Page 154 of Rules of Association

The other popped open. “Do tell,Marvin. I believe you’ve been holding out on me.”

I huffed a laugh and leaned my head back against the back of the couch. Silently, I wondered if I should tell her about the meeting with Clint and my family. I wondered if I should tell her that I’d quit and that I was technically, no,officiallygoing out on my own.

Wiggling her legs against my lap, Ceci caught my attention. Peeking an eye up to her, I was met with a raised eyebrow and pursed lips. “I can tell you’re thinking about not telling me, and that’s not allowed. And keep going—You can talk and use your hands at the same time.”

It was my turn to raise my eyebrow at her and I swear she went pink under my scrutiny. Pushing at my shoulder she said, “You know what I meant.”

I did know what she meant, but I also knew that I would love to show her how I could use my hands and my mouth at the same time. Inmanyways.

Pulling my eyes away from hers, I suppressed the thought and made myself take a breath before admitting. “I didn’t exactly tell them about my ideas. It was more like, we fought, then we didn’t talk for a while, and then I told them that if they wanted to act like they didn’t need me, they wouldn’t have me. I turned in my resignation the other day.”

“Is Clint going to jail?”

“No,” I huffed, a relieved and sort of humorous sound leaving me. “Took care of that too.”

“You said ‘they’,” she said cautiously. Like she knew where this was going but could only hope it was true. “Your brothers?”

I nodded, my chest feeling sort of heavy at the memory of my conversation with her. “And Mom.”

Cee sucked in a sharp breath and sat up in her seat. Before I knew it soft hands were reaching forward and cupping my cheeks. Scooping up my chin she used her hold on me to guide my gaze to hers. Then she captured me with her steady, perfect eyes. These were Ceci eyes, the eyes I had become so used to. The eyes that had been missing in recent months as she discovered new sides of herself that she wasn’t fully sure about yet. It was reassuring to know that she was still sure about me, even though it wasn’t quite in the same way I was sure about her. Not yet at least.

“Do you know how great that is, Con?” she asked with a gusting laugh.

“No,” I answered truthfully.

“It’samazing,” she said. “And it’s about damn time. You know I don’t get all the computer stuff, but I get you, and on top of being the smartest person I know, you’re also the most steady. The most loyal. The strongest. If anyone deserves to go after what they were born into this world to do, it’s you.”

I wanted to tell her that I was born into this world to meet her. To sit here on this couch with her and play reruns of our favorite shows. To wake up ten minutes before her and listen to her breathing, then close my eyes for ten minutes after just to have an excuse to hold her close for longer. To be near her for any reason on any day and not worry about crossing some imaginary line when I wanted to touch her a certain way or kiss her or make her feel good or any of the millions of sensations and experiences I wanted to shower her with. I wanted to tell her that I was born into this world to be hers and that she owned me body and soul.

I wanted to.

But that was a lot, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Not after so long in this weird ‘friend’ limbo. So instead, I just savored the feel of her touch, closing my eyes for a brief second as I nuzzled into her hand.

“Ah,” I hummed, narrowing my eyes up at her. “Just when I thought my little poet had retired.”

A wry grin spread across her face and she smushed my cheeks a little before sobering and just sort of rubbing at my stubble. “I’m serious, Connor. You’re a saint for putting up with their judgment for so long. I know how hard it is for you to give up on something after your heart’s in it, but sometimes it’s okay to choose yourself. Especially if they're not choosing you back. Choose yourself first, and I promise they’re going to wise up and realize what they’ve been missing.”

Opening my eyes fully, I looked at this girl beside me. I wanted to scoff, to rage, or throw a fit at how fucking ironic she could be. But she wasn’t making fun of me. She wasn’t kidding. What she was saying, she was saying with her whole heart. I couldn’t chastise her for it. Even if it was painful for me to watch her view things so right when it came to the inconsequential and still get the important things wrong.

If they wanted to act like they didn’t need me, they wouldn’t have me.

In the back of my mind I wondered miserably if I would ever have to implore the same rule on Ceci, but just as quickly as the thought surfaced, I chucked it away. She wasn’t the same as my parents or my family. It wasn’t her inability to see me that was holding her back; it was her inability to see herself with me. It was her own demons warring with something she had not yet shared that was stopping her time and time again from taking that last step.

I was hers. Long ago, she’d stolen parts of me that I thought I’d locked up tight. Parts that resembled kid-like laughter and uninhibited joy. Things like selflessness and compassion. Sacrifices like swallowing my pride and working through hard times for people you loved. Like the little thief that she is, she’d stolen parts I didn’t even know I had to give, and she wasn’t returning them. They were hers now,Iwas hers. She just needed to become mine.

Ceci rubbed her hand up and down my face once more, causing my eyes to blink clear and flicker to hers.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked.

“You,” I said honestly.

“What did I do?”

I shook my head. “Sometimes you say these amazing things to me and I can’t help but wonder how the hell you don't know.”

“Know what?” She gulped.

I could do it. I could say it right now. Lay it all out on the table, bare and brazen for her to do with what she would. But looking into her eyes, I still recognized that sliver of panic that always seemed to stop me in my tracks. And seeing that, I realized that a part of me wasn’t as fearless as I wished I was. A part of me still feared what I suspected she feared as well.

---