Page 102 of No Man's Land

“I’m not safe around people.”

“Not even me?”

“Especially not you.”

Josef leaned forward, elbows on knees, studying Alex. So close he could have reached out and touched Alex’s leg. He didn’t. “Because you blame me for refusing to end your life, for leaving you in the tunnels?” Alex’s confused frown made him add, “You called me a fucking coward.”

“I called you a coward?”

“Afuckingcoward, yes.”

Alex’s expression changed, softening into distress in a way that made Josef’s throat ache. “I don’t remember very much,” he said roughly, “but Idoremember you standing between me and Dutta’s gun. And I remember you carrying me out of that place on your back. For God’s sake, Josef, how could I think you a coward when you saved my life?”

Carefully, Josef said, “I suppose that depends on whether you think it’s a life worth saving.”

Alex frowned. “Do you think I’d rather be dead?”

“Dutta thinks so.”

“He told you that?”

“Bumped into him outside. I think he was waiting for me.”

Alex scrubbed a hand through his tangled hair. “Dutta doesn’t understand. He’s never been—I don’t blame you for anything. You made a hard choice, a brave choice, and it was the right one.”

Bowing his head, Josef was overcome. He hadn’t realised how oppressed he’d been by Alex’s shouted accusation, how deeply he’d taken guilt into his heart. “Thank you,” he said,careless of the emotion in his voice. Let Alex hear it; he wanted him to know. Looking up, he said it again, “Thank you.”

“It’s the truth,” Alex said quietly. “That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? For the truth.”

“It is, yes.”

Their gazes tangled across the small space that separated them. Alex’s hair, too long and falling over his ears, gleamed in the glow of the gas lamps, their golden light adding warmth to his pallid skin. His lips, though, were a determined line. “Then you have it,” he said. “And now you should go.”

Josef frowned. “But that’s not what you want.”

“It’s for the best.”

“Not for me, it isn’t.”

Alex was silent, then said, “What do you want of me, Josef? I’ve told you what I am.”

“I want us to be friends—” He stopped himself. “No, I came here for the truth so here it is. I want us to be more than friends. I want us to be what we were a few months ago, and to see where that road takes us. And I came here to find out if you want the same.”

Alex closed his eyes, his hands gripping the arms of his chair so hard his knuckles were turning white. “Of course I want the same. Christ, I’ve thought of nothing but you these past weeks. You’ve set my heart on fire. You’re in my blood. In my bones. But—” He opened his eyes, the glitter of moisture on his lashes. “Can’t you see it’s impossible?”

Josef leaned forward, only inches left between them. “No. Why?”

“Because look at me!” Alex cried. “Look at what I am. Half monster!”

“Bollocks. The only monstrous thing about you is your bloody title, and if I can put up with that, I can put up with anything.”

“My—” Alex seemed to run out of words, then choked out something that wasn’t quite a laugh. “Damn it, Shepel, this is serious.”

“Life or death,” Josef agreed. “I choose life.”

I choose you.

Alex said, “I don’t know what…” He gestured at himself. “Things may improve; they may get worse. I could… hurt you.”

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