Page 64 of His Ruined Duchess

As the sounds of the garden pressed down on him, Hugh found himself desperate to ask a question he’d been holding onto since he’d met Selina that first time and still went without an answer. He stared out at the fountain, taking a breath to steady himself.

“Why did you never remarry?” Hugh slid his gaze over toward Selina as she watched the water falling into the basin. “I find it hard to believe that you were never met with offers.”

Selina chuckled lightly, still looking at the fountain. “I was. You’re right about that, but I did not want to. I wished to remain a widow.”

She answered so readily this time, and Hugh was taken aback. Selina had not wanted to remarry all this time, and undoubtedly, that was why her frustration with his edict to remarry was met with such disdain. She hadplannedon remaining unwed, likely for the rest of her life.

“Apologies, but…” Hugh waited a moment as Selina looked over at him, her expression one of casual amusement. “…why?”

Letting out a heavy sigh, Selina’s countenance filled with nostalgia and memory, her eyes shifting to focus on the middle distance between them.

“I have been raised my entire life to be perfect, to be the best possible lady I could be. In nearly every interaction I’ve had with men, and several women as well, that was all I was. A perfect lady. Meant for marriage and nothing more. Not an individual in my own right. Easton even had trouble in the beginning.”

Selina shrugged to herself, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile even as her distant gaze remained serious, almost… sorrowful.

“Eventually, he saw me for so much more, but that had to be a rare case, indeed. How could I assume that another match might see me for me? And if not, how could I think that I might find love in a different arrangement? It felt safer and more suitable toremain alone. At least then I had the freedom to do as I pleased with my days. In fact, being a widow was remarkably freeing in a way I had never experienced before. I didn’t want to give that up. I still don’t.”

Hugh had to admit that he’d never given it much thought until now; a curiosity lay within him, but it was passing in most cases. Hearing Selina speak filled him with an understanding that he would never have gained otherwise had she not been so forthcoming. Women in today’s high society were expected to perform various duties, and the roles they played were predetermined from birth. It was strange but understandable that being a widow had been the best place for Selina in the grand scheme of things.

“I see.” A chuckle escaped Hugh, and he smiled when Selina glanced over at him.

“What is so funny?” She narrowed her eyes on him.

“It is just…” Hugh rolled his teeth between his lips, considering his words. “… I understand what you are saying, and perhaps… well, perhaps that is why being with me has been alluring to you. You have never once beenperfectwith me.”

Chuckling through a mock gasp of outrage, Selina put a hand to her chest before knocking him in the shoulder with hers. The joint of sensation through him was enough to get Hugh stilling, his thoughts darkening as he registered Selina’s proximity all the more. She wassoclose, and as their eyes met, the air shifted, becoming charged and tense.

“I believe you are right.” Selina bobbed her head gently, having difficulty looking him in the eyes now. “I believe the ability to be myself around you has certainly made staying away a challenge. Though there ismorethat keeps me from pushing you from my mind.”

“Selina,” Hugh warned, his stare jerking away from hers as he tried to put distance between them.

But her fingers caught his chin, pulling Hugh’s face toward hers and forcing him to look into her deep brown eyes. Something in her stare pleaded with him, and Hugh felt himself crack down the middle, a giant fissure snaking its way through the plane of his being. On either side were left the opposing factions of desire and decorum.

“Please,” Selina’s brows knitted together as she stared at him, “I just have to know. We have said so little to each other about the truth of what’s between us, and even if I can do nothing about it, I have to know.”

Closing her eyes briefly, Selina sucked in a deep breath that visually rocked her entire body and then made herself look Hugh in the eyes again.

“Do you want me?” She squeezed his hand which he’d forgotten he was holding. “Could you see yourself… loving me?”

Hugh sighed, feeling gutted and emptied out onto the ground for the sun to sear as it rose. Reluctantly, he pulled his hand fromhers, getting up off the stone bench and taking a few paces of space.

“You do not understand, Selina.” Refusing to look at her as he said the words, Hugh felt his throat tighten. “I am not a man who ought to be a husband. I would do a piss poor job if it, I am certain. I cannot give you what you want. I cannot be the man youdeserve. You see too much good in me that is not rightfully there.”

The rustling of fabric sounded behind him, and then Selina’s hand landed on his shoulder. Hugh tensed but didn’t yet leave or pull away.

“Do not decide what I want for me. I have had that done by everyone in my life. Not you, too. I know who you are at your core, and I know I want you.”

Frustration and unacknowledged self-loathing forced Hugh to turn around and meet Selina’s eyes head-on. He stood before her as rigid and firm as he could, shaking his head once.

“I do this because I know who I am. I have lived with myself for these thirty-four years, and I have seen what happens each time a woman gets close to me.”

The confusion on Selina’s face was powerful, the hurt simmering underneath it all the more. She didn’t back down, pulling into herself slightly as she folded her arms across her chest.

“Then tell me. Tell me what I have not learned.”

Hugh felt the weight of the universe on his shoulders. All he wanted to do was make Selina see that he would hurt her like all the others, but the why behind that was his own fear. Hugh’s pulse was screaming in his ears as his lungs struggled to breathe evenly. Selina was everything he had never allowed himself to want, and now that she was about to get married to someone who would be the man she deserved, perhaps it was time to give her the truth.

A last act of kindness from the Duke, who had been so cruel to her.

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