Page 29 of Replay
We both laugh and the mood lightens. I spend the next half an hour telling Isla about the outcome and much like mybest friends, she’s supportive of my choices. In return I make a mental promise to myself to invite Isla out more. The girl is funny, she’s intuitive, and she guards the people she cares about fiercely. Carter is an idiot and I hope he pulls his head out of his ass someday.
“I liked this,” I tell her, gesturing to our drinks and the space.
“Me too. I’m sorry again that you were blindsided, Emma.” She touches my hand gently then pulls back. “But I am happy it seems to be all working out.”
“It will,” I reassure her. “You owe me though. Next girls’ night, Isla, you are not getting out of going out with us.”
She blushes and nods her head. “I’d like that.”
“Me too.” We stand and I pull her in for a hug that she was not expecting and I swear I like her even more for it. Sam is going to have a field day with this girl.
We leave the shop and I take a deep breath before opening my text messages.
JAX: I’m sorry for the radio silence. I just needed time to think. Can we meet up? I really want to talk.
ME: How about now?
The little dots appear and disappear quickly. I know I put him on the spot; he probably was thinking he had a day or two to be prepared. Too bad for him, I can’t wait anymore. I want to go to bed tonight without these loose ends hanging over me. Without feeling like I’m in limbo and feeling the sole brunt of the effects from his drama. I get that Jax needed time, but he never once considered how this was affecting me too.
JAX: At our spot?
ME: Be there in ten.
I slide my phone in my pocket and walk quickly. Our spot isn’t even really ours; it's where Jax congregates with his teammates and where we sometimes sit when we study or kill time before class. It's the bench near the very large pine tree on campus. Funny how I never noticed this before or thought about it this way, but it feels less personal to us now. I arrive before him, taking a seat, and my phone vibrates again.
My chilled fingers take my phone out, expecting it to be a reply from Jax, only this time it's Hawke’s name on the screen.
HAWKE: Tomorrow night?
I’m about to reply when I hear footsteps getting closer. My head lifts and my gaze clashes with Jax. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t the twisted, haunted look that is currently on Jax’s face. He looks pale and his usual glint in his dark eyes is gone. I stand when he’s in front of me, suddenly feeling unsure about myself, hating that our usual comfort is gone. What I do not expect is when his arms wrap around me, pulling my body into his, I can feel his chest shudder at the contact and tears spring to my eyes. I may not have been in love with Jax, but I did appreciate his warmth, our banter, how steady he was. Maybe our mistake was letting things become romantic between us when we would have been better off as friends. Instead of trying to hold onto the notion of being a couple before he left Miami, it should have been the wakeup call for both of us that we weren’t meant to be more.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers against the skin on my neck and I squeeze him tighter.
“I’m sorry too.”
Jax pulls back and runs his thumbs under my eyes, taking my tears away. His usual smiling lips are tight. “I shouldn’t have left, Emma,” he breathes, his voice a mixture of desperation and hurt. “I should have talked to you then and not let so much time go by.”
“So why did you?” I ask, taking a step back out of his embrace. My eyes watch his throat bob up and down with emotion. Jax rarely let me see him as anything else other than controlled, fun, a guy just hanging out living the college experience.
“I knew I was wrong. I knew you wouldn’t forgive me.”
Well, he isn’t completely wrong in that assumption. “Jax?—”
“Please just wait. Wait. I’m sorry. I miss you. I know I was wrong back then and now after the party. I’m willing to do anything to get you back, just wait, before you choose him,” he begs, the intensity in his gaze making my stomach twist.
I bite down on my lip, my hand resting on his arm lightly, “Jax, I didn’t?—”
“Emma, wait. I know I fucked up in the beginning. I was hurt that you didn’t want to label our relationship yet and I was mad so I acted out. That night meant nothing to me and once I realized what I did, I left the hotel and tried to come back sooner. I was going to tell you, but then you decided to try with me and I couldn’t because I just wanted you. I’ve never done anything like that since then. It was a mistake. My ego got the best of me, and I made a mistake.”
“Jax.” I shake my head, trying to find the right words to say, feeling the pain of his confession and even some understanding. “I was a mess when you left too. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just commit to a relationship between us and when you came back, I forced myself to jump out of my comfort zone. You have to know though, that if you had told me, there’s noguarantee we would have stayed together. You broke my trust, what little foundation we had, all because I was scared.”
“You’re scared because of him, right? No one else will ever be good enough?” Jax’s voice rises, his tone laced with accusation.
“That's not fair,” I reply, flicking away the tears under my eyes. “Yes, my heart was broken because of Hawke, I won’t deny it. But you never gave me the safe space to work through it or show me that it was okay to be broken. You wanted me, right then, as your girlfriend without even knowing my past.”
“I’ll be better this time,” he tries again, his hands reaching for mine. “I can be the person you need this time. We can go slow; we can build back what I broke. You just can’t see him anymore.”
Bitterness twists in my heart at his words, and I drop his hands. “What?”
