Page 84 of Just Like That

Over an hour later, I emerge from Gwen’s office with red eyes and a blotchy face. Keeping my head down to avoid making eye contact with anyone, I leave the office and head across the courtyard.

‘Jess, wait.’

Lauren has followed me outside. She catches up with me and places a sympathetic hand on my arm.

‘Are you all right? My mum hasn’t upset you, has she? It wouldn’t be like her to be unforgiving.’

‘It’s not like her at all.’ I smile weakly through my glassy eyes, thinking back to Gwen’s earlier questions. ‘I’ve just got some stuff I’m working through. I’m OK, honestly.’

‘Well, I’m here if you ever need anything. We all are.’

‘I know that. Thank you. You’re an amazing bunch.’

I give her another flimsy smile, then scuttle across to the ladies toilets block to tidy myself up before anyone else sees me.

Once I’ve applied enough concealer to hide the redness and reapplied my eye makeup, I go looking for Nick, keen to get this hell over with. Gwen didn’t judge me at all, but she did suggest that, once I’d spoken to Nick, I go back to my office to let things settle. With the events planning and management being well progressed, I’m not needed on-site as much anymore anyway. Gwen also swore that she wouldn’t share a word of what I told her – which didn’t include the fact I’d cheated on Nick, that would have been a step too far.

I look around for several minutes, making a pit stop at Rana’s enclosure.

‘Hey, girl.’ I settle down on the bench momentarily, watching the bear cub climb a tree trunk then tumble ineloquently onto the man-made ledge at the highest point in her enclosure. ‘Gosh, you’re getting good at that. You’ll be a pro in no time.’

Rana sniffs at the air, as if acknowledging my presence, then resumes her adventure, making me laugh in adoration as she snuffles and pokes her long tongue into the crevices along the ledge.

‘Ah, you know how to cheer me up, little bear. Maybe I’ll swing by again later. Think I might need you after what I’m about to do.’

Feeling slightly less suffocated by my impending task, I call Nick to find out where he is and join him by the big cat enclosures. He and his team are doing routine checks to make sure there are no weaknesses that could potentially allow one of the magnificent, but highly dangerous, animals to escape.

‘Hi, gorgeous. Am I pleased to see you.’ He greets me with a heart stopping grin.

This fills me with sadness and an almost irresistible urge to melt into his arms instead of breaking his heart.

‘Hi.’ I turn my cheek into his kiss and he falters, clearly picking up on this. ‘Is there somewhere we can talk?’

‘Yeah, sure.’ He looks perplexed. ‘These guys are all over this. Is everything OK?’

‘Let’s just find somewhere quiet.’

We make our way across to the building where Nick had first introduced me to Rana and grab a couple of chairs once we’re inside.

‘So, what’s going on?’ he asks. ‘Why do I get the feeling that I’m about to be dumped?’

I wince for the second time this morning, his use of language making it sound so callous.

‘Iamabout to be dumped.’ Nick’s expression turns to one of disbelief.

Although he’d sensed something wasn’t right, he was obviously hoping he was wrong.

‘Please don’t use that word.’ I’m barely able to look at him.

‘What word would you prefer?’

‘I don’t know. None, I guess. Nick… I… can’t do this. You and me, it’s not going to work.’

‘I get that.’ His mood is creeping into something darker. ‘Any chance you’re going to give me a reason? A proper one, I mean?’

He deserves the truth, I know this, but it’s all too much. I can’t face the look of bewilderment and hurt that would inevitably follow when he realises I’ve hidden who I really am; that I’m just another person in his life who’s let him down. Nor could I face the raw (and justified) anger that would come from him knowing I’d slept with someone else – and so carelessly, on a drunken night out. Best case: if I were to share my situation with Seth, and Nick happened to be understanding of this, it doesn’t change the fact that I cheated on him. He would never forgive that, so why go through the pain – for both of us – of explaining any of it?

Unable to give him a real reason, my brain automatically leaps to the one thing I know I shouldn’t do or say.

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