Page 59 of Uprising

She nods but I still see it, that confusion. She’s too young to understand all this. Too young to be in this situation, dealing with all the shit Darius keeps throwing at us. I need to get better at protecting her. I need to be a better mother to her.

“If anyone ever hurts you, if anyone ever says anything to you, you tell me okay?” I say.

She nods again.

I let out a sigh, dropping a towel into the water, and carefully start dabbing at her skin, ignoring that searing pain from my fingers all the while.

It doesn’t look broken. I think he just backhanded her but it was enough. It was more than enough.

“You killed him mummy.” Lara says.

I pause meeting her eyes. I can see she’s trying to process this, trying to get her head around what she’s just witnessed.

“I thought killing people was wrong but you killed him and daddy killed Mrs Bates when he rescued me.”

I remember that. I remember us sat in Lara’s room, watching her sleep that first night after he found her, and Roman confessing it.

He shot her because she wouldn’t let Lara go. I feel a wave of pride in that. It’s unfathomable. Ridiculous even. He’d done that to protect our child. He’d done what he knew was necessary.

But I remember him holding my hand, squeezing it, and us both for that brief, beautiful moment, just able to enjoy being parents for once.

I’ll never be able to hold his hand again. I’ll never be able to touch him again.

“Killing people is wrong.” I say. I can’t deny that. And I won’t let her grow up with a warped sense or morals. “But I was angry and he was hurting you. I needed to set an example to everyone here. I need them to understand that no one can hurt you.”

“They hurt you mummy.” She says and my heart breaks at that. That she sees it, that she knows.

My tears drop. I hang my head because I don’t want her to see but I’m so distraught in the knowledge that shehasseen. She knows. It’s another thing I haven’t shielded her from. Another part of her innocence chipped away.

“I know baby.” I say pulling her in, wrapping my arms around her. “But it doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does.” She says more forcefully. “It does matter.”

“I will take everything they give because it protects you Lara, do you understand that? I love you so much, I will never let them hurt you again.”

“I don’t want you too.” She sobs. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I know.”

“It’s my fault they’re hurting you.” She states.

I grit my teeth meeting her gaze. “Why do you think that?”

“They say it. The guards. They tell me that no one wants me here. That my daddy is dead and I should be dead too.”

My stomach lurches. My anger rages again and I think for a minute I might just go on an actual rampage. Except I can’t, I have to focus on Lara, on comforting her. Now is not the time for more violence.

“They’re lying Lara. Every one of them is lying.”

“But daddy is dead.” She cries.

“You can’t listen to them. You can’t believe what they’re saying.” I soothe her.

“I want my daddy. I want to go home.” She sobs harder and this time I don’t try to hold it in, I don’t pretend.

I cry with her.

I stand there, holding my child, crying for so long I think we both run out of tears.

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