Page 52 of Persuaded

Opening it, he read:OMG Liz is engaged for realz!!!!!!

His stomach plunged to his toes. Even though he knew it was inevitable, the shock hit him like a wave. He stared at the words, watched them blur, felt his heart cramp.

“Joshua?” Ruth peered at him in concern. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes. I—” He could see three little dots where Lexa was typing again and stabbed at the button to switch off his phone before he could read more. The last thing he wanted was details. He felt sick, a horrible crushing grief taking hold of him. It was ridiculous; he knew they were together, he knew this could happen. And he was here starting a new life, for God’s sake. And yet he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t prepared. He couldn’t bear it.

The rest of the evening passed at a horrific snail’s pace, each moment stretching out forever. He went through the motions of eating, tried to seem normal, but inside he felt something shrivelaway. It was hope dying, he supposed, some vestigial dream that a miracle might bring Finn back to him.

But it was over now, forever. Finn was marrying Liz Howard and he wasn’t the kind of man to make that commitment lightly. No, Finn must truly love her.

Joshua felt alternately sick and so furious he could crawl out of his skin. If it hadn’t been for his father, for Michael, and their homophobic ideas of honor—if it hadn’t been for his own misguided loyalty to them eight years ago—then he and Finn might still be together.Theymight be the ones getting married. That thought hurt so much he had to excuse himself to the bathroom.

By the time he and Ruth eventually left, with Michael saying something about meeting again at a party in a couple of weeks, Joshua could barely keep control of himself. As soon as they hit the sidewalk, he pleaded the need for solitude and headed out into the city alone. He knew Ruth was worried, but there wasn’t enough left in him to care. It took everything to just keep walking.

He needed space to think, to try and come to terms with this final loss after years of hopeless dreaming. What he craved was the comfort of the ocean, a long walk on the beach, but he was out of luck. So he headed for the closest thing to it in Manhattan and found himself near Pier 81, thick with tourists even in January, and just stood there looking out over the river. The lights from the cruise ships and Weehawken glittered in the water and maybe it looked beautiful—there were plenty of people with their phones out taking photos—but all he could see was the darkness beyond the lights.

His own phone sat dead in his pocket and he pulled it out, staring at the blank screen. He couldn’t bring himself to switch it back on, to reply to Lexa or to read her other messages.Or Sean’s, he imagined. God help him if Finn had gotten his number.

The thought of a message—worse, a call—from Finn made his stomach churn.Hey, Josh, just wanted to let you know...

He swallowed the knot in his throat. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t take that call or read that message. Hewouldn’t. With shaking hands he tried to pry off the back of his phone, but the damn thing was sealed shut and he couldn’t get to the battery. “Fuck it,” he growled. “God damn and fuck it.” With a surge of fury and a sharp yell, he hauled back and threw his phone, watching it catch the light as it arced out over the river and disappeared beneath its dark water.

Gone forever. Like Finn.

It didn’t bring him any relief.

* * *

The next week blew in cold and gray, the clouds so low the tops of the buildings disappeared into a heavy mist that sent New Yorkers scurrying about their business with heads down.

Joshua found it suited his mood perfectly.

Meeting with Quinton was the last thing he wanted to do, but he made himself go anyway. What hewantedto do was stay in bed or pick out sad tunes on the piano, wallowing in his melancholy. But he wouldn’t allow it. He’d had enough of that.

So by midday he found himself eating an early lunch at a trendy restaurant with Quinton, who sat preening at their window table as if on display for the world to admire. Perhaps he was, perhaps that was what music people did; everyone who came into All Bar None seemed to know him, or want to know him, and he introduced Joshua to them all.

“Networking,” he said with a smile and stretched out his long legs so that his ankle brushed against Joshua’s beneath the table.It wasn’t an accidental touch. “So, Joshua, what do you think? Big city, bright lights—is it for you?”

No. It wasn’t. It had never been, but right then all Joshua cared about was doing something different. Something far from New Milton. Far from Finn. “I think I’ll enjoy it.”

“There’s a lot here to enjoy, if you’ll let yourself.” Quinton ran his gaze over him, lingering for a purposeful beat on Joshua’s mouth before lifting it back to his eyes. “I get the feeling you don’t find enjoying yourself very easy.”

“Maybe not, but”—God help him—“I’m open to learning.”

Quinton’s eyes gleamed as he reached across the table and ran a fingertip over Joshua’s wrist. He felt a hot spark of anticipation, something unexplored for too long. “Are you now? Well in that case—”

Someone rapped on the window, making Joshua jump. Sean Callaghan stared at them through the glass, a mixture of confusion and relief on his face. He was with a group of people, all in suits, who looked like they were waiting for him with limited patience.

Joshua’s stomach lurched as he pulled his hand away from Quinton and watched Sean say something to his colleagues before heading into the bar. “Crap.”

“Uh-oh.” Quinton sipped his coffee. “Your ex? I do hope he’s going to make a scene.”

Joshua shook his head, wiped sweaty hands on his jeans, and stood up as Sean made his way over to their table.Be normal,he told himself.Don’t give anything away.

“Joshua!” Sean went to give him a hug, but checked himself at the last moment and bounced on his toes instead. “Man, it’s good to see you. I—Howareyou?”

“I’m good.”Please don’t mention Finn. Please don’t mention Finn. “It’s good to see you too, Sean.”

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