Page 46 of Absolution

“I went through all the phases; self-blaming, sadness, anger. Normally when I’m angry, I show it. I yell, I slam doors. But this time... I didn’t. I haven’t. Because I can’t leave. Not yet.”

My voice gets smaller, but I keep going.

“My husband... he wouldn’t take it well. And I have to stay, for the kids. So, every time he looks at me, I pretend I don’t know. Every time he speaks to me, I force myself to answer.”

There’s a pause. I let out a small, bitter laugh. “If anyone has any advice on how to stop feeling like I want to bash his head in with a frying pan, please share.”

That earns a few chuckles and murmurs. Trish, the woman in charge of the group, a silver-haired counsellor with kind but no-bullshit eyes, clears her throat.

“Would anyone else like to share?”

A few people go after me. Their stories blur together, grief, betrayal, survival. None of them are exactly like mine. But Dan's hits hard. He found out his five-year-old son isn’t biologically his. Says he still loves him, that heishis son, but his wife’s betrayal gutted him. He doesn’t know if he can forgive her.

When the meeting ends, chairs scrape, coffee cups are gathered, goodbyes exchanged. I start to follow the group out when I hear Trish’s voice behind me.

“Hey, you got time for a coffee?”

I pause, then nod. “Sure.”

We end up at the café next door, sitting in a booth with warm mugs between us. The place smells like burnt espresso and lemon cleaner. My hands curl around the cup even though I’m not cold.

Trish watches me for a second. “I don’t usually do this. But... are you okay?”

I laugh under my breath. “Some days I want to scream. And the others... I just feel hopeless.”

She nods slowly. “I was in your boat once.”

I blink. “What?”

She leans back. “Found out the father of my kids had aquerida… a mistress.”

“Jesus,” I whisper.

“Oh, it gets better. Week after that, I found out I had cancer.”

I stare at her. “Jesus.”

She gives a dry smirk. “Turned out okay in the end. But let’s talk about you.”

I sip the coffee, still too hot. “Most of what I said in the group, that’s the big stuff. I’m trying to be smart about this. I can’t go to a lawyer; my husbandisone. He’d find out, and that wouldn’t go well.”

Her eyes narrow slightly. “Is he dangerous?”

“Not like that.” I shake my head. “But... Kyle loves our kids. That’s one thing I know. If he thinks I’m planning to leave and take them with me, he’ll make sure I’m the one who never sees them again.”

She sighs. “Kids need both parents.”

“I know,” I say quietly. “I’d never take them from him. But the way he’s been lately...”

I trail off, looking past her to the window. The man I married, he was kind, loving. The years before COVID, especially after Levi was diagnosed... they were hard, but we were solid. We never let go of each other. Even when our son was in the hospital for weeks, we held hands through it all.

But now? Now it feels like he just stopped loving me. Like he made a decision to pull away and never looked back.

“And even though I know what he did,” I murmur, “and how I found out... I think I still love him.”

Trish sighs. “We’re different, you know. Women. We don’t just stop loving someone because they’re bad for us.”

I stare into the mug. “Yeah.”

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