Page 61 of Burn Bag

“Well, that’s because she’s crazy!”

He stalked forward and grabbed me by the shoulders, giving me a good shake. “You’ve got to stop this shit! You married a woman you met the moment she walked down the aisle. You had me file backdated paperwork to make the marriage legal! Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

“Yes! I’m buying a new fucking litter box.” Then I thought about it. “Preferably two.”

“This is Fox talk. Do you realize that? You’re making about as much sense as he does. Have you gotten into his Funyuns stash?”

“Look, she’s injured. She has burns on her arm, and she can’t take care of the litter box. The dust might get up under the gauze and then it could get infected…it’s just not a good idea.”

“So, you take it over.”

“I did!” I snapped. “Do you have any idea how fucking disgusting that shit is? I need a fucking hazmat suit to clean that out. But I’m not donning one every single day, multiple times a day just to clean out shit. It’s not happening!”

“It’s only until she gets better.”

“Yeah? And what happens when she gets herself injured again? What if she passes out and hits her head? What if I’m out of town and can’t help her?”

He rolled his eyes. “You know, you’re awfully worked up over these cats. Why don’t you just get rid of them? You don’t even like cats.”

“But she does. And when I talked about declawing them, she was in fucking tears. And then, in my anger, I said I was going to kill one. I’m pretty sure she was about to sacrifice herself in order to save the damn kitten’s life.”

“A slight overreaction,” he muttered.

“I know, right?”

“No, I meant you. Not her.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to have your balls clawed apart by one of the demons.”

“It’s just a fucking cat,” he snapped. “Get your head out of your ass.”

“Take one home and you’ll see what I’m talking about.”

“Oh, no,” he chuckled. “I’m not taking one of those cats off your hands. I don’t do animals in the house.”

“You’d do it for Laura.”

“I would, which is exactly why I won’t do it. Because then she’d have me cleaning out the litter box just like you are.”

“And I’m not doing that anymore, which is why I’m here.” I pointed at the shelves. “To make my life easier, and you’re going to help me.”

There was absolutely nothing about this that he wanted to do, but he pulled out his phone and got to work. “You know, you could dothis just as easily. I’m not sure why you called me to read Reddit reviews.”

“Because you’re faster at weeding out the necessary information.”

“If you tell Rae you put me on this, I will kill you. The last thing I need is some bullshit commentary about how I’m finally doing a task more up my alley.”

“I swear to God, I won’t say a word.”

“Good. Alright, this one,” he pointed to the one on the far right. “Best reviews, easy set up, and after the initial cost, it doesn’t appear to be too expensive.”

I was about to grab it when I saw the cost. “Eight hundred dollars? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Hey, you wanted the research. You didn’t tell me to take cost into consideration.”

“It’s a given.”

“Fine, go with this one. It breaks down all the time and users complain about terrible customer service. But at least you’ll save a few hundred dollars.”

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