Page 61 of Persuaded

“Then how come you’re in the closet?”

“I’m not.”

Josh spared him a look. “Come on...”

“I’m not! It’s just... Look, okay, I’m attracted to women too and it’s been easier to date them because—”

“Because you can hide your sexuality.”

“Because,” he said firmly, “they didn’t remind me of you. I thought I was over you, Josh, but I was so wrong—all I’ve done these past eight years is kid myself that you’re not the only person in the world I want.”

That kept Josh quiet for a moment, fingers flexing around the steering wheel. Eventually, in a more subdued voice, he said, “Not being closeted means telling people you’re bi. Doesanybodyknow?”

“Sean knows. And Tejana.”

“Sean knows?”

He squirmed. “For the last couple weeks.”

“Ah.” Silence. Josh changed lanes and pulled down the visor against the low winter sun, waiting for more.

Eventually, Finn folded. “Okay, you’re right. I didn’t tell Sean until after you left town. I knew then—” He fixed his eyes on the road ahead because it was easier than looking at Josh. “Look, that night when Liz got hurt? I couldn’t lie to myself after that, or to Sean or anyone. It was like everything got stripped away and I saw things how they really were: you, me, Liz... I’d been such a fucking ass to you, Josh, but you were still there for me that night. And the idea that I could ever be with Liz when there was a chance I could be with you...? I couldn’t do it.” He shook his head. “But, man, you must have hated me. Don’t lie, I know you did. I’d been a total dick.”

A pause, then, “You gave me gloves because you saw I had cold hands.”

Finn glanced at him. “They’re just things, man.”

“No.” Josh’s voice had a rough edge that made Finn’s heart stutter. “Younoticed, Finn. You noticed and that made me feel—” He cleared his throat. “It made me feel a lot.”

“Yeah?” He flexed his fingers and kept himself from putting a hand on Josh’s leg. Aside from not wanting to distract himfrom driving, he wasn’t sure whether he’d earned the right. “You didn’t say anything—about the gloves.”

“What could I say? I didn’t know what it meant. You were with Liz.”

“Because I’m a fucking idiot.” He blew out a breath. “Tell me the truth. If I’d called you—God, if I’d called you anytime over the last eight years—would you have wanted to try again?”

Josh flashed him an incredulous look. “What do you think?”

Fuck. He closed his eyes, leaned his head back against the seat, fisting his fingers by his side. “Shit, I’m such a moron.”

“I could have contacted you too. I—I tried to once, but you were so angry when you left...” He gave a heavy sigh. “Finn, if you knew how much I regretted what I did. Every single day I’ve regretted listening to Ruth, letting her talk me into it. I thought—I knew my father would never accept that I was gay, but I’d never have ended it if Ruth hadn’t convinced me it was for your own good. I was afraid of holding you back. And I know you don’t understand, but—”

“I do. I didn’t, not for a long time, but I get it now. We were both just kids, man. Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing.”

After a beat, Joshua said, “I think we got some things right.” He darted a shy smile toward Finn. “I think we got some things perfect.”

And, Jesus, that smile. His heart burned and melted all at once. “Yeah,” he said, struggling to keep his voice even. “Yeah, we did.” He had to clear his throat before he added, “I know what it looks like, that I only really dated women after you. But it’s not what you think. It wasn’t—I just didn’t want anything that reminded me of you. Sounds stupid, I guess.” Itwasstupid. All he’d done was brick up his memories behind a wall that Josh had started pulling down the moment Finn saw him in Dee’s coffee shop.

“It’s not stupid,” Josh said quietly. “I did the same. Except without the women.”

Finn felt a squirm of irrational jealousy and thought about Quinton Jones and his slimy limey face. “Just some casual hookups, huh?”

“No.” Josh grimaced. “The opposite.” He flushed, his sharp cheekbones turning pink. “I haven’t slept with anyone since you.”

“No one?” Staggered, he said, “But what about Quinton?”

“Quinton?”

“Dude, the guy was eye-fucking you live on stage.”

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