Page 125 of Burn Bag

“You are,” she chuckled. “But a very good-hearted mess. We didn’t exactly think of a plan after stealing him.”

“Aren’t you glad you met me?” I asked, a rueful smile playing at my lips.

“Are you kidding? I’ve never had so much fun. We have to keep these men on their toes.”

I buried my head in my hands and laughed. “Oh God. He was on the toilet. I can only imagine what he thought when he saw it.”

“Well, thankfully, he was on the toilet, so if he shit himself, it went in the right place.”

I started laughing, and the image was just too funny to stop. Maybe that made me a bad person, but I needed it now or I would start thinking about how my life was about to implode.

“Come on. Let’s head back. I’m sure by now he’s cooled off a little.”

I grabbed the snake, but I wasn’t quite as hopeful as she was.

I satin a chair at the counter, the snake coiled around my shoulders and slithering toward Harper while Edu and Bradley stood in front of us, treating us like we were in school at the principal’s office.

Bradley started pacing, but only made it a few steps before hestopped and turned to me, his mouth open, ready to yell, but nothing came out. Instead, he went back to pacing.

“Would it help if I apologized?”

Harper nudged me as Bradley scowled.

I took that as a no.

“I was on the toilet,” he said almost to himself. “After listening to you two rant for a good fifteen minutes, telling me some bullshit story about a squirrel, I finally escaped to some peace and quiet. Peace and quiet that I assumed would last a good half hour, but no,” he chuckled, turning to pace in the other direction.

“No, that didn’t happen.” He stopped and narrowed his eyes at me. “You know, it’s bad enough that I had to deal with you sneaking cats in, but then, you added more!”

He took off again. Man, we were going to have to replace those floorboards sooner rather than later. And this was a new house.

“But then, to find out that my solitude—my time for me! Time where I can just sit there and relax with no one around was interrupted by a snake wrapping itself around my fucking leg?—”

He stopped again and snapped his head in my direction. “Do you have any fucking idea what it’s like to be on the shitter and find out there’s a snake twisting its body around yours?”

I shook my head slowly.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.” He kept marching while I tried to contemplate ifThis wasn’t supposed to happenmeant a snake wasn’t supposed to be in the house, or if he was suggesting something entirely different.

“A man needs some time to himself. That’s just the way it is. You have run of the house all day long. I don’t ask you to work. I don’t yell at you for spending money. I don’t even care if you eat Whoppers all day long. You don’t know how to cook. You can’t drive for shit. And we both know that your love of animals has gone just a step too far.

“But this…” He chuckled humorlessly, shaking his head. “Peace and quiet. Is that really too much to ask? To sit down and watch the game without you hauling in twenty bags of crap from the store. To finish the fucking game without having to hear about a squirrel? To go to the bathroom without a fucking snake wrapping itself around my leg!”

He glared at me again. “To fucking sit in my own house without wondering what the hell you’re going to do next? Is that really too much? I mean?—”

He huffed several times and I almost asked him if he needed an inhaler, but then he started ranting again.

“I did not sign up for marriage just to lose basic rights of my own fucking home!” He spun, his nostrils flaring angrily as he pinned me with those big brown eyes. “Well? Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

I leaned back as spit flew from his mouth during his tirade. Wiping it gently, I poked my finger into his chest to back up a step.

Then it was my turn.

“While I understand your anger that I brought a snake home, let me clear up a few things while we’re being so open and honest with one another. First, and probably most importantly, I did not force you to marry me. I walked down the aisle. You knew I wasn’t the woman you had planned on marrying. You threw caution to the wind and married me anyway.

“Maybe it was out of some desperation not to lose face. Maybe you’re insecure because you have a big dick, look good, and yet no woman will marry you. And after the way you just yelled at me, I’m beginning to see why that would happen.

“I—”

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