Page 129 of Rules of Association

It was strange to me how I could feel so disappointed in a moment where I should feel pride. I had just been feeling so good. Giddy in a way I didn’t quite understand but somehow knew was akin to that feeling I recognized in my siblings way back in that first week I spent working with them. Yet, one look at Connor—not the normal Connor, but this weird Connor who felt more like a stabbing knife rather than his usual comforting calm, had me feeling uncharacteristically choked up and emotional.

Dropping the pail of cleaning solution, spray, and wipes onto the ground, I forced myself to breathe. One, two, three deep breaths. They were poisoned by the scent of chemicals and dust from the closet, but they were calming enough to allow me to push back out into the room. Connor was still at his place by the door, now standing with a grimace on his face. His shoulders were hunched as he curled his hands into his pockets, looking like a guilty little boy.

Ugh.

I looked away, not wanting to think he looked adorable with his big, towering features so small and curled up and remorseful. But he did, and the flutter it sent to my heart was just as confusing as the pain he’d sent there earlier.

“Ceci, can I talk to you?” he asked.

“Since when have you ever asked if you can talk to me?” I asked giving him a look. “Just talk.”

“I would, but you’re mad at me.”

“That’s ridiculous, when have I ever been mad at you, Con?” I asked.

“Not ever, at least, not really,” he said.

“Well, there you go. Proof. I’m not mad,” I said, but I refused to look at him as I strode over to where my water bottle, sweatshirt, and keys lay in the corner.

“I’ve never let you down before either,” he said. He kicked at nothing in particular, mumbling, “Until today, I mean.”

I faltered a step, my knees getting wobbly at his dead accurate assessment on how his recent cold shoulder was affecting me.Ever since the incident in the bathroom.

He was right. Hehadlet me down. Disappointed me—not because he was busy, but because he’d made me feel like, for that split second, I didn’t matter to him. I wasn’t used to that feeling. Wasn’t accustomed to the taste of disappointment from Connor.

I was learning, it could be pretty damn bitter.

My silence wasn’t pointed, but it confirmed his earlier words. He cursed when I didn’t deny them. I ignored it, instead pulling on my shirt and picking up my things before turning to him and raising my eyebrows slightly. “I need to lock the door.”

His face was miserable as he looked at me. “How was your lesson?”

I swallowed, my damn nose burning, taking my eye sockets along for the ride. What was he doing? Asking about my day like I hadn’t attempted to share it with him earlier. Did he even really care, or was he just trying to cover his own ass? My nose stung even more at the thought that he didn’t.

“I need to lock up,” I repeated, my voice croaking.

Connor hissed and was in front of me in a second. His hand went under my chin to lift my face up with a knuckle. Eyes boring into mine and searching with frantic urgency. His voice remained soft.

“Don’t do this to me,” he requested.

“Do what?” I asked confused and more than a little distracted by the feeling of his skin on mine for the first time in weeks. He was warm. He always ran warm. And I could smell him again from this close up. I wanted to cry with relief, I had missed this so much.

“Scream at me, curse, anything. Just don’t—” he pressed his lips together as he looked over my face. “Don’t ice me out, Cee.”

I felt my teeth grind together at the back of my mouth. I tried to unclamp my jaw, but the nerve back there was working hard. Connor noticed, or maybe he just knew, because he moved his hand up the outline of my jaw and cupped me there. Used his fingers to massage the spot where my temple met my jaw. The motion was both dazing and like a release. It irritated me even more.

“Don’t ice you out? What, like you’ve been doing to me for weeks?” I asked, my voice doing that cracking thing it had before but worse now that it was laced with the anger I supposedlywasn’tfeeling. “So on top of being punished for my reaction before, I’m also not allowed to react the way I want now, either?”

He sighed a deep sigh before brushing that hand up my jaw toward the back of my neck, cupping me there too. “No one is punishing you for anything, Cee. I’m just trying to respect your boundaries. I can handle that, but I can’t handle you cutting me out.”

“What, and I can?” I asked, rage bubbling up fast and noticeable in my voice. In my face. In the damn stinging in my eyes. “That’s not fair, Con and you know it.You know it.”

“Okay, okay,” he placated softly and somewhere in the back of my mind I was thankful the lights were out in the room, or else anyone could see us from outside the glass. “I’m sorry, Ceci. Will you show me now? Please?”

I felt the wobble of my chin and could do nothing but rip away from him. This was absolutely ridiculous. I wasnotabout to cry in the middle of the fucking gym, and especially not over something so stupid. “I called you when I needed help. Now I don’t.”

He groaned. Apparently I was hurting him. Tough. “If you would have just stayed on the phone for two more seconds I would have been able to tell you I could meet you a little later.”

I narrowed my eyes. Whatever emotion that had been working its way up my airways evaporated into mist. Into anger. I pointed my finger and held his eyes. “When I need help, I come to you. Youfirst. Youalways. If you can’t do it, fine, I get that. What I don’t get is having to wonder if I should’ve even bothered. If I’ve done something wrong or if we’re even still friends anymore.”

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