Page 14 of Burn Bag

The pool hardly moved at all. “I guess there aren’t a lot of big feet out there,” he joked.

“This is impossible,” I sighed. “I’m never going to find the right woman.”

“You need to look on a deeper level. What do you really want out of this woman?”

I shrugged, not even sure. “I guess…a woman who is home every night and makes me dinner. She’ll keep the house clean and organized while I’m at work. Maybe she loves to bake, and every morning I’ll have fresh donuts or scones.” He snorted, but I kept going. “A good driver who is conscientious about safety. Good with money and won’t waste mine on frivolous shit. Oh, and she should be interested in my job, but not enough to want to learn how to use a weapon. And uh…I guess I don’t want makeup and shit all over the counter. Oh, and all that bath shit. The last thing I want is the house smelling like perfume or girly shit.”

“Is that it?”

“Um…yeah, I think that’s it.”

“Right, well, that should really narrow it down. And…” He clicked a button and a single profile popped up. She wasn’t too bad looking.

“That’s it?”

“Dude, I followed your list. Here’s the one woman in the world you’ll be able to tolerate. Now, if she’s not good enough, we can add a few of your stipulations back in and see what pops.”

“No, this is good.” I studied the profile and the more I saw her, themore I liked her. Blonde, blue eyes, short, small feet, loves to bake and cook, hates guns, doesn’t wear makeup… “I think you found her.”

Relief washed through me as I stared at my future bride. “This is good. Where is she?”

“Uh…Missouri.”

I nodded, wondering what it would take to convince her to move to Kansas. “Any family?”

“None whatsoever.”

“That’s even better. Maybe she’ll be cool with a small wedding.”

“Sure. Sounds like you have it all figured out. So, when are you gonna see her?”

“Well, I should probably introduce myself online first. Maybe lay out some of the basics.”

“I can do that.” He started typing and I glared at him when the message scrolled across the screen. “Desperately seeking a wife.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Well, that’s you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to make me look so pathetic.”

“Again, you’re finding your wife by weeding out every woman who might not fit the profile. I think we’re past pathetic and into a whole new territory.”

He might have a point, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. “Fine, send her a message. Let her know I’d love to meet her in person. Oh, and make sure she knows I’m not a psycho.”

He rolled his eyes and started typing. “Sure, I’ll put that right under the fact that you play with guns for fun.”

I didn’t like his attitude, but I wasn’t going to harp on him too much. He was helping me, after all. By this time next year, I could be happily married with a kid on the way. Everything about this was looking up.

“Oh, she’s on,” he said in surprise.

I jumped to my feet and stared at the message that appeared on the screen.It’s nice to meet you, but I think you’re too far away.

“Tell her I’ll pay for relocation costs.”

“For what? You haven’t even met the woman.”

I turned to him and grinned. “Trust me, this is my future wife.”

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