Page 28 of Falling Princess

I hate his pity.

I hate everything about him.

He might not want to be a burden, but he is. A living shackle representing everything I detest about my existence. He can’t help what he is, any more than I can. Yet knowing that doesn’t make the situation easier to bear.

CHAPTERNINE

Cata invited me out for lunch on Friday. I accepted so quickly; I think I surprised her. Any excuse to get away from Lorcan. She’s the only person he trusts to watch over me.

We drove into Edinburgh, to a public house with a menu that was both familiar and different. I recognized chicken pot pie. Burgers, no. After a quarter-hour of trying to translate the menu into foods I knew, I ordered fish and chips and hoped it would resemble the baked trout of my homeland.

It didn’t, but it still tasted good.

“Do you want to go home?” Cata asked bluntly.

“No. Why would I want that?”

I sensed her satisfaction and was confused by it.

“Are you homesick?”

“Not really.” Scotland hasn’t exactly been great, but neither is home. If there’s a place for me in this world, I haven’t found it yet. Most days, I don’t think there is one. I’m a misfit who doesn’t belong anywhere.

“I know this hasn’t been the experience you were hoping for.”

“No. It hasn’t.” I sighed. Cata ordered a beer, so I did, too. She raised one eyebrow but didn’t otherwise protest. “Is it so much to ask to have a bit of breathing space to figure out who I am and what I want from life?”

I want adventures. I want to learn everything I can about botany and science and technology, so I can better decide what to export and import from Auralia, and also because I enjoy it. I don’t want to make public appearances and be a pretty figurehead that people only pay lip service to. Earning my degree will help me be taken more seriously on the international stage.

If I must lead, I want to be substantive, like my mother was. A queen who understands her people and works for them, alongside them. Not an administrator who sits inside the castle collecting taxes and refereeing disputes, like my father does.

But how can I leadanyone, when I can’t even fend for myself long enough to visit the library on a secure campus?

I also feel like a brat, complaining about it, so I tried to keep my frustration bottled up. It keeps squeezing out, though. I am so privileged in so many ways. Just not the ways that matter to me.

“I’m sorry I stuck you with Lorcan. In retrospect, that was a mistake.”

“You didn’t have anything to do with it.”

Cata stabbed her food with unnecessary force. “Who do you think recommended him to your father?”

I set my fork down. I regarded her for a full minute without response before I finally summoned the will to say, “I hate the way you cut me out of everything important. Things that directly affect me.”

I hate that you lied to me about knowing him. Foryears.

“We’re doing our best to give you a taste of freedom while you’re still young. I know it’s been inadequate, Zosia, but we’re trying. The situation right now, it’s not easy. For anyone.”

“Because Auralia might be attacked at any time.”

“Yes.”

“And no one will help us.”

“At this point, no. Your father and I are working to change that, but it’s slow going. You, Raina, and—I’m sorry to say it, Lorcan—are our best PR assets. I thought there was potential for the two of you. I was wrong.”

“Potential in what way?”

Cata made a hopeless gesture. “You’re both attractive people. After your success at the Olympics, you had the world speculating about... a romance between either you and Kenton, or Raina and Lorcan. We had some good press. But it didn’t amount to anything we could leverage politically.”

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