Page 143 of Burn Bag

“Why is that?” I asked, taking a sip of my beer. “Why do they feel the need to run off and…explore?”

“Beats me,” he scoffed. “I mean, there are plenty of things to explore in Kansas.”

“Right? Like the fields.”

“And the corn.”

“And the prairie grass,” I added, thinking really damn hard about what else they could look at. “I’m sure there are fossils around here. You’d just have to dig for them.”

“Just like in Egypt,” he pointed out.

“Yeah, just like in Egypt. I mean, what the fuck is so great about a mummy?”

“I mean, besides that, it’s thousands of years old.”

“Hey, I bet you anything we could find a dinosaur in any one of these fields. I bet she would come home for that.”

“Right, and then we’d laugh in her face because we’d get to name the dinosaur.”

I nodded along with him as a plan came together. “How hard can it be to actually find one of those things? I mean, they’re fucking huge.”

“Yeah, you need like…a fossil or something. We could find a fossil.”

“It’s not like it’s that hard,” I said, completely annoyed by the whole situation. “And volcanoes, like they’re really that amazing.”

“Hot lava that explodes out of the peak of the mountain and rushes down the side, killing thousands of people. Ooh, scary,” he said mockingly.

“Right? They make science fairs out of that shit. How much more is there really to study?”

“Well, they’re actually gaining new intel every day. Not that newintel gives her the right to walk out on me when I’m building a forest fire with her.”

“Yes, right there! A forest fire. She already has all the hot magma she could want. I mean, it’s not the same or even the same state of solids or whatever, but it’s nearly the same thing.”

“Yeah, she could be studying me,” Scottie argued. “I’m fucking amazing to look at. Who wouldn’t want to study me?”

“I mean, not me, but I’m a guy.”

“Right, well, I would expect that answer.”

“Not that you’re not amazing. You have a great body.”

He winced. “You think? I thought maybe I was getting a little lazy. My abs are feeling a little less pronounced than they used to be.”

“Let me see.”

He lifted his shirt and I checked out his taut stomach, not seeing much of a difference. “Nah, you’re crazy. Look at that. It’s like a cheese grater.”

“You think?”

“Totally.” I ran my hand over his stomach and nodded. “Not an ounce of fat. I think you’re just getting self-conscious.”

He scoffed at that. “Well, wouldn’t you if your wife was always running off at a ‘volcano emergency’? I mean, what is that? How does a volcano suddenly have an emergency? The rock has been sitting there for thousands of years. They have sensors monitoring that shit. So, is it really a surprise when a volcano starts making more noise?”

I had no fucking idea.

“No! Of course, it’s not. You’ve been watching the damn thing for years!”

I couldn’t argue with that. “Just like a mummy is no great surprise. Like,Hey, guys, we buried this dead guy thousands of years ago. You should really come see what he looks like now!”

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