Page 94 of Take a Moment

I’m afraid I can’t do tonight. Think this is all moving too fast and I’m just not ready for it. I’m so sorry, Matt. Please tell Sammy I’m sorry but the band is all too much for me too. xx

I put my phone down beside me face down and close my eyes in a bid to stop the relentless tears. After a few minutes it buzzes, signalling his response. I almost can’t bear to read it, but I’m unable to help myself.

If that’s what you want. Comes as a bit of a shock but I have to respect your decision. Shame because I saw such an amazing future for us. x

‘I know. But it wasn’t real,’ I whisper through my tears.

I’m suddenly overcome with grief for everything I lost when I found out I was ill – and everything I’ve just lost all over again.

Chapter 32

By early evening, I’ve been moved to the neurology ward. Due to staff shortages, my MRI scan and visit from the consultant have been delayed until the next day. It’s a dismal environment: a large shared room that smells of disinfectant, with some very poorly inhabitants (myself included, unfortunately). A repetitive frustrated cry accompanied by loud banging floats along the corridor from one of the other ward rooms: clearly a very distressed patient. As I learned from my first stint in this type of ward, neurological disease is one of the cruellest forms of illness.

I’m surveying my rubbery cheese and tomato omelette disdainfully when Emmanuel walks through the door. I place the heat cover back on my untouched meal and push the tray table as far away as my weak, fatigued body will allow me to.

‘Hi, Alex.’ She greets me warmly, her face full of sympathy. ‘How are you doing now?’

‘Basically the same,’ I grimace, trying to control the wobble in my voice.

‘Have you been seen by a consultant yet?’

‘No.Tomorrow afternoon, they said. After I’ve had my scan in the morning.’

‘I see. Well, please let me know how that goes.’

‘I will. How was your day? Once you actually got there.’

Emmanuel sits on one of the chairs beside my bed.

‘Alex, please don’t feel guilty or embarrassed about this morning. A big part of my job is to look after the wellbeing of my team members. You’ll learn more about that – and how important it is – on your programme.’

‘I won’t really though, will I?’

These words are the final nail for me. The emotion I’ve been trying so hard to suppress spills over in a huge sob, quickly followed by another and another.

‘Hey. Come now.’ Emmanuel grabs some tissues from the box on my bedside cabinet and hands them to me. ‘What’s on your mind? You’ve only been ill for one day and you don’t have all the information yet.’

‘I’ve been here before, Emmanuel. It took me two months to get back on my feet then and this feels much worse. Last time, I could at least get out of bed, make it to the toilet myself – it was exhausting, but I could do it. Look at me now. I’m using a bedpan because I can’t even do that.’

Relentless tears pour down my cheeks at the injustice of it all.

‘I know, Alex. I can see you’re really not well. All I’m saying is that we don’t have all the answers yet so let’s not fill in the blanks ourselves.’

I stare ahead of me miserably. ‘Emmanuel, whatever this is, it’s been a wake-up call for me. I’ve taken on too much. Tried to pretend that nothing’s wrong and I’ve been kidding myself.’

‘You’ve had a positive and pragmatic approach to managing your illness, Alex. Making the most of opportunities that have come to you. I don’t consider that to be “kidding yourself”. Your application through New Horizons was a move that was well thought through and you’ve been keeping an active lifestyle, which is important for a person with chronic illness. What’s the alternative? You lock yourself away from the world?’

‘I don’t know. But I’ve pushed myself so hard. I’m ambitious and I knew if I couldn’t fulfil that urge, it would make me unhappy.’

‘Which proves once again that you’ve thought all this through.’

‘Yes, but why couldn’t I be happy just having a good job? Why did I need the leadership programme? And the band? What if adding all of that has caused this? The gig was on Saturday and now look at me. I just need to accept that I can’t do everything I want to do.’

Emmanuel takes my hand in hers, which could feel weird with her being my boss, but surprisingly it doesn’t.

‘Alex, please listen to me. You’re panicking and you’re jumping to conclusions. You told me just yesterday, after the team event, that the singing was really good for you because it made you so happy and it gave you energy. You felt “almost unstoppable”, you said. You were also pleased with how the group task and your presentation to the CEO went – despite the fact you were obviously under par, as I now realise – and you had to deal with Danielle being so difficult. All these things were positives until this happened.’

I know she’s right. I’ve U-turned dramatically since things went south this morning; but I have good reason. There will be no place for me in the band or on the leadership programme if I can’t be there to take part. Someone else should have the opportunity. Someone more reliable.

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