Page 29 of Cruising with You

“Care to give us an example?”

I think back on all the times I’ve helped before landing on a memory where he was particularly miserable. “My brother played college football and was away for a game when his son got really sick. His mom is…well,…she’s less than stellar, and my brother asked me to go pick up my nephew and take care of him until he could catch a flight.”

“Were you working at the time? Going to school?”

“I was going to school,” I answer.

“So, what did you do?”

“I skipped class and held my nephew. He had the flu and a double ear infection. I had to take him to the doctor. Pick up his prescription. Clean up a lot of puke. And just…hold him.”

“That sounds really hard,” Dr. Lorringer comments. “Were you upset at your brother?”

I shake my head. “No, of course not. I was a little peeved at his ex since she’s a terrible mom, but I was happy to help my nephew and brother out. Honestly, I would’ve been angry if he hadn’t called and asked me to help. I think that was one of the most memorable moments I’ve ever had with my nephew.”

“It’s interesting how that works, isn’t it? When we’re sacrificing for someone without any resentment, that’s often when we feel closest to them.” Turning to the audience, she expounds, “Relationships are hard work, people, but they’re also the most rewarding connections we can have. Gage, have you ever had anyone look after you in a way that’s similar to what Nora just described?”

He shakes his head. “Not since I was a little kid, no.”

“And does it still sound so terrible?”

There’s a heavy pause as he looks down at me. Studying me. Searching for something. The intensity that’s rolling off him makes me want to cry. For him. For me. For everything we say we don’t want, but we really do.

“No, it doesn’t,” he admits. “But what you just described isn’t always the norm, either. Nora just gave the perfect example. The kid has a shitty mom. Shouldn’t she love her sick baby more than anyone? But she didn’t. She couldn’t. Maybe that’s not her fault. Maybe it’s just…the way that it is for her.”

“So, you think that not everyone is capable of love?”

He clears his throat before running his hand down his face. “Yeah. Maybe they wish they were capable of it. Maybe they even tried it before they realized how selfish they were.”

“Are you speaking from experience, Gage?” She cocks her head to the side and watches his Adam’s apple bob up and down before he glances over at me.

“Yeah. I am.”

“Can you tell us what happened? It’s a safe space here.”

With a deep sigh, he shoves his hands into his front pockets, then rocks back on his heels. “I dated the same girl for five years. She was best friends with my buddy’s fiancé––the guy who just got engaged that I mentioned earlier. We were, uh…I dunno how to explain it. Double date buddies?” He laughs dryly. “Anyway, we started dating a couple years before them, so we had a head start. After the first couple of years, Melanie started asking about our plans for the future. I would always shrug it off. She would send me pictures of wedding rings and would say shit like,‘I’m not dropping any hints or anything. I just thought it was pretty.’” Another dry laugh escapes him as he gets lost in the memories. “I led her on for five years before I finally had the courage to break it off. I loved her. I did. I just…knew that I’d never be enough, and I’d never be able to give her the life she wanted. When we finally broke up, she was pissed, and she had every reason to be. But I still remember what she said to me before walking out the door. ‘If you knew you didn’t want marriage, why didn’t you tell me? Why weren’t you up-front with me? Why can’t you love me the way I love you?’And that’s when I realized the truth. I’m not capable of that kind of love. I’m capable of having a good time, but…that’s it. And I just…I guess I needed to find someone who was okay with that.”

He looks down at me again, but instead of relief in his gaze, I’m met with hesitation and guilt.

“And how does that make you feel, Nora?” Dr. Lorringer asks.

A stupid tear slips past my defenses, and I hastily wipe it away. “I feel…heartbroken for you. And for her.”

“Why her, Nora?” Dr. Lorringer prods.

“I’ve already told Gage this story.”

The CliffsNotes version, anyway.

“But you haven’t told us,” Dr. Lorringer presses. “And because this is a workshop, I think it would be really beneficial for everyone to get to the bottom of this.”

Definitely gonna kill Gem.

Sighing, I explain, “My brother was you, Gage. He dated the perfect girl for a long time. All throughout high school. They were…well, for lack of a better word, they were perfect for each other. And I’m not just saying that. Like seriously…when I grew up, I wanted to find a relationship like theirs. Then, one day after graduation, he broke it off. I still don’t understand why, and honestly, I’m not sure if he does, either, because I know he regrets it. But he did. He broke her heart. And I had to watch it all fall apart. I always felt like…if a couple like them couldn’t make it, then how the hell was I going to find someone that would give me better odds of a happily ever after?”

The room is silent. I’m not even sure the audience is breathing with how quiet and heavy the air is around us. But I also don’t know what to say to break it. To make it better. To erase the pity on Gage’s face as he stares down at me.

“Gage, do you think Nora is capable of having a happily ever after?”

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