Page 5 of Burn Bag

“I could finish it now?—”

“And mostly because you bring trouble with you wherever you go.”

He nodded. “I agree with that last part. Though I’m not sure it’s entirely my fault.”

“It is.”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“I am. You’re not going.”

“I’m not going either,” IKE huffed.

“You’re definitely going. If only so I can see you in something normal for three fucking days. I swear to God, if you pack suits on this trip, I will shred them with my bare hands, and then I’ll make you walk around in nothing the whole fucking time while prairie dogs try to eat your balls.”

I closed my eyes and leaned back again, listening only to the sound of the bubbles in the tub.

“Why prairie dogs?” FNG asked.

“What?” I sighed.

“I mean, there are a million different things out there that could eat your balls, yet you went with prairie dogs.”

“Because they’re small, FNG. Because they’re small and they travel in big packs, that’s why.”

“You know they’re herbivores, right?”

“And they also eat nuts, which is why the whole fucking thing made sense.”

“I’m pretty sure they don’t. I think it’s just grass and roots and?—”

“Does it really fucking matter?” I shouted. “I was making a point! A point which you now ruined by having to explain every fucking detail of!”

“Only because you were wrong,” he pointed out.

“And this is the final reason why you aren’t coming. I would have to kill you in the first hour, and then it’d be really fucking hard to explain to Lock when I got back.”

“Not really,” IKE shrugged. “He was bothering me, so I killed him. Seems pretty straightforward to me.”

“Hey! What did I ever do to you?”

“The point is, this is a trip for me, and I say you’re not going. And that’s final.”

Closing my eyes, I once again blocked everyone else out and started planning the trip in my head. It was going to be good. Really fucking good. And then I’d come back refreshed and ready to move on with life.

And then FNG opened his mouth again. “A woodpecker would have been a better choice.”

3

KAVANAUGH

“I just don’t understandwhy I have to be here,” Dash whined. “I’ve already done this whole thing. And let me tell you, the last time I was in Arches, it didn’t turn out so well.”

I adjusted my pack and continued hiking, ignoring the comments rolling in from the peanut gallery.

“You? I’m on vacation with the man who used to fuck my woman,” IKE muttered. “I hardly think you have it bad.”

I stopped and spun around, glaring at the men who were making my life miserable. “Hey, you got the girl. Is it too much to ask that for a week you wear something other than a suit? Maybe a pair of boots and tactical gear?”

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