Page 39 of Downfall

“I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

“So long?” I whine.

He smirks getting up from the bed. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“Fuck off.” I half laugh as he creeps over the window sill and climbs back through. He pulls something out and despite the lack of light I know exactly what it is. He taps it in my direction then lays it out on the sill.

One Juliet rose. Just for me.

And then he’s disappearing into the night as if that’s where he belongs.

* * *

It’s a dream.I know it is and yet I can stillfeelit. Him. Holding me. Touching me.

I can practically smell him in this moment. Not his aftershave, not his shampoo, but him, his sweat, his real aroma. In my head he’s here, beside me, stroking my hair off from my face, telling me that it’s going to be okay, that together we can figure this all out. That together we can survive.

Only that’s not what happened is it?

My heart twists with something unfathomable.

My hands drop to hold my stomach, to clutch it, remembering how it felt, allowing myself to remember for the first time in so long.

Shewas taken from me.

Stolen.

As the duvet clings to my sweat covered frame that’s all I can think about. Not him. But her. What she would have looked like in that moment. What she would have felt like to have held, just once.

A whimper escapes me but there’s no one here. As I force myself awake, as I force those memories back down, the room is dark but mercifully it’s empty because Paris is still away. Though he’s coming back today.

I get up, walk to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face.

I can’t go back there. I can’t relive those memories because it will only end one way. I have to be stronger. I have to be better than that. This is my life. This, right here.

But as I stare at my reflection I can see the cracks. The lies settling in. My resolve crumbles and my tears stream down my cheeks and for once I don’t try to stop them.

I give in. Sobbing out my pain.

My anger.

My grief.

All of it, while clinging desperately to the sink as if my legs aren’t strong enough to hold my weight.

* * *

I spendthe morning in the gym burning out my frustration. Burning out my anger too. Returning myself to the hollow, empty person I have to be to simply get through each moment of the day.

I don’t want to feel any of this when I see him. I want to be back to the emotionless person I was. The person I’d formed in my head when we first married. I want to be able to zone out again. To pretend that this was my choice.

But the cracks feel like they’re growing not settling. It feels like my very foundations are crumbling and I don’t know how I can fix this. How I can continue on. Something is going to break. Something inside me is going to snap and when it does, I’m afraid of what I will do.

And more than that, what the consequences will be.

When I return home he’s already there. I can sense his presence. It’s like a foul odour that lingers in the air, poisoning it, poisoning me too.

It’s been three days. Three days of his absence and complete radio silence. But now it feels like we need to clear the air at least on some level.

---