Page 29 of Warrior

His smile in the picture doesn’t change, but I swear I can hear his light chuckle echo in the room. Anything that made me uncomfortable, he used to find pleasure in doing. I don’t know why I loved him when he lived to push my buttons. It would be just like him to push Colt into my universe again. Colt. After ten years, my ex-boyfriend swept in and turned my life upside down while simultaneously rescuing me this time. I want to hate him more than I do.

When I left for college ten years ago, I was a mess. I made it to Alabama and spent the first semester wanting to come home. I skated by in my classes, not really finding any enjoyment in them. I was no closer to picking a major than I had been at the beginning of the summer and felt like I was sinking. The campus felt more like an ocean and less like the pond I was used to.I was drowning, not making many friends, only my roommate and another girl on my dorm floor, and I was holding on to a relationship I no longer had any control over. I remember feeling abandoned and minuscule.

It wasn’t until I met Jordan that I started living again. I owe everything to him. He picked me up and forced me to see what I was doing to myself. My roommate had tried to set us up on a double date. I made it about halfway through dinner when he called me out on my bullshit. I cried, and he told me I deserved better. I was continuing to let Colt have power over me. I was letting him continue to dictate what happened in my life and he had no idea. He was hundreds, thousands of miles away, and he had made it very clear how he felt about me and our relationship. They say tough love works wonders, but Jordan dealt out brutal love. Honesty. He brought me home after that failed date and we didn’t speak for months. Fortunately, we had the same group of friends in common and I saw him at parties and events. I took his barbs and jokes about how pathetic I was over a guy and forced myself to start living my life again for me.

Did that mean I wasn’t affected by Colt? Hell no. I just managed to take my control back. I paid attention in class. I found I loved psychology the most but wanted to minor in criminology. I was intrigued by forensic interviewing, personality and human behavior. I joined a coed volleyball team where Jordan also played, and he started to realize I was fixing myself. His cold attitude had managed to light a fire in me. I became a member of the psych club and organized a thriller, serial killer movie and documentary night every Wednesday. That was the first time Jordan asked me on a date again, and I turned him down. I turned him down several times.

I spent more time with my roommate and the other girls, piecing myself together. My style changed. My hair went through an almost blonde phase to pitch-black. I grew it outthen I chopped it off. I got a tattoo. I challenged myself to be comfortable single and gave myself time to grieve a relationship, not only my first boyfriend but also someone I had been friends with for half my life. Colt had made promises to me and I was letting go of a future that was no longer possible. I went on random dates and a few ended in heated kisses but nothing else. I wasn’t ready for that part of a new relationship yet, and I had never been a casual girl. Camryn called me from her college, frequently, and praised me for trying. It never felt enough though.

I went home that summer after freshman year and that was when all hell broke loose. I decided to pick up extra shifts at the floral shop I had worked at in high school as well as pulling three evening shifts a week at Roadside waiting tables. I made bank that summer and it was worth it. I also gained the experience to put on future applications for serving and bartending when I went back to Alabama. Much to my parents’ dismay, I did grow to like being at school and had no intention of moving back home. After one of my shifts, I joined Camryn on the patio. She and Tim were both home for the summer too, when I noticed a girl with blonde hair at the bar who kept looking over at me. After the fifth time, she walked over and asked to sit at the empty seat at our table.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” she asked, timidly, biting the edge of her fingernail.

“I’m sorry,” I told her, shaking my head slightly. She was familiar, but I couldn’t place her.

“I was at the party last summer.” Her head bowed down. “I was invited by Colt.”

Everything clicked into place when she said his name, and the soul-crushing memories flew back to me. “What do you want?”

“Look, I just wanted to clear something up.” She talked fast, clearly nervous. “I didn’t sleep with him.”

“What did you say?” I scoff, clearly she thought I must be stupid. “I saw you come out of his room, naked except for a T-shirt.”

“You did.” She nodded, flushing. “We didn’t sleep together, though. We never even kissed. I puked on my shirt and Colt let me borrow his. I passed out, and he and one of my friends watched me all night to make sure I didn’t choke and die. I was so embarrassed—that’s why I flew to the bathroom the next morning when I heard people. Steph, my friend, was still in the room when I walked out. I didn’t think he was going to lie like that. I wanted you to know because yes, I thought he was hot, but I wouldn’t have ever done anything knowing he had a girlfriend.”

Her words and the way she kept staring into my eyes, I couldn’t not believe her. It didn’t make sense though. Why would Colt lie? Needless to say, I got drunk. I somehow made it to our spot under that maple tree. I stared at our initials carved into the bark, framed by the heart. My own heart broke all over again. I had so many questions without answers, and knew I’d never get them. I’m not sure how many times I went there after that, but I know it wasn’t healthy. I could hear Jordan’s voice in my mind telling me I was being pathetic and giving Colt back all my power. That hurt slowly simmered to anger, a soul-crushing anger that spilled over in the most destructive way. Before I left home after that summer, I grabbed my dad’s axe. I had only meant to chip off the part where our initials were, but I ended up toppling half the tree over. I kept swinging that axe until my arms shook, until a numbness seeped into my bones. I apologized to the town council and the fire department, even though, deep down, it gave me a sense of satisfaction to see that tree gone. I haven’t been back since then, except for holidays.

The rest of college changed even more after that. I became a newer version of myself. My hair grew, the color went back to natural, and I stopped trying so hard to be happy and just was. One night after a long shift at Tidal Wave, a college bar, Jordan walked me back to the house I rented with some of my girls and asked me out again. It was two years after our first disastrous date. That time I said yes.

A soft smile tugs at my lips whenever I think about that time. I’m just happy that I can smile now and that all the pain that girl went through, she’s become a stronger woman today because of it. And once again, it is time to prove it.

Jumping out of Colt’s bed, I quickly make it up and get dressed in a pair of leggings and a concert T-shirt that I had stashed in my bag. I throw my hair up in a messy bun and quickly brush my teeth before sliding on my shoes and stepping foot back into the clubhouse.

It's even more quiet here now since it's barely before noon. The bar is still closed and I exhale knowing I don’t have to face Ari today. I thought we got along when I helped her family previously, but she was a teenager back then. She didn’t know how to deal with what was happening and often was angry at her parents as a defense mechanism. I offered to talk with her more about the situation back then, at her parents’ encouragement, but I didn’t push her.

It could have been my imagination and my mood after the events last night, but I got the feeling she wasn’t happy that Colt and Zane seemed to have paid extra attention to me.

“Hey, Doc,” a woman’s voice calls, and I glance up to see Winnie, one of the club girls.

“Hi, Win.” I wave at her and head in her direction.

“How have you been, Doc?” She looks me over before giving me a hug.

A chuckle escapes from me just thinking about the past twenty-four hours. “I’ve had better years. How about you?”

Her slim shoulders shrug, but it's the way her smile seems forced that gets to me. “I’ve been fine. Still here. Still waiting on Dodge to decide what he wants to do.”

My smile slips a little. When I was here four years ago, Winnie was waiting on one of the members, Dodger, to make her his officially, in the club’s traditional way. They were nineteen when he became a patched member and he convinced her to come with him. Now he’s been dragging his feet for five years to put a ring on her finger and his ink on her skin.

“I’m sure he’s scared shitless to lose a woman like you. He’s probably still saving for the perfect ring.” My voice is light, but I see the way she deflates in front of me.

“You’re probably right.”

I nod, even though I don’t feel like I'm right. I can see this woman's joy and light burning out. It would be one thing if Dodger hadn’t promised her, but it's cruel to lead her on so he can keep partaking in club activities. Winnie would never admit to it. “You know if you ever get tired of this life, you can always call me.”

Her head snaps up and our eyes meet. I swear she’s about to take me up on my offer when another female voice joins us.

“Jeezus, Doc, you don’t need to psychoanalyze everyone before the morning’s over, do ya?”

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