Page 140 of Downfall

“Can’t I stay up?”

I shake my head. “Nope, we need to start instilling some sort of rules.”

“Urgh.” She groans before looking so hopefully at Roman. “Daddy? Please can I stay up?”

“No Sweetpea.” Roman says. “Your mum is right.”

She mutters about us being ‘unfair’ but she gets down, taking my hand we leave the rest of them to it.

* * *

Roman doesn’t come up.I guess he’s giving me and Lara a little alone time.

I read her a story after her bath. Try to answer the questions she still has about why we never saved her sooner. Why we left her in that house to start with. It breaks my heart to hear the pain in her voice as she speaks because she clearly has not had a happy childhood to date. She was clearly suffering.

“I love you.” I say to her, pulling the sheets up, tucking her in. “Both me and your daddy love you. And we’re not going anywhere now.”

She smiles at me. “I know.” She says. “This is our happy ending. Just like in the books.”

I bite my lip. She’s got such faith in me, in us. I kiss the top of her head then once she’s fallen asleep I slip out of the room.

I could go back to my room now, could take some time out and part of me wants to but the other part wants to find Roman. So I head down the stairs, back into the main part of the house.

He’s in his study, in that same room where I’d tricked him. I look around as that knowledge sinks in, as I feel that guilt again.

He’s sat in his chair, clearly in the middle of something.

“I’m disturbing you.” I say.

He smiles, shaking his head. “It’s fine.” He replies, getting up, stepping away from the desk.

I make a point of not looking at any of the papers, I don’t want him to think I’m snooping again. I want him to trust me even if that means I’m kept in the dark about all of this from now on.

“Is she asleep?” He asks.

I nod. “Yeah, she’s shattered.”

“I’m not surprised.” He says. “These last few days have been a lot for her.”

“And me.” I say.

He places his hands on my shoulders. “You okay?”

I bite my lip before I answer. “How do you do it? How are you so natural with her?”

He frowns, tilting his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“You act like you know how to be a parent, you act like you know exactly what she needs.”

“No I don’t.” He says. “I’m making this up just as much as you are.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” I state. “I feel like I’m in over my head. I feel like I’ve been so desperate to save her and know that I have, I don’t know how to actually be a mother.”

“Rose, you don’t have to be anything, youareher mother.”

I let out a sigh. There it is again, that natural wisdom. Meanwhile all I have is my own thoughts telling me I’m not good enough. That I’ll never be good enough. That Lara is better off without me.

He takes my hand pulling me gently to sit on the couch. For a moment neither of us speak. We just sit there, staring in front of us, sharing this trauma as if the silence is a comfort.

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