Page 68 of The Last Kiss

Harry didn’t know whether to scream or sob, because having this impossible dream dangled in front of him was bloody agonising — as if parting last time hadn’t hurt enough. “Your fathersawus, Ash. Boyd saw us. Culham and John sodding Pierson saw us. Peopleknow. We can’t — ” He fisted a hand in his hair. “When your father finds out I’m there, what do you think he’ll do?”

“My f-father won’t know.” Ash pursed his lips. “He d-doesn’t give a damn what I do, as long I never go near him or my b-brother again. I’m not welcome in m-my family.”

Ah, God. Harry ached to offer comfort, but there was none to give and Ash needed to know that. “He’ll give a damn if he thinks you’re going to cause a scandal.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to t-take. I c-can’t live a lie, Harry. I won’t. Iwantto live with you, b-but if you — ” His voice broke and he looked sharply away. “I thought you wanted this, too.”

“Ido. God knows, I do.” Harry’s throat ached, his eyes burned. “But I can’t live a lie, either. And I’d be lying to Kitty. My wholelifewould be a bloody dangerous lie and she’d pay a price if we were discovered. And — Hell, Ash, you’remarried.” That hurt, it really sodding well hurt whatever Ash said. “What would I do? Sleep above the stables and pop in for a fuck when your wife’s away?”

“Jesus, no.” Ash sounded horrified. “I told you, Olive supports us. We’re only man and wife in the eyes of the law. Between ourselves we’re simply friends and we intend to live our own separate lives. Olive’s going to stay in town, for starters, and train to be a doctor, while I live in the cottage — with you, I hope.” He took half a step closer. “Harry, it would be our house. Ourhome.”

Harry gritted his teeth. “That’s bloody ridiculous.”

“Why? People do it. Edward Carpenter lives with his male lover, and he — ”

“Who the hell’s Edward Carpenter?”

“He’s a poet and philosoph — ”

“Well, I’m a nag-man!” Harry said harshly. “I’m a nag-man from Bethnal Green, and you’re the son of a bloody baronet. We can’t set up house together without people noticing. It’s a fantasy, it’s dangerous, and it’s — ”

“The best I can do!” The words echoed between them and they stared at each other in the ringing silence. “It’s the best I can do,” Ash said again, quietly. “Iloveyou, Harry. I’d risk anything to be with you. But if you don’t feel the same...” He backed up, bumping into the wall behind him.

“It’s not that I don’t feel the same. What you’re talking about? I want it so bloody much it’s killing me. But it’s a dream, Ash. It was always a dream.”

“Not to me. To me it was always a hope.”

Harry clenched a hand in his hair, as if that tiny sting could mask the stabbing in his chest. “I’m sorry, but I have to think about Kitty and the girls. I can’t risk hurting them or — ”

“Don’t.” Ash lifted a hand to cut him off. “Don’t make Kitty your excuse.”

“Myexcuse?”

“God knows, I understand, Harry. When my f-father burst in on us, it w-was terrifying. Humiliating. I c-can’t stand to think about it. I understand why you’re so afraid.”

Harry stiffened. “I’m not afraid. Not for me, at any rate.”

“But things are different now. My marriage protects us — ”

“Jesus Christ!” Rage boiled over, a resentment that had been simmering for years. For Harry’s whole life, perhaps. “It’s so bloody easy for you, isn’t it? Sitting there in your country house with your old man a friend of the magistrate. You think you’d do two years hard if we were found out? You think your family would be spat at in the street, would lose their home and livelihood? Would end up fucking destitute? No, of course they wouldn’t. Because they have rank andmoneyto protect them. And so do you. But I don’t, and neither does Kitty, and I won’t bring ruin down on her. I bloody wellwon’t.”

Ash stared, his face ghostly. “I-I-I see.”

And just like that, Harry’s anger drained away, leaving him scoured raw. “Ash…”

“No. I a-a-apologise. I d-didn’t understand.” He bent awkwardly to retrieve his cane and hat from the ground, bracing one shaking hand on the wall for balance. Heartsick, Harry longed to go to him, to help him. Yet something held him back. “I’d b-b-better go.”

“No, wait...”

“For what?”

But Harry had no answer, his throat aching with sorrow.

“I don’t want to m-make trouble for you. I d-don’t want to hurt you or your f-family. I — ” Ash sucked in a ragged breath, keeping his face averted. “I’ll b-be in town until Monday should you — ” His voice cracked. “Should you ch-change your mind.” And then he was moving, stumbling out of the alley as fast as his bad leg would permit, dashing a hand over his eyes.

“Ash!” Harry called brokenly, but Ash didn’t turn around and Harry didn’t follow.

He tried to believe it was for the best.