Page 47 of He Thugged Me First

“No, fuck you. Fake ass Wale. You’re a waste of industry space. You broke ass rapper.” I threw a few bills on the table for my meal before I had the urge to hurl my guts out. I had been feeling a little ill lately, and here it was again. Before I knew it, I was in the restaurant washroom regurgitating all that I had just eaten. I didn’t know what it was that made me feel so damn sick, and there was no reason that I knew of why I was like this. Maybe I had caught a bug or—Fuck!

“This shit can’t belife. Was life really life when you were forced to see things from a different view? Yeah, I know I was talking in circles. It was what I had been doing since I stopped at the pharmacy and picked up eleven pregnancy tests. I’d only picked up so many because that was how many different brands they had. They said these things were 99.9 percent accurate. I needed to be one hundred, so I bought all of them. That would’ve made me 1,098.9 percent sure if I was or I was not. The thing is, there was a possibly that I was, because Kasair and I had been irresponsible as fuck. See what had happened was, we made things official, and it went downhill from there. Not to mention I was also the owner of a very irregular menstrual cycle, so I didn’t think. This idea of us even being exclusive was new, and here I was. I mean, what the hell was I gonna do if I was? What could I offer a kid besides the money in my account? My mother was a terrible mother, and that alone scared me. What if I was just like her and I fucked up my kid’s life? What if I became a junkie and didn’t give a fuck about anything but my next high? Fuck! How could I have been so irresponsible to have done this to a child? My brain was moving at fifty thoughts per minute, and it was contributing to the mini melt down I stood in my kitchen having.

“Fuck! I need a drink.” I walked toward the fridge to grab the bottle of coconut wine I loved, but before I could grab it, my mind reminded me of my impending results whenever I took the fucking tests. I couldn’t even take them because I feared the results. I feared the possibility of me being the reason something or someone’s life was fucked up. I mean, honestly, any kid who had to call myself and Kasair mom or dad was fucked. Neither ofus had any substance. We were both bat shit crazy and we were the epitome of fucked up.

“Take the test, Mec. What’s the worst that can happen?” Now I was really losing my mind. I was talking to myself.

“Uh, I don’t fucking know. Everything can happen,” I responded. I glanced over at the countertop where all eleven tests sat, and I dropped to the floor, folding my legs Indian style. Life seemed to be going off the rails, yes, but I believed in the man above. He wouldn’t put no more than I could bear on me, right? But then again, He did put Kasair in my life, and that’s definitely a little heavy. Squeezing my eyes shut, I rested my hands upward on my knees and connected my index finger to my thumb as I started to dial Him. I needed answers, and He above was the only one who could answer me in these moments. Honestly, I needed Him to answer me because I could feel my anxiety and the rare moment where I felt like crying. I felt backed into a corner with no way to run. As if I was in His presence, calm washed over me then vibrations emitted from beneath me. Somehow, He had let me know that everything would be alright, that all my panicking was for nothing, He would continue to give me the strength and tools to get through anything in my way. He had spoken to me. He had spoken his peace. He was God.

Immediately, I stood from the floor, and I grabbed one of the eleven tests and walked toward the washroom. If I didn’t believe this one, I’d be back for the other. As if I wasn’t nervous, I did everything the instructions told me to do, and then I waited. Instead of stepping out of the washroom and setting a timer, I sat on the toilet and I stared at the floor. My brain was mush, and I don’t know how long I glared at the floor biting at my bottom lip before I blinked from my thoughts and grabbed the test.

Fuck! I was pregnant.

LOVE

Mecca had called me five times demanding that I got to her as fast as I could. Mecca was dramatic, but the way she sounded scared me, so I threw my clothes on, and I rushed my ass to her. The funny thing is I could feel that she needed me. When I walked into her house, she was sitting on the sofa staring at a blank TV. She had her head tilted to the left like she was trying to figure something out. Now she was scaring me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, taking a seat next to her.

“What’s the purpose of life?” She didn’t look at me; she kept her gaze ahead.

“Mec—”

“No, seriously. Why are we put onto this earth? For torture and emotions to push us to our breaking points or to fight everyday depressions like depression and?—”

I put my hands on her face and turned her toward me. “Mecca, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Did Kasair do something?” I studied her, trying to gage her reaction as she now started at me blankly. She was looking at me the way Christina looked at Grey after the accident inGrey’sAnatomy. Her ass better not have checked out on me because I needed her.

“I’m pregnant.” She was barely audible, but I heard her loud and clear.

I blinked a few times before putting my hand on my very pregnant belly. “How do you feel about that?”

She cracked a smile for the first time and looked directly at me. “I feel like whatever kid gets stuck with me is cursed. What the hell do I have to give to a kid?” She was looking at me for an answer.

“Everything. You underestimate yourself. You should already see that. You and Mazz have done everything for Mel and lookat her. You don’t give yourself enough credit, but you’re raising a child right now, one who loves you to life and looks up to you. I bet she’s in there asleep in your bed right now.”

She didn’t respond, but I could tell the wheels in her brain were moving.

“Seriously, you didn’t biologically have Mel, but whenever I have this little alien, I just wish I could be half of the parent you are to Mel. Give yourself credit, damnit.” I nudged at her.

“I’m just scared. I don’t think I’m ready.” She shook her head. She was afraid, but I swear I didn’t know what to do.

“If it makes you feel any better, I am too, and you talked me through it. Then, every day I get my fat ass up and I eat. I eat with no remorse, and then I let Quari have it with my emotions because it makes me feel better.” I shrugged.

She busted up laughing. “You’re horrible.”

I giggled. “But it feels so good to inflict a little of the pain I have on him. Sooner or later, you’ll stop thinkingdamn, I’m pregnant,and you’ll get pissed that the bastard next to you is sleeping peacefully and you can’t keep down dinner.”

She kept laughing like I was supposed to retract what I said. “But, Love, what if I’m not good at my own kid?”

I laughed that time. “From what the books said, nobody is good at parenting at first. It just happens, I guess.”

She shrugged her shoulders and she looked a little more hopeful than she had when I first walked in the door. The funny thing is I was in the same frame of mind that she was when I found out. I mean, I knew my man was working to put a child in my uterus, but for some odd reason, I didn’t expect it to happen. I didn’t expect to look up and have a test or six tell me that I was pregnant. I just didn’t expect it, no matter how irresponsible we were being.

Somewhere between reassuringMecca and thinking about my own little nugget, I had gotten caught up in my own brain. In less than five months, I’d be birthing a little being and becoming responsible for it. There was indeed so much that could go wrong that you prayed it all went right. It didn’t take me long to come from Mecca’s home and to my own. What I wasn’t expecting was for Quari to be cooking when I walked in the door. It smelled good, and he looked even better standing over the stove even though he couldn’t cook.

“Yo, don’t get yo’ hopes up. That chef lady said to just warm this shit up on the stove instead of the microwave.” He turned around and looked at me.

I giggled. “You’re such an ass. It would’ve been so much better had you not said anything.”

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