Page 46 of Falling Princess

“Poor kid. She’s got it so bad.” Cata chuckled.

I rolled my eyes. This is not the time when I want to hear about Lorcan’s desirability. No such time exists. “I almost feel bad for him. Must be such a hard life, being so perfect and talented that everyone wants to have their way with you.”

Cata ignored my graceless assessment. “You seem to be firmly in the ‘never would I ever’ camp.”

“I am an island unto myself, apparently.”

Morosely, I wonder why I’m the odd one out. There were a few weeks when I felt... possibility, I suppose. As though, under other circumstances, we might have been friends. More? I don’t know. I can acknowledge that he is an aesthetically attractive person with intelligence and flashes of humor when he bothers to talk, and a creative side I wouldn’t have guessed. Clearly, I have only scratched the surface during the months we’ve been chained together.

But after last night, there’s no possible way Lorcan could feel a drop of affection toward me, not after the way I’ve treated him. He’s only doing his job. I do feel a bit guilty about it when I think back on my behavior. Which is why the best course of action is never to think about it, ever again.

Cata came over and took my face between her palms. “You always will be an island. You are under a kind of pressure that no one else can truly fathom, my flower. Not even Raina. She may be a princess, but if she were to fall, or chose poorly in marriage, others could rule in her place. She has the option of stepping back from leadership. Same with me. If I wish to step down as leader of the Covari, Saskaya will take over for me, whether she wants to or not. If she chooses not to, the task will fall to the next in line.”

Why would Cata step down from leadership? She can’t mean it. She’s only forty-two, in her prime. It’s an example to prove her broader point.

“But you...” Cata drops her hands and gives my shoulder a little squeeze. “If anything happens to you, the Auralian royal line is done. Even if the legends aren’t true and the country survives, it would profoundly disrupt the people’s sense of security. It means the end of our culture.

“You’re trying to be a diplomat, religious icon, and a student, all at once. There’s no precedent for the kind of pressure you’re under. None. You’re still very young and you’ve been carrying this burden since you were little. All I’m saying, Zosia, is be gentle with yourself. And with him. He’s trying his best, too.”

I huffed with skepticism. Lorcan isn’t working on my behalf. He’s looking out for himself—just like everyone else who supposedly cares about me.

* * *

Monday morning, I was awakened by the sound of Cata locking her door and her car turning over in the driveway out front of the house.

Alone.

I stretched, kicked back the blankets and lay there listening to the silence.

No guards, no schedule, no one watching my every move—nothing but a gray winter morning and the luxury of pure solitude. I haven’t felt this relaxed and happy since before my mother’s death.

I made myself tea and toast, took a long, hot shower, and bundled up in a cozy ivory sweater, dark trousers and thick socks. Cata is parsimonious with the heating, so I parked my posterior on the sofa to read for my classes, not that I intend to return to them. All I’m doing is leaving the option open without getting too far behind. A little reading never hurt anyone.

By noon, I was caught up, and thoroughly bored.

I summoned the courage to scroll through my phone, skimming the frantic text messages from my friends. With a deep breath, I created a new group message to include all of my suitemates, plus Scarlett, and typed:Thank you everyone for watching out for me on Saturday, and checking in on Sunday. I’m staying with Cata for a few days. I’ll let you know when and if I’m ready to come back.

The group chat plan backfired immediately. Raina responded on our one-to-one thread:I don’t even know what to do with you, Zosia. You’re not acting like yourself lately.

Scarlett and Kenton took over the group chat with rapid-fire chatter.

Scarlett:I never should’ve left you alone with that guy. I’m so sorry.

Kenton:Nothing happened. It was NBD! Why are you all freaking out?

Scarlett:He kissed her when she didn’t want him to.

Kenton:Did anyone bother asking Zosia what she wanted? Or did you all make assumptions the way you always do?

Me:ILU, K

Kenton:[kissy emoji] The only one who made a big fucking stink about it was Lorcan.

Kenton, again:Excuse my language, ladies.

Lorcan:I’m on this thread, too.

Kenton:You’re no lady.

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