Page 236 of Something Rad
There is so much to that question. So much more to clarify in what he means bymore.
What ismore?For how long?Where wouldmoreeven take place, depending on my currently very uncertain future and his future that he never even wants to talk about?
There is so much I could say, so much I could ask him, so many possible caveats I could choose to point out. But instead, I let out a gentle sigh, choosing to answer the question for simply what it is.
“More than I care to admit,” I say, echoing the same words I’ve heard his voice say in my mind over and over since holiday break.
Robbie reaches up, and I don’t know why, but my body automatically stiffens against his touch. I’d like to think that it’s my brain protecting my heart, but it’s becoming frustrating. I’m trying to just be here. Trying to give myself a chance to be reckless and not think about the consequences of my actions for once. To just give in to what I want. But I know that’s not going to be something that comes naturally to me.
Robbie lets his hand drop and he looks down, watching his fingers flexing at his side. He shakes his head, blowing out a shaky breath.
“You want to know what my favorite thing you’ve ever said to me was, Cooper?” he asks, looking up at me through the chestnut strands of hair that have perfectly fallen and swooped down across his line of sight.
I hug my knees tighter to my chest. “What?”
“It was just last week. You know, I don’t have the writer brain or diary like you do–”
“Not a diary–”
“It was…” Robbie cuts me off, tilting his head up and smirking. “It was when you told me…that everything is about me. That I’m everywhere and in everything.”
I can feel the heat rush straight to my cheeks at the reminder of what I said to Robbie when I was in a more than compromised state last week. “You know,” I let out an uncomfortable chuckle, playing with my hair so that it somewhat covers my surely very red cheeks, “I really figured we’d follow the Vegas rule with that.” Robbie brows raise and I clarify. “What happens in the shower stays in the shower.”
“Is that really what you want?” Robbie asks, his voice much more serious than I expected.
My grin slowly fades from my face. “Um…well…I…” I stammer.
“Cooper…”
I look up at him, meeting his piercing gaze. I can see the tight flex of his jaw and glance down to find his fingers still grasping at nothing for purchase. It’s so automatic when I reach down and lace my fingers through his own.
The moment I do, Robbie stiffens, and then, he slowly raises our joined hands up to his face, shifting them from side to side as if examining them, trying to determine if they’re real. He blows a long breath out through his nose, his eyes squeezing shut for a moment before opening them again and meeting mine.
“Cooper,” he starts, his voice strained, “the reason that’s my favorite thing you’ve ever said to me is because…it was exactly what I had been feeling for so long. It’s like you yanked the painful ache from my chest and somehow put it into words. You said to me what I didn’t know how to say to you at the time. But now…” He tilts his head, pursing his lips. “I think I’d like to give it another try.”
I swallow against the tightness in my throat, giving him a nod. “Okay,” I breathe.
Robbie takes a deep breath before beginning, shaking his head with a ‘here goes nothing’ sort of flourish. “When this whole thing started between us, Cooper… I couldn’t stand you. You drove me up a goddamn wall.”
I bark out a laugh, completely caught off guard, but I let him continue.
“I’ve always felt on top of the world at Bay View. Nobody’s ever questioned me, ever challenged me. But then, all of the sudden, I got detention. And here comes this little redheaded nightmare in Keds that’s not even willing to pretend to put up with any of my shit.”
I press my thumb hard against the soft spot between Robbie’s thumb and pointer finger, making him jolt slightly.
“I think…” he carries on with a pointed look at me, “that before we crossed paths this year… I thought I was the only person around that was truly living. I thought I was taking in every ounce of life and savoring it where others were just letting it pass them by. I used to think kids our age that actually cared about school and were more focused on what was to come after high school rather than simply enjoying high school were idiots. It didn’t make sense to me. What’s the point in having dreams when you could belivingthe dream? Making the most out of each day as it comes? But I think… I think I may have had it all wrong. I think I was the zombie I liked to imagine everyone else but me was all along.”
Robbie lets out a sigh, meeting my gaze that hasn't left his face since he started talking.
“You know, you were right before,” he says, “all those months ago when you went off on me in your bedroom right before I convinced you to date me.” He smirks, and I refrain from correcting him that it wasfakedating. “When you told me that I was hiding behind an act. That it was easier than having to actually try. That keeping people at an arm's length prevented them from being disappointed in the real me.”
“Robbie, I…”
“Please, Cooper, just let me finish. I’m kinda on a roll here.”
I snap my mouth closed.
“But, it’s funny,” he continues. “The whole point of us dating…the whole…point of our arrangement, was to make you more like me. To make you someone I thought would be thought of as fun and considered cool enough by the whole school. As if…there was anything wrong with you in the first place.”
