Page 35 of Chasing Me

“I’m not.I never was.I’m here to tell you everything.”

“How kind of you.”I watched him walk in, shut the door, then shove his hands in his jeans pockets.Those burnished waves I’d slid my fingers through tumbled over his brow.His jacket couldn’t hide the bulk of his muscles or the lean thighs encased in worn, faded jeans I loved to pull off him as he tumbled me onto the bed.Raw pain sizzled through me, making me want to double over in agony, but I held my position and glared at him with all the loathing I had.“I thought you hated her.I had no idea that was how you hated someone.”

He dragged in a breath and met my gaze.Those sky-blue eyes held an array of pain and guilt, but remained drilled on mine, refusing to look away.“Yes.I need to tell you the story from the beginning, Quinn.Everything I said was true.She ripped me apart in class, disparaged my work, and I never thought I’d get into the expo.One day, she asked to see me after class.I walked into her office and found her blowing the nude model we had in class.It was so fucked-up.I was pissed at her, and I didn’t know what she was doing.”

“And you didn’t go to administration?”I challenged.

He shook his head.“No.I didn’t know what to tell them at first.I was afraid they’d think I was making shit up to get into the expo.I finally confronted her, and she gave me this bullshit excuse about needing to push me in order for me to be a better artist.”

The ridiculous explanation made no sense.“What are you talking about?”I asked, my voice going higher.I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to keep my sanity.“Giving another guy a blow job helps strengthen your art?”

He dragged a hand through his hair.“No.Well, kind of.She said when she pushed me to get in touch with my darker emotions, it was reflected in my work.She said if she picked me for the expo, she’d make sure I succeeded, but I had to push my limits.Said my relationship with you was making me play it safe, and I wasn’t built for calm, committed relationships.”

My head spun.I began pacing, trying to make sense of all the bullshit being spouted at me by the man I loved.“I’m having a hard time understanding this.She was coming on to you, wasn’t she?Saying I was holding you back, and giving you ridiculous excuses so you’d sleep with her.And you bought it, hook, line, and sinker.Why didn’t you tell me any of this?Did you want to sleep with her the whole time?”

“No!I never wanted to sleep with her, Quinn, I swear to God.I got confused, and was trying to figure out her game.I’d decided to go to administration the day you told me you got the job, but I didn’t want to ruin your good news, and then a few days later, my name was on the list and I found out I got into the expo.”

“Because she wants you, James!She’s using the expo to blackmail you, or warp your mind about your art.And you chose to accept it all!”

His jaw clenched.“I was trying to understand.Sort things out.Fuck, Quinn, how do you think it makes me feel to be a liability to you?A fucking noose around your neck?Even Brian saw it, and he warned me away from you.”

My mouth fell open.Now he was using Brian as an excuse?“What are you talking about?Why didn’t you ever tell me you spoke to Brian?”

“I came to see you the night you got the news about the job.Brian called me into his office, and basically told me you were going places, but I’d bring you down.Said you deserved someone who wouldn’t break your heart.”

I wanted to throw accusations at him, prove he was lying, but I knew he told the truth.Brian did have other intentions toward me, but instead of being direct, he went through James.Disappointment cut deep.Would I still be able to work with him, knowing he’d tried to break us up?I shook off the thought.I had to concentrate on James right now.

“Is that why you slept with her?”I asked bitterly.“Because you figured you’d fail me anyway, so why not grab a few orgasms with your hot teacher?”

“No!Damnit, Quinn, I love you so fucking much you’ll never realize.I texted you I was working late, and Ava came in, and I finally confronted her.Asked why she put me into the expo.We had words, and all of a sudden, she’s on me, and I was about to push her away when you walked in.”

I choked on my temper.“She was kissing you, James!Her mouth on yours!I bet there was plenty of time to stop her, or not let her get near you, but you didn’t.I saw it!”

He took a step forward, his hands out in a plea.“Quinn, the truth is, for one moment I wondered if I should let you go.I’m so tired of feeling like I’m gonna fuck up your life.Look at you!You’re graduating, with a full-time job, and you’re on the road to a successful life.I can’t even get through art school, and I’m a trust-fund baby with no skills.Your father hates me.My parents called and let me know I’m an embarrassment to the family because I’m serving fucking coffee to my millionaire friends.I feel like I’m always chasing myself.I’m a loser!”

“You are not a loser!”I screamed at him.“You’re the man I loved, but you did the same thing you did in Key West when you accused me of cheating.You took the easy way, letting yourself believe you weren’t worthy of me, like I’m some kind of fucking saint!I thought you changed.I thought you believed in us.”

My voice broke, along with my heart, and I watched him lose it.He threw back his head and yelled a bunch of curse words, as if he realized we were dying right in front of him and there was nothing left to do.My eyes filled with tears, and I was breaking in two, looking at the man who held my heart and had stomped on it because he’d given up.

“I didn’t kiss her back.”

Red hazed my vision.I was reminded of all those weak excuses men used when caught cheating.She didn’t mean anything.I was drunk.I never had sex with that woman.“You didn’t push her away!”I choked out.“She was right there, pressed against your dick, her lips near yours.Why didn’t you push her away?”

“I froze, Quinn!I kept thinking I was going crazy.She was my teacher, and the key to getting into the expo, which I wanted so fucking bad I didn’t realize what she was doing.When she came over to me, I went into shock!”

We breathed hard, falling silent.The air pulsed with emotional energy.“I’m sorry,” he said brokenly.“I don’t want her, and never wanted her.It’s only been you.I should’ve told you all the shit going on, but I was trying to handle it and then it became a clusterfuck.”

“Would you have told me about the kiss?”

My question shot at him like a bullet.He jerked, and his brow lifted while his lips pursed an inch.“Yes.”

“Lie.You wouldn’t have told me.”

“What about Brian?Did you keep anything from me about him?”

Had I?Was I just as guilty, trying to figure out who I was and if James fit into my life?I thought over my reactions and dialogue, and realized maybe I was a bit guilty, too.“I sensed he wanted more than a business relationship between us,” I finally said.“He never made a move toward me.And if he had, yes, I would have told you.Everything.”

“Did you ever think about you and him together?What it would be like?”