Page 123 of Rules of Association

I glared. “Sex.”

“Okay one, sex is not stupid. Sex is an expression of love and judging by the way you keep pulverizing my equipment, you might be a little overdue for it right about now,” she said. I gaped, and I'm pretty sure my cheeks flushed. “And two, you might be pulling one over on whoever the fuck else you’ve been trying to convince that the two of you are just friends, but you’re not pulling one over on me. And I barely think you’re convincing yourself anymore.”

“I—”

“Nope. I don't want to hear it. Save it for someone who’s stupid enough to believe you. What I want to know is what’s got you all pissed off?” she said. “What? Has he finally had enough of waiting around for you?”

“Jenny—”

“Be straight up, Ceci. You expect everyone else to be. Don't be a hypocrite.”

See what I mean by hardass?

I grumbled. Then I paced. Then I came to stand in front of her again with a huffing sigh. “He’s not acting like himself. Pulling away. Not…doing things like he normally does.”

To her credit, Jenny might have been a hardass but she wasn’t the gloating kind. Not unless it was about boxing. Instead, she nodded and flicked a look over me. “And you're hurt.”

I shook my head slowly. “Not hurt. Confused.”

“Mhmm,” she said slowly. But didn’t linger on it. “Well honey, however confused you may be, he’s feeling it too. You rejected him, mistake or not. You rejected that part of him and reset a boundary that was blurring between you guys for a while—Take it from someone who’s witnessed it and trust me,it was blurring. And I’ve only known you since you started coming here, who knows exactly how long it has been heading in this direction.”

Of everything she said, all of which I heard and acknowledged andkind ofsaw the reason in. Of all those words, the thing that stuck out to me the most was that she’d called me honey. Connor had stopped doing that, too.

Smoothing a frustrated hand over my head I sighed and looked at Jen. She had been candid with me. Even if she wasn’t entirely right, she had been straight enough to give me her thoughts. I could give her mine. “It never used to be like that, you know. The bubble thing.”

She raised an eyebrow in question.

“We’ve always been close, but it started getting confusing a couple months ago when… After—” I stopped and looked at her, swallowing one rough time.

Her eyes were knowing, softening just a little as she met mine. “The reason you started coming here.”

I blinked a few times, trying not to go down the rabbit hole that was remembering. I was stronger now, and I wasn’t afraid anymore. I had Connor and this woman right here to thank for that.

“Yeah. After that happened, it just seemed like a switch was flipped. And now after we slipped up that switch is broken. Things aren’t like they were between us after the attack, and they aren’t like they were before either. It’s just different now, and it feels wrong.”

Jenny looked at me for a long, long time. And then she sighed. “Come here, babe.”

When I did, I think the last thing I expected was for her to open up her arms and wrap them around me. I probably expected myself to melt into her even less. But I did. There was something so shattering about a hug you didn’t know you needed and even more so from a person you didn’t know you needed it from.

Jenny was a hardass. She was also a hardass that was becoming my friend.

“Can you handle a little more truth?”

I chuckled and shrugged, “At this point, why not?”

She laughed too. “Alright here goes. And it’s the kicker babe. Can you honestly say that what you had before was any different from what you had after? Maybe after this ‘switch’ flipped he was more physical or more outward with what you and him both already knew was there. And maybe now he’s less because of what happened. But if you can tell me that the man he’s been to you as your best friend is vastly different at his core than the man he’s been to you as your whatever he is now, then I’ll believe you. And if you’re telling me with one hundred percent honesty that you’re freaking out because you’ve never been interested in it, then I’ll lay off you. But it seems to me whatever’s happening has been existing for a while. Maybe forever. And you’re freaking out for whatever reason you have to freak out—I won’t ask. But now that you’re starting to wise up and see things for how they really are, you’re running Ceci. And I know I don’t know you guys all that well but from what I can tell, Connor doesn’t seem like someone you need to run from. And you don’t seem like a runner. So, what are you so afraid of, hun?”

I could hear my breath. It was steady but loud as it was the only thing that seemed to be making noise in the room other than my thoughts.Can you say that what you had before was any different…

Could I?

My mind circled as it thought about Connor in our first days, looking at me with that serious expression but ultimately going along with all my crazy ideas. Connor opening doors for me, and taking care of me when I was sick, and making me pancakes whenever I was feeling down. Connor who could read my mood like a book and never shied away from telling me the hard things even when I acted like a brat who didn't want to hear them. Connor who made sure I knew that I was important to him. He said things like “if you need me, call me” and he’d let me set ridiculous rules for our friendship, like keeping it from our families and experimenting with boundaries like children. Connor who I could laugh and laugh with over something as silly as the sky being too blue or as personal as us finding our cat and giving her a barely successful bath. Connor who for the past almost two years, had been my person. My happy person, my sad person, the person I turned to for anything.

Connor…

“Ceci?” Jenny asked me again.

“I can’t think about that right now, Jen.” I tightened my grip on her just slightly. I was hiding and I knew it, but I just couldn’t think about the possibility of having him in a different way, not when I’d already successfully gotten him inthisway. Not when having him any other way might mean the possibility of not having him at all. Pulling up, I released her and looked into her face before shaking my own. “I really can’t.”

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