Page 28 of I'm Not Yours
“Then think of it while you’re pedaling north.”
“Will you bike with me?”
“No, I won’t.”
“Can I bike with you?”
“No, same thing.”
“Why not?”
“Because . . .” I struggled to find the right words, finally settling on honesty. “I don’t want to get wrapped up in you again because then I can’t think like a normal person.” And yet . . . I so wanted to do that. I trusted Jace enough to lose my mind around him, I did.
“I cannot understand why.”
I did not miss the sharp edge in his tone. Jace was no sap.
“If you’ll let this work between us, Allie, it could have a different ending than it did before.”
“I’ll be leaving soon, so what’s the point? I’m going back to the city. I was invited for interviews in Boston, Seattle, and Houston.”
He was quiet for a second. “And when you get a job, that’s it. You’ll be gone?”
“Yes.” My voice was soft. I ignored the way that traitorous heart of mine screamed in protest.
“Why? Why would you leave so soon?”
“Why? Because I need a job. And why would I stay?” He shook his head a little and I knew I’d hurt him.
“Stay for us. Or stay because we’re living in the country with a stream running through our properties and apple orchards. Stay because you have a home here and a bunch of animals who like you. Stay because you can find a job here.”
“The jobs I applied for start immediately.”And if I stay here longer, it will kill me to leave you, Jace. You deserve more. More than me.I kept pedaling. “I am not used to not working. I need to work. It fills up the time.”
“Other things can fill up time, too.”
“Not in my life, Jace. Working is part of me. I’ve worked since I was sixteen, and from that moment on, the independence it brought me, the financial security . . . I can’tnotwork.”
“I’ll pay you to stay here.”
I laughed; he didn’t. He was serious, I knew that. Jace was the most generous, protective person I knew. Yellowstone showed me that. “No. I would never accept money from you.”
His jaw tightened and I could tell my quick rejection hurt him.
“You’re running from here as fast as you can. I can see that. You like to run, don’t you? When things get to a place that you don’t like, you shut down and you cut out.”
“That’s not true.” I bit my lip to keep a flood of emotions under control. “Maybe I am running. Okay, I think you’re right. I am running.”
“Why? Why are you runningagain?”
“My dad’s house is a reminder of him. We didn’t get along, so I need to move. I hardly know anything about horses or how to take care of an apple orchard or all that property.” I stopped my bike because my eyes were filling up behind my sunglasses and I couldn’t see. We were up on a hill, the land stretching out in front of us like a quilt, sections here and there for fields, farms, orchards, vineyards. “You’re here and you’re kind and fun and interesting, like before, and I feel us falling intousagain, and I can’t have that.”
He stopped next to me. “For God’s sakes,” he swore, his voice raised. “Why do you keep pulling away? Why won’t you give us a chance?”
I could only give him a partial truth. “I can’t do relationships, Jace. I can’t get that close to anyone. I don’t trust men; I hardly trust women. You were the first person, outside of my mother, that I trusted.”
“Doesn’t that say something about us, then?” He pulled off his sunglasses with a little too much force. “About the quality of our relationship, our future?”
“We don’t have a future. You are looking for a wife, we both know that. I don’t want to be a wife, and I’m not presuming that you would want me to be your wife, but I don’t want to . . . to . . .” I waved my hand in the air.
