Page 59 of Just Like That

‘I can tell.’ I give an earnest nod to show I’m being genuine. ‘You don’t need to worry. What happened, Nick? What did she do that broke you so badly?’

‘She cheated.’

‘Oh.’ I almost roll my eyes at the sad predictability of this. ‘Not very original, but enough to break a person’s spirit. Did you know the guy? How long was it going on?’

‘It wasn’t an affair. She was on multiple dating apps and she was using them for hook-ups. She basically cheated on me with about thirty different guys – and that’s just an estimate, because she had no idea of the true number.’

‘You’re kidding.’ I’m so shocked, I drop my fork and it clatters on my plate, attracting more unwanted attention from our fellow diners. ‘How could she… why would she… I don’t even have any words.’

‘That was pretty much my reaction when I found out.’ He chuckles gravely. ‘I should have seen the signs. She was elusive and secretive with her phone, but I loved her so much at the time, I just didn’t want to see it.’

‘Nick, oh my gosh, that’s unbelievable. She didn’t just stamp on your heart, she… put you at risk.’

‘I know.’ He looks very uncomfortable all of a sudden. ‘And in case you’re wondering – because you have every right to – I’ve had all the tests done. Immediately and then repeated after a period of time. I’m clean.’

My faith in humanity sags a little as I see him looking so ashamed when he did nothing wrong.

‘That wasn’t what was on my mind, Nick. But thank you for being so up front about it. What was in my head is how she could be so devoid of a conscience. If she wanted to have that freedom, she should have left you first and allowed you to find your own way. Such selfish behaviour.’

‘Yes, she should.’

He hangs his head and I can see that this is still painful for him, probably now for reasons of pride and self-esteem rather than having lost the love of his live. He couldn’t really love someone he clearly didn’t know.

I rush to change the subject. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to open old wounds and perhaps I should have waited a bit longer to ask.’

‘Not at all. I’m glad it’s out in the open now. Since that shitshow, I’ve sworn to myself that I won’t get involved in anything complicated. No baggage, thank you very much, I want a simple life from now on.’

On hearing this, I try to ignore the uncomfortable swirling that kicks off in my gut. With my situation, I’m a far cry from what Nick has communicated he wants. Unwilling to face this unpleasant thought, I banish it to the back of my mind.

‘I had actually sworn off women and pledged myself to protecting animals and conservation until you burrowed your way into my head,’ he continues.

‘Lovely image.’ I wrinkle my nose at this description. ‘You make me sound like a tapeworm.’

‘Not intentionally.’ He finally pops the piece of pasta in his mouth and chews reflectively. ‘So, tell me a bit more about you. Have you had your heart smashed into oblivion? And what about family, friends… who’s in your life, Jess?’

‘Ooh, that’s a lot to unpack. Let’s start with the relationship stuff. I’ve never reached oblivion, but I’ve had a couple of what you might call longer-term relationships that just fizzled out. I was hurt, probably more from feeling like I wasn’t that desirable to them, but thankfully, there were no dramatics involved. Not great matches, I suppose. Guess I’ve never met someone who really sets me alight.’

Locking eyes with Nick, I realise I’m lying. I hadn’t met anyone like that – until now. The chemistry crackles between us, our unsaid thoughts and feelings swirling around us like fireflies in a night sky. It feels clear to me that we’re both in the same place: we’re aware that something very special is growing between us, but at the same time we don’t want to jump in too fast and risk ruining everything.

He seems to sense my muddled thoughts and gestures for me to continue.

‘Um, sorry.’ I clear my throat. ‘And family-wise, it’s just me and my brother here in Edinburgh. My parents live abroad.’

I tell him a bit about how I went to uni and became an adopted member of Seth’s friendship group when I returned, my childhood friends having moved on to other places.

‘It’s good that you get on so well with your brother,’ says Nick, after I’ve explained all this. ‘I’m an only child, and I was always envious of people with brothers and sisters. Felt I missed out. But I’ve come across a few toxic sibling relationships through friends and acquaintances, so I’ve realised it’s not always the dream scenario I imagine it to be.’

‘Oh, for sure. I consider myself really lucky that Seth and I are so close, which is why I was so—’

Alarm bells suddenly clang in my head, bringing me to a halt. I was about to casually mention Seth’s stroke and everything we’ve been through in recent months. The level of ease with which Nick and I seem to connect – particularly given what he’s shared about his ex-wife – makes me feel like I could open up to him about it. However, it’s not a story of war wounds from the past, it’s very much my here and now, and it’s both ‘complicated’ and ‘baggage’. Not that I see Seth as baggage obviously, more that I have responsibilities that have me heavier laden than a cart horse, and they won’t mix well with a fresh and frisky, tearing-each-other’s-clothes-off-at-every-opportunity early-stage relationship. It’s something that rules my whole world right now. Something emotional and very complicated – exactly what Nick has just indicated he doesn’t want or need in his life. And I can absolutely understand that after all he’s been through.

I don’t want to risk this amazing evening together by lumbering him with the revelation that I’m a carer for my brother, who might or might not regain his independence. Because it means I probably can’t have the kind of relationship Nick’s looking for – not right now, or perhaps ever. I don’t even want to think about it, because the potential ramifications are too much for my wearied brain to take.

‘Jess, where have you gone?’ Nick reaches across and gives my hand a gentle squeeze.

His wonderful touch brings me back to the here and now. ‘Oh, sorry.’

‘You seem to do that a lot. Is everything OK?’

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