Page 85 of Take a Moment

‘Hey.’ He mirrors me in his reply but stays where he is.

‘Sorry, my call took longer than I expected.’

‘That’s why I came out.’

‘Right.’

‘Is everything OK, Alex? I wasn’t eavesdropping. I only came out when you hung up but from your reaction, I can tell it wasn’t good news.’

Relief floods through me. He didn’t overhear. This isn’t going to be the conversation I dreaded it might be. But two things are now very clear: he knows something’s up; and he does not deserve anything other than the truth. But not right now. This is not the time or the place.

‘I, erm… Matt, there is something I need to talk to you about…’

‘There’s a statement every bloke is keen to hear,’ he quips. ‘It’s you, not me, right?’

I remain rooted to the spot. ‘It’s nothing like that. There’s… a couple of things you should know, before this goes any further. But would you mind if we had this chat tomorrow? It’s been an exhausting – but obviously amazing – evening and I feel like we should be with our friends right now.’

He seems to consider this. ‘Of course. If that’s what you want. Whatever it is though, Alex, I doubt it will change anything for me. You could announce you’re an international assassin with alien ancestry and a third leg and I’d still be completely into you.’

I try to smile at his attempt at reassurance. ‘Right. Well, that’s good to know. Though I’d say the extra leg discovery is unlikely, given our recent slumber parties.’

‘That is true.’

A fleeting memory of our first night together in my apartment passes through my mind, sending my hormones into a spin. They’re then put firmly back in check as I also remember Matt’s previous comment about the kind of future he’s looking for: an equally active wife, two-point four children and two dogs – living the outdoor lifestyle, climbing lots of hills together. A future I can never give him. His comment about whatever I have to say not changing anything, while amusing and gallant, will quickly lose its significance once the enormity of what I have to share with him sinks in. As this realisation dawns, a swell of premature loss creeps up on me. I have to fight against the raw emotion so he doesn’t pick up on it.

‘Let’s get back to the others then,’ says Matt. ‘Whatever this is, we’ll tackle it tomorrow, yeah?’

He extends his hand, encouraging me to join him. It’s as if the glue that’s been rooting me to the spot comes unstuck. I dive into his arms, pulling him into me as tightly as I can, all too aware that it may be one of the last times I get to hold him in this way.

‘Hey.’ He soothes me, then lifts my chin and kisses me softly. ‘I don’t know where you’re at, but I want you to know I’m falling for you – hard.’

Though I feel exactly the same way, I stay quiet, too scared to expose myself in this way when there’s still too much to be revealed. Tomorrow I’ll be telling Matt I have a lifelong degenerative disease that means I can never be part of the future he’s so passionate about; as well as admitting to the fact I’ve been torn between him and my ex. Cue another ‘lucky escape’. It almost seems inevitable.

‘What have you two been up to?’ Sammy gives Matt a boisterous wink as we enter the VIP area of the bar, hand in hand.

‘That would be telling, mate.’ Matt gives him a friendly jab in the arm. ‘Gin and tonic, Alex?’

‘Yes please.’ I could certainly do with one after this rollercoaster of a night.

As Matt heads to the bar, I pretend to laugh along with the banter, while my mind is in turmoil over my conversation with Dom. It was never going to be easy. But the way he ended the call shocked me. His friends thought he’d had a lucky escape? I’ve hung out with them many times, considered them friends of mine too. How could they be so cruel? And why did Dom feel the need to share that? Was he just letting his emotions overwhelm him like before or was he trying to hurt me like I was hurting him? Whatever the reason, it further confirms that I’ve made the right decision.

I do still love Dom, but not in the way I used to. I’ve caught myself too many times thinking of him as a security blanket, the guy who’ll give me everything and accept my situation – if Matt doesn’t. That’s not right or fair. I can forgive Dom his outburst, he’s confused and he’s hurting. But I couldn’t forgive myself if I used him as my fallback position. If Matt walks once I’ve shared everything with him (which I fully expect him to), then I go on alone. I focus on all the good stuff, and if the right man eventually comes along, that’s a bonus.

‘You OK?’ Sasha extricates herself from her flirting with Sammy and lowers her voice as she sits down next to me. ‘Want to go to the toilets for a chat?’

‘Nah, I’m fine.’

‘You sure?’

‘I’m sure.’ I swallow thickly, then, keeping my voice low, I quickly fill Sasha in on what’s happened.

‘Oh, Lex. I’m sorry,’ says Sasha once I’m done. ‘But you’ve done the right thing. You’redoingthe right thing. It’ll all work out, I promise.’

‘You can’t promise that, Sash.’

‘No, I can’t. But I get a really good feeling from Matt.’

‘I do too. I’m totally falling for him. But no matter how great a person he is, he may not want to take things any further – and that’s absolutely his prerogative.’

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