Page 96 of Deliria

But it wasn’t the damage that made me stop, it wasn’t even that harrowing, desperate sound she was making, it was the haunting, defeated look in her eyes.

And the blood. So much blood. Trickling down, pooling by her knees. I don’t want to think about what this means, whose it might be. I just need to take care of her. That’s all that matters.

I turn the shower on, not really sure if this is the right call, but what exactly do you do when someone is experiencing what Scarlett is?

I help her to her feet and she sways slightly, steadying herself against me.

I strip off my clothes quickly, not wanting to leave her alone for even a second. I guide her into the shower, stepping in behind her.

For a second, she shakes her head, and I can tell that it’s shame, or embarrassment or something that makes her want to push me away.

“It’s disgusting.” She gasps before her chest heaves, and she’s sobbing.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” I snap before I can stop myself.

That seems to break her, to cause whatever last grip she has on herself to let go entirely. She all but falls onto the floor, heaving, sobbing, literally breaking apart.

I drop to my knees, cradling her as she shakes violently.

And for what feels like forever, we don’t speak. We just stay there, with the hot water pouring over us, and her body shifting as that pain twists inside her. I keep my arms tight, afraid that if I let her go she might truly crumble into tiny pieces.

I can feel her heart beating wildly, her breath hot against my skin.

“I, I didn’t know.” She gasps, finally breaking the awful spell. She doesn’t move, she just stays where she is.

I don’t know what to say. How to reply. Any words feel weak, feel wrong. Nothing I say will give her the support she needs right now, nothing I say will fix this.

She tucks her face into my chest, clearly seeking the physical comfort of my body.

I lift my hand to brush that soaking wet hair out of her eyes and she flinches.

“Please don’t touch me. I’m disgusting.” She says, echoing those same words she’d said earlier.

Anger surges through me. Pure fucking fury seems to bring me back from the point of despair. I grab her face, forcing her to look at me.

“You’re not.” I growl. “You’re beautiful. Every piece of you is beautiful, and you’re brave too. Too fucking brave.”

She chokes up as she shuts her eyes, shaking her head. “If I were brave, I would have done something, would have realised sooner.”

“What could you have done?” I ask, refusing to back down. Refusing to let her think that she’s responsible for any of this.

“I could’ve…” She trails off as if whatever vision in her head is too much to speak out loud. “I should have been smarter. I should have realised that some of those meds were contraceptives before I puked them up.”

I draw in a deep breath. “It’s not your fault. None of this is.”

“Yes, it is.” She says, suddenly lashing out, slapping herself as she has to express all the anger and pain inside herself. “I should have thought. I should have considered it. I was so fucking stupid.”

“You’re not stupid.”

“I am.” She snaps. “I am. I should have known this could happen. I should have…” Her words turn to a wail as she grabs her stomach, as she heaves over, breaking that much more.

“Shh, it’s okay,” I murmur, running my hand up and down her spine, soothing her the only way I can.

“I would have loved it.” She says so quietly, as if she’s afraid of my reaction. “Despite how it was created, despite who its father could have been. I would have loved it anyway.”

I don’t know how far along she was. She certainly wasn’t pregnant when they brought her here and the fact that she wasn’t showing or having any symptoms? I doubt she’s more than a few weeks at best. But that follows the timeline, that fits with her suddenly becoming more aware, more of a person and less of their drugged-up zombie.

“You can have others.” I say, even though I don’t know if that is true. Even if I don’t know if she evenwantsthem.

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