampered across the lawn, something large clamped in his jaws.Hewas probably happy, but he was too stupid to know better. “I don’t know about happiness,” he said when the silence had grown long. “I’d say I was…content. It’s undervalued, contentment.”

“I value it greatly. As a baseline state, contentment is undoubtedly the goal. Happiness is something different though, you’re right about that.”

He turned back to her. “You always say I should be happy.”

“I don’t think youshouldbe anything, Joel. But most people enjoy being happy now and then. I’m interested in why you avoid it.”

“I don’t avoid it.”

“Don’t you? You saw a young man with his children and you felt jealous, but that’s something you could strive for: a partner, children, and a family. That’s a life you could achieve.”

Silence. In the garden, the squirrel scampered up a tree, rattling the leaves. “You know why I like to keep things simple.”

“I know why you did four years ago, when you were in crisis. But you’re not in that place anymore.”

“Aren’t I?”

Her eyebrows rose slightly. “Do you feel that you are?”

“I—No.” When he thought back on how he’d felt when he first came here—his sense of self shattered, his dreams in ruins, his once-certain future destroyed—he recognized the progress he’d made. But he well knew how fast that could all derail.

He’d been happy until the day Helen dropped her bombshell and left, and the fall had almost destroyed him. He wouldn’t survive another. “I’m still afraid,” he admitted after a long silence.

“That’s natural. You went through a huge psychological shock. But youhaverecovered. That’s not to say you haven’t changed, because life changes us all, but consider this: if you break a leg, the doctors put it in plaster. You need that plaster, it helps you heal. But once your leg is mended, if you’re still walking around with the plaster in place… Well, it’s doing you more harm than good.” He fixed her with a look but didn’t respond. “Your solitary life is the plaster, Joel, and perhaps it’s time to take it off.”

“What if I don’t want to? What if I’m happy the way I am?”

After a silence, she said, “But you’re not happy, are you? That’s the point. Happiness is a risk, and you’re afraid to take it.”

“When it comes to my mental health, I’m very risk averse. Yes.”

“That’s not always—”

“Look, I spent years evaluating risk for ABM. I understand risk. And I don’t believe a couple of moments—or evenyears—of happiness is worth risking what comes after.”

“Whatmaycome after.”

He spread his hands. “Like I said, happiness is a bad risk. I’d rather keep my life uncomplicated and remain stable.”

“I think, if that were the case, you wouldn’t still be coming to see me.”

∞∞∞

After his session with Amy ended, Joel headed down to the beach to clear his head. This time of year, with the summer rush over, the town was emptying out and there was plenty of room to lock up his bicycle outside Dee’s Coffee Shop.

Not to say there weren’t still some tourists in town—the Majestic Hotel was doing a roaring trade these days—and when Joel reached the boardwalk, he could see a group of people in matching Surf Hut t-shirts practicing how to jump into a standing position on boards laid out in a circle on the sand. They were probably from the hotel; he could see Luca Moretti in the center of the group, demonstrating the move. Moretti was difficult to miss—a tall, handsome blond with his wetsuit peeled down to his waist, showing off a well-muscled chest. Joel paused to watch for a moment. Since Helen had left, he’d started noticing guys more and more. Not that he’d ever stopped noticing them while he was married, but he’d been in love with Helen and that had been all that mattered. Now, though, he often found his eyes lingering on a handsome face or lithe male body. It wasn’t exactly attraction, more anawareness. For Joel, attraction had always been about much more than the physical. And it wasn’t anything he wanted to pursue; he hadn’t dated anyone in four years and had no desire to start. At all. The thought of trusting anyone that much again—

Nope. Never.

Turning away from the surfers, he walked down onto sand warmed by the morning sun and kicked off his shoes. As always, he headed towards the far end of the beach where the dunes rose up and the wind skipped through the grass. He drew in a deep breath, let it out slowly, and lifted his face to the sky, closing his eyes.

Content. At peace. Calm.

Amy was wrong. No reason she had to be right all the time. He knew his own mental health better than anybody and he wasn’t about to risk it chasing dangerous dreams. No, he’d built himself a stable life and he wouldn’t let anything upset it. Certainly not a cute young guy and his adorable kids.

His stomach growled as he reached the rocks at the end of the beach, close to the Majestic Hotel, and he turned to walk back. Lunch on the back porch beckoned, and then he could start work stripping the wallpaper in the third bedroom. That would fill his afternoon nicely.

He felt calmer after his walk, more centered, which was lucky because as he reached the steps leading up to the boardwalk, he saw Ollie Snow leaning on the railing gazing out across the water. Rory sat on the boardwalk next to him, slurping a blue slushy, while Luis was in the stroller doing a great job of painting his face with an ice-cream cone. It made a painfully perfect picture and Joel fought off another wave of envy.

I’ll never have that.

The wind caught Ollie’s mop of tangled hair, blowing it away from his face and fluttering his t-shirt against his trim body. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses, but his expression was thoughtful and whatever he was looking at had him captivated. Following his gaze, Joel wasn’t surprised to discover he was watching Luca Moretti.

Well, why wouldn’t he? Moretti wasexactlythe sort of guy Ollie would admire: gay, gorgeous, and casually confident about his sexuality. He could see how attractive that would be to a young man like Ollie Snow.

A quicksilver flare pulsed in his chest, anxiety or excitement. Joel wasn’t sure which and was even less sure why he should feel either. What hedidknow was that it was time to go home and eat lunch. Stick to his routine.

He hesitated at the foot of the steps, but neither Ollie nor Rory noticed him. Good, he told himself.Good. Shoving sandy feet into his deck shoes, Joel hurried past without saying hello. He didn’t want to get delayed or drawn into anything. Let them enjoy their family time together.

He had wallpaper to strip.

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