Page 4 of Burn Bag

“Only because I was so fucking bored of your pathetic hits.”

Slippers scuffled along the floor and FNG tossed his towel down on a nearby bench. “Sure, now the real trash-talking begins.Afterthe fight. Do you guys even understand the purpose of having a fight like that? You’re not supposed to bond afterward and take a fucking bath together.”

The scowl on my face matched IKE’s. “We’re not taking a bath. This is a soak. There’s a difference.”

“Whatever,” FNG said, getting into the water. “You’re both sitting in a hot pool of water, closely confined by what appears to be a tub.”

“There are bubbles,” IKE said defensively.

“Yes, and in a bath, there are also bubbles,” FNG smirked. “Imagine that.”

“Is there a point to you coming in here and harassing us?”

“Why, yes, there is. I came to inquire about your plans for the feminine persuasion.”

“The what?” I snapped, already irritated with him.

“The opposite sex,” he sighed, rolling his eyes at me. “Geez, it’s not like I’m speaking a foreign tongue.”

“And why the fuck would you care about my future plans?”

“Well, A, I’m wondering if this will repeat itself in another five months. I could sell tickets, if it does.” He watched me hopefully, but when I gave no signal in the affirmative, he continued. “B, I have this idea for you…”

“No,” I said instantly. There was no fucking way I was letting FNG set me up with anybody. “I’m not interested in dating. In fact, after the fucking horrible year I’ve had, I think a vacation is in order.”

“A vacation?” The horror on FNG’s face was comical.

“Hey, my old man was killed in front of me. I was shot in the fucking neck and fell into my father’s grave. I never heard the end of your fucking story. Oh, and some crazy mother fucking assassins came to murder me in my own bed. So, yes. I think I’ll take a fucking vacation.”

Silence descended as I glanced around. “Where the fuck is my beer?” I shouted, hoping someone would bring it to me.

“And you think a vacation is going to solve that?” IKE asked.

“Probably not, but I need it. You remember when Thumper headed out into the desert? I think that’s what I need.”

“The desert?” IKE snorted. “Sounds like a fucking nightmare.”

“Only because it would ruin your prissy three-piece suit,” I retorted, leaning my head back against the tub. I let my eyes drift closed as I let the year play on repeat in my mind. By far, the worst was burying my father. Watching him get shot was…it was fucking horrible, but saying goodbye when I never made up with him was torment on my soul. I wasn’t sure I would ever get over that.

“Well, if you go on vacation, you’re going to need backup,” FNG muttered.

“And why the fuck would I need that?” I asked, peeling one eye open to glare at him.

“Uh…isn’t it obvious?”

“No, Sherlock. It’s not obvious.”

“Well, obviously, on this vacation, you’re going to get into trouble and need your comrades to help you out. Of course, you’ll meet the love of your life and go on the run to save hers. I’ll have your back the whole time. If you’re lucky, we’ll get Dash to come along, too. Now,I’m thinking we’ll need at least three or four…dozen grenades. A few rifles and enough handguns to fill the Wild West. Of course, that’s just off the top of my head. I’ll need to do some brainstorming with Thumper.”

“Dude, it’s not going to be anything like when Thumper went out into the desert.”

“How can you be sure?”

“One, because I’m not going alone. I’m taking everyone with me. We’re going to get back to nature and enjoy the fuck out of it. Two, because I will not be meeting any women on the trip. That’s not what this is about. And three, you won’t be there.”

He frowned at me. “Wait, you just said everyone was going. Why would I not be there?”

“You want to know why? Because you would turn everything into some umbrella adventure. And because you never finished your fucking story just as I was about to die?—”

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